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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder who the hell you can rely on in this world?

41 replies

toptramp · 07/06/2011 17:46

I have spent the day with my terminally ill mum (cancer) and whilst we have shared some lovely moments I am very distressed about her physical decline. It really is horrendous for her and my dad. I have started the grieving process.
I have a good friend who lost her dad some years ago. To be fair she has been quite supportive recently listening to my problems. Today I met up with her in the library. She started telling me how I should take out some library books to entertain my dd in the cafe.. When I told her I couldn't be bothered she started applying pressure. To which I just snapped and said I wouldn't bother going to the cafe as I can't be bothered faffing around with library books, fines and friends who are trying to put pressure on at this time.
I took dd to the loo and came back and said friend was clearly in a mood. She said she didn't expect to be treated like shit or spoken to like shit and that she knows what grief is. I told her that she should then know that my behaviour isn't personal but I have a short fuse as I am so fucking angry that mum is suffering and will then die.
I just feel that she feels that I shouldn't be grumbling as she has alos had a loss in the past.
She made me feel like I can't lean on her any more as she said that she has done so much for me and has been there for me. She just sounds a bit resentful. Who can you fucking rely on. I'm single to so have no supportive dp.

OP posts:
Original poster
toptramp · 08/06/2011 08:44

Her loss was sudden so there was no run up. It's just as bad as it's a shock but watching a loved one suffer is just the worst thing tomorrow. After sleeping on it I feel that I have lost a bit of respect for my friend unfortunately and will turn to other friends instead. If she has suffered such a loss she should be MORE understanding not less understanding.I'll be careful not to take it out on others.

OP posts:
Original poster
toptramp · 08/06/2011 08:44

just the worst thing ever I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
toptramp · 08/06/2011 08:47

I still love her and I have no doubt that this is bringing up bad memories for her but sometimes I feel that this friend is a bit like well I went through it and had to deal with it and so should you. True but not what I want to hear right now.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 08/06/2011 08:47

I'm sorry you're going through such an awful time OP but I'm with your friend here - imo there is never an excuse to be rude like this to your friends, regardless what you are going through. I have a few friends who have done this and I have said the same as your friend said to you - I am not a punchbag. Like your friend I have been there for people, only to be treated like this - I don't want it! Neither does your friend. I was going to say that your family has probably allowed you to do this when you are under pressure, but my twin sister does it and she had the same upbringing as me. I really really don't like it - it shows a total lack of respect and is a deal breaker imo, I will immediately make it clear that it isn't acceptable. She's a good friend to hold boundaries with you.

Don't push your friend away OP. I am single too and have been thrugh some extremely tough times - you just have to learn how to bear it and not alienate your friends, who you really need during the bad times xx

springydaffs · 08/06/2011 08:59

Lucky you that you have other friends to turn to! Yet you say you won#t take it out on other friends but will freeze this friend out for standing up to you? That's not fair OP - she has feelings too and is right that you have to bear your grief as many of us have had to. It's being adult and you have to learn that sooner or later - the later you learn it, the harder your life. Don't use your friend to dump all your grief and anger on, she has been a good friend to you.

Fimbo · 08/06/2011 09:53

If she has suffered such a loss she should be MORE understanding not less understanding.

God op I really really really want to wring your neck.

Original poster
toptramp · 08/06/2011 09:57

Go ahead and wring it but I know for sure that if any of my friends are bereaved in the future I will be more understanding, remember what it's like and cut them some slack. I certainly won't be pressurising them to do things they don't feel like doing like taking out library books or anything else for that matter and if they do take it out on me I shall understand. We are good now but I am dissappointed. I hope that you have never been through such losses Fimbo and if you have I do sympathise.
How was I treating my friend like shit? I told her I didn't feel like a coffee if she was going to nag me and yes I sounded huffy but I'm not going to pretend to be not annoyed when I really am. If there is one thing that my mum's illness has taught me it is to be honest about feelings and I was pissed off, however irrational my reason was. I showed her that and she dealt with my displeasure in her own way. As did I.

OP posts:
Original poster
toptramp · 08/06/2011 09:58

Anyway I think AIBU is not for me. Just a big opportunity to be flamed imo.

OP posts:
Original poster
toptramp · 08/06/2011 09:59

What's more I won't be telling them that I know grief and therefore they need to get over it etc.

OP posts:
UnicornRainbowLove · 08/06/2011 10:04

I'm sorry to hear about your mum OP.

I don't think you've been flamed here, I think people have just tried to gently tell you that YABU. (because you are)

Grief is horrible, awful and frightening whether that is watching a parent die slowly or losing them suddenly. Hmm

Fimbo · 08/06/2011 10:08

I have had such losses Toptramp and some. But by god I have never ever treated a friend the way you have. As I said I was treated by a 'friend' they way you are treating yours - me, me, me. In the end I gave up as she was a bloody taker. I would help anyone out but need just an ounce in return. She has since moved on and managed to weedle other people into helping her.

teraspawn · 08/06/2011 10:14

It's understandable that you'd be snappy and sensitive at this difficult time. I'm sure your friend understands that - but she doesn't have to put up with it. She was within her rights to be annoyed, and you should apologise - but don't feel bad. Nobody acts their best when they're under pressure.

My thoughts are with you.

teraspawn · 08/06/2011 10:20

Oh I'm sorry - I see you have already apologised. In that case, carry on as you were x

springydaffs · 08/06/2011 11:04

OP I think you are minimising what you did and how you did it ie sayin it wasn't so bad I was just a bit annoyed. From what you said in your OP you bit her head off and was extremely rude. Ok, we all do things like this in moments of pressure but when things have calmed down we apologise and take full responsibility - not blame the other person for 'making us do it'.

I don't think you've been flamed OP, people have been kind to you because you are going through such a terrible time. Don#t bit the hand that feeds you, on here or with your friend.

thumbwitch · 08/06/2011 11:07

Springydaffs- the OP has already apologised to her friend. And I don't feel that you are being all that kind to her, tbh. I'm not saying that she was right - just she doesn't need more ticking off, when she has already apologised and IS in the terrible process of losing her mum.

springydaffs · 08/06/2011 11:12

ime (lots of) if you don't hold bondaries with someone who is really suffering they go off the rails big time. Holding boundaries is the safest thing your friend can do for you OP - being tough to be kind. She is being a true friend.

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