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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited

42 replies

amIbeingdaft · 06/06/2011 19:55

I have worked at my current place for nearly 10 years, and I get on well with most people there.
I have a colleague who is getting married. We're not best friends or anything, but I thought we were friends. We used to be a lot closer than we are now, but he got promoted, I went on maternity leave, and our paths don't cross as much. However when we do see each other, we get on well. A couple of months ago, I asked how the wedding plans were going and we chatted about it for a while. During this conversation, he said that he was inviting the whole department to the evening do. I said I'd look forward to it.
So now, the invitations have gone out and I haven't received one. I feel really hurt. I wouldn't mind if he had only invited close friends, but he's invited people who I thought were less close to him than I am.

So two questions:
1)AIBU to think that not inviting me after saying he would is rude?
2)Should I say anything to him?

I'm going crazy second guessing what I may have done to upset him, but I feel that questioning it is really not the done thing. Any ideas from you sensible MN people?

OP posts:

Original poster

amIbeingdaft · 06/06/2011 20:57

LostMyIdentity, I'm not suggesting I have the 'right'. I don't really think this is a question of rights, is it? I'm upset over a situation with a friend and I'm asking advice. Knobjockey? Helpful. Thanks for your contribution.

OP posts:

Original poster

amIbeingdaft · 06/06/2011 21:00

And thanks to those giving sensible advice. I know I need to take the moral highground. I've thought about not sending a card- but the sad thing is I do wish him well. To pretend I don't would be spiteful, and that's not me. I think I'll just send a card and a small gift, and not mention it to him again. It's painful, though.

OP posts:

Finallyspring · 06/06/2011 21:03

The OP says she knows it's not the done thing to ask why. It's other people who have suggested asking. I am always mystified why people on MN suggest this type of action. You never get the truth and you make yourself look mental. Quiet dignity is the way to go, whilst seething and churning inside.

I really feel for you. This happened to me, someone I thought I knew really well didn't invite me to a wedding. She carried on being friendly and we still are friendly. It remains a mystery to this day, but I'm glad I didn't confront her. It's just one of those crap things that happen in life and I think it happens to everyone at some point.

Strength of character is accepting stuff like this without getting all bitter and twisted and definitely not believing it is any kind of indication of your worthiness. < wise old bird face>

TheRhubarb · 06/06/2011 21:05

I can fully understand that. When a close friend of ours got married and didn't invite the kids, even though he is godfather to our ds, that hurt. Having to tell my kids they were invited was really hard and my dd was quite upset. However when we went we realised that they had asked others not to bring their kids too, the only ones there were babies and tots who were too young to be left with sitters, so that made me feel a bit better.

Take the high ground. Don't buy a gift but do give him a card and wish him well. Then arrange a day of pampering on that day followed by a night out with friends.

swash · 06/06/2011 21:19

This happened to me but it actually was a mistake and the groom was gutted that I didn't go. He'd emailed invites - I got a second email that mentioned a change to arrangements but not an actual invite. I emailed wishing him well and he got in touch straight away. I had other arrangements in place so didn't go.

I still don't know how you'd broach it with him though

Original poster

amIbeingdaft · 06/06/2011 21:46

Thanks for the advice ladies, you've stopped me making a twat of myself.

Finallyspring, you are indeed a wise old bird . I don't want strength of character, I want to go to the party!

I'm not going to broach it with him, I know it's not a mistake and I'd only embarrass myself. I think sometimes you just find out who your friends are. I'll pop a card on his desk the day before the wedding with a genuine message of good luck.

Now the next question...I'm having a 'do' myself in a couple of months, which ordinarily I'd have invited him to. I should still invite him, shouldn't I?

OP posts:

Finallyspring · 06/06/2011 22:17

Oh no you do definitely not invite him to your party. Being dignified about his wedding is one thing but the fact is he isn't a good friend. You don't want somone who doesn't care about hurting your feelings at your party. Do you ?

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 06/06/2011 23:09

I invited some colleagues (ones I would consider friends) to my wedding, and not some others. Some were clearly upset/annoyed about this, but one, who I wasn't that much a fan of, went up massively in my estimation when she gave us the loveliest, most thoughtful present. I felt so bad then, but simply couldn't invite them all.

KittySpencer · 06/06/2011 23:20

I think you have to rise above the lack of wedding invite. But I also agree you shouldn't feel you have to invite him to your do.

Colleagues and weddings is a tricky area though. I'm good friends with a colleague who is very sociable and friendly. Colleague invited our whole team, plus another 5 people from elsewhere in our dept, to their wedding reception - about 12 people in total. 3 turned up, including me. Same colleague had a 'special' birthday a few months ago - again invited similar numbers. 2 of us came. I felt really bad - but then I still feel quite honoured when I get invited to someone's party or wedding. Yes, I know I'm odd!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 06/06/2011 23:27

I think that's a bit rubbish of him, and I can understand why you would be upset and a bit hurt- I would be. Agree with others about taking the moral high ground, a card should suffice. Can't decide whether I would invite him to your do or not (helpful, huh?!) I'd either invite everyone from the department or noone, usually. Maybe his fiancee is threatened by you- must mean you are very attractive and intelligent, look at it that way

nijinsky · 06/06/2011 23:29

I get the feeling that I (along with DP) get invited to weddings (there have been a lot recently) because I am part of a couple and therefore "fit in". I don't know if either DP or I would get invited on our own if we were single. Sad but true. I think its horriby unfair on you OP and a tad rude.

MadamDeathstare · 06/06/2011 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jasper · 06/06/2011 23:58

of course you should still invite him

OpusProSerenus · 07/06/2011 00:12

Just wanted to sympathise with you as exactly the same thging happened to me a while ago. Two colleagues married each other and invited the whole department but not me despite the bride having told me very excitedly only a few weeks before how she was planning to invite us all.

I was very hurt as, although we weren't best friends it seemed that others who were even less close were invited.

I didn't ask why as I didn't want to cause embarrassment for myself, sent a nice card with a hand-written message and from then on have just been a little cooler than I was previously (firstly because there must have been a decision not to invite me for a reason I still do not know and secondly because they hurt my feelings)

I wouldn't ask, would send a card but no gift and wouldn't invite them to anything else unless you have some doormat tendencies.

Sorry you have this situation. I know just how you feel.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2011 00:26

Invite him if you want.

But otherwise, I'd just hand him a card and wish him luck.

Maybe he's morphed into a real knob.

And at any rate, now you don't have to stump up for a gift. :o

LolaRennt · 07/06/2011 00:59

Most likely scenerio I would imagine is there is a numbers issue, and that the other colleagues who were invited over you were more a "political" choice than a personal one. He had to invite them. And tbh if that's how he decides who attends one of the most important days of his life, well, he is a knob. Isn't he?

whatever17 · 07/06/2011 04:42

You have swerved about £250 in expenses - go away for the w/e!

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