Bullying At The School Gate?

[juicyfruitqueen]

A parent at the school has told me that she is being bullied (have posted this issue in WWYD) by another parent at the school gate.

She said that she was being ignored/not included in chat/her children were being ignored. She asked if we could talk again about this another time.

I don't know a huge number of people there as I am always rushing to/from work. I did, since she spoke to me, try to observe more carefully (instead of running through 'what i have to do' mental lists).

I saw that her children were chatting with their classmates, and that the said mum was very distant (so much so that if one were to talk to her, then you wouldn't easily see one's own child coming out the gate, iykwim).

The pressure is on now as she has sent me a text asking what day/time would suit to talk (we have a parent contact mobile list at our school).

I don't want to be involved, and am a little freaked out by her persuing this with me. I didn't see any of what she complained to me about.

If I am honest, then I feel that stuff like this only exists on telly!

Am I unreasonable to not believe in the issue of parents bullying at the school gate at all?

Why noy just go talk to her and tell her what you have told us here?

If she is a loon and doesn't like what she hears you will not hear from her again, so problem solved.

If, on the other hand, she is a basically nice person who is perhaps having some problems connecting socially you could really help her and you would make a friend.

I don't usually post, but this rang a bell with me. Would you find it possible just to explain light heartedly that you are not up for getting into play ground wars but you would like to meet up for a coffee and a chat. Then you get chance to weigh her up. I feel a bit sorry for her, because of my story:-

My DCs had been a new school for a few months when all the mums at the school gate started to shun me. As a working mum I never lingered around, always being in a rush, but it did strike me as odd. I finally was driven to asking one of the kinder looking mums what the matter was and it turned out that a mum I did not know had told them all that I had a conviction for something unpleasant. This was untrue. Fortunately when I revealed the nature of my job they all realised that I could not have this type of conviction. I never got to the bottom of why she said those things about me.

It was quite a surreal situation.

Blimey some harsh opinions on here. She's having a hard time and has reached out as you obviously seemed nicer than the rest.

No need for anyone to call her a loon/odd/mad. FFS. She's lonely.

I hope none of you that have been so quick to throw stones ever find yourself in such a position.

She's probably just not very good socially. I'd just try and reassure her that I didn't think people were deliberately excluding her but were just wrapped up in their own priorities or those parents who they see as a good friend.

I had a similar conversation with a mum of DD's classmate recently. She didn't talk about bullying but said she thought the other mums didn't like her as they ignored or excluded her. She saw herself as different as she is a bit younger than most of the other mums. Again, I really think it's in her head and is to do with her own self-esteem.

Discourage this line of approach from the mum keen to talk.
Tell her it's none of your business and that you can't help.

Yikes - these people always go for me!

When DS1 started lower school I got matey with a woman most people thought was a total grumpster and she turned out to be really nice ...

That rung bells with me. When DD1 started to become best friends with a little girl in her class, I thought (secretly) "Oh no" because her mum had seemed grumpy and unfriendly on the few occasions I had met her.

Now I know her better, though she probably has a rather less jolly and laid back view of life than I do she is actually very nice and we get on.

Please don't ignore this woman. I was bullied, along with my dd, by another parent at the school gate and on the school premises and outside of school at school-connected social events years ago. I couldn't talk to anyone there about it for fear of seeming "like a loon" as many of you are describing
I did talk about it on m/net though and luckily got a very supportive and caring response. My way of resolving the issue was to place my child in a different school as I decided life was too short.

:( for Cammelia. Hope you're doing OK now?

Thank you Pinot, it was 10 years ago

Hi again. Haven't had much free time to reply, sorry, but appreciate the input. Here's the update:

I would never participate in bullying behaviour, so I hope my approach to this situation doesn't come across as being collusive in any way with possible bullying.

I decided that I would stay at a distance, not least because I just don't have any free time, at all, between 8.30am and 6pm. I told the woman involved that I couldn't be involved... She had a one sided screaming row with me, lots of children about (and mums, who all kept out of it). I was so embarrassed (I had planned to end our chat with an invite over to ours for coffee at the weekend).

This happened today. I feel like not going to the school tomorrow (either feigning illness for mine, or something), just to her. She was very hurtful and accused me of being a bitch, piling on with the pack, etc.

There is one mum I am friendly with, due to us living on the same road, same brownies group, etc., but thats it for me in terms of knowing others at school.

Any advise?

And I am so sad to hear of Cammelia's story. Hope you've had a better life since changing schools.

Oh dear. Well you did your best.
I think she just sounds a little highly strung, and its best you keep your distance. I think its totally unacceptable to scream at someone - esp another adult in front of parents/teachers/children.
Good on you for trying, I feel sorry for her kids myself.

I was going to come on here to say cut her some slack, meet up with her once and tell her what yu have said here - that your take of the situation is that by distancing herself so much it would be difficult for people to include her ande to encourage her to put herself out there a bit moore if she wantz to make friends. But then to say that given that you are hardly ever there you are not the person to help her.

Her reaction to you was totally and uttery unreasonable though but if she only contacted you because she was desperately lonely then maybe she felt totally slapped inthe face by your response. Of course the other interpretation is that this is the reason the other mums ignore her!

Depending on how you feel you could either leave it (and I wouldn't blame you) or send her a brief text saying that you are horrified by her reaction today, the reason you didn't want to get involved is because you are very busy with work and don't have time to get involved in playground politics not because you don't care. And see what her reaction is. The only reason I would do this is because I would hate to think of someone feeling lonely and sad and the effect this could have on her dcs.

Pleases don't feel bad about going to the school now though. If she does this again I would calmly and firmly tell her that HER behaviour on this is bullying and you are respecfully asking her to leave you alone

To answer your original question, yes I do think genuine bullying can go on among parents, I've seen some pretty unpleasant stuff at the school gate myself - parents publicly accusing other parents of bad parenting because if issues between the kids rather than asking the school to help sort out the kids issues, parents deliberately blanking other parents because of school politics etc. Whether that's actually what's happening in this case is hard to tell though. I would get involved if it were someone who was already a good friend of mine. Otherwise I would be pretty wary because no matter how diplomatic you try to be, if there really is an issue here, others may then force you to choose sides.

Ooh, sorry just posted that without reading the whole thread. I think the fact taht she lost the plot with you because you didn't want to get involved tells you something. Sorry you had to put up with that.

I hate to say this (and may get slated for it) but, in my experience, sometimes the parents who shout the loudest about getting bullied or their kids getting bullied are the ones who have the least insight into their own behaviour.

Ah - bitches at the school gates. How I remember it!

Walking home with DS, some stupid fishwife rough as a bag of arseholes cow walking behind me saying "oh look, she's realised she has fucking legs" (in reference to the fact I usually went in car) "look she even makes the kid carry his own fucking bag" - yes this is true, DS was 7 - I felt he be capable of carrying his own bag.

I heard she got the shit kicked out of her not long after - Karma can be a bitch.

I agree. I personally recently have felt bullied. I work so don't do the school gate thing but had a call from a father recently shouting down the phone at me about my 4 year old dds being a "bully" citing that mine had pushed his child and asking me what I was doing about it as the school weren't dealing with it. I had heard nothing prior to this and told him I would speak to the school directly he then said I was a liar and the school had spoken to me I ended up hanging up to which he then called back twice - I ignored the calls then his wife called also being abusive. I spoke with the school who were shocked they had called me and told me this child had accused a number of other children too. They told me to hold my head high and ignore them as my dds had done nothing wrong and they saw her interaction with others and she was not being a bully or doing anything other than what other kids that age do. However since then I have attended two parties where these parents have been but also experienced two other parents who had been friendly before ignoring me despite my attempts to engage in friendly conversation. I have seen at this party said child running up and hugging my child and even introducing her as my best friend to these children's parents which i could tell they were not happy about! I secretly was!and behaving and interacting well. I am a professional and I have have found this uncomfortable and embarrassing as the kids don't have a problem it's clearly the parents but I now feel I must have been discussed at the school gates and it concerns me. I am just carrying on as normal but if this woman has experienced something similar and feels she is being excluded or her kids that may be why she tried to talk to you. Not that she should involve you or scream at you that's disgraceful but she may feel desperate. I would act normal and friendly when you see her next so she knows you haven't taken sides as she's accused you of then you can keep out of the conflict. It is hard though I find it tough and now feel paranoid about what's been said about me or my dds and found the behaviour of these parents unbelievable.

we have a parent contact mobile list at our school

Really??