about DH and ex wife?

[stayoutofthewater]

DH and I have been together for almost 10 years. I am due to have our first baby any day now but he's been away on a course with work for 6 weeks.

During weekends he's been able to get a lift with a friend who lives nearby, so he can see his DC from his first marriage. I am sad that he is missing out on the last stages of my pregnancy, but we wouldn't have been able to afford the travel home at weekends anyway and it's great that he can spend some time with his DC. (the DC are mid-late teens)

DH's ex wife has not long split from her boyfriend. Prior to the split she wouldn't have anything to do with DH and made things awkward for him often. Now she is single she has been very accomodating with DH, cooking him dinner at weekends when he sees the DC, all of them sitting in watching films together, going out for meals all together. All of which is obviously great for the DC, and I am happy about that, but in my pregnant and insecure state it worries me.

I mentioned to DH that I was a bit concerned about him spending so much time with his ex. Not least as when we met they'd been split for several years and he told me he was still in love her, she was the love of his life, he still wanted to get back with her etc. (at first ours was a casual relationship) I admit to having always felt second best to her and like DH was with me as he couldn't have her. Also, I feel that if she gets a new partner/boyfriend, DH will have to take a back seat again when seeing his DC, which is a bit unfair to them.

Anyway, DH said there was nothing in it and I was worrying for nothing. Then yesterday he text me to let me know what him and the DC had been doing and later when I rang him I said it sounded like fun, maybe my DC would like it, was it expensive? It was, but eventually he admitted his ex had paid for it and now he was treating them all to dinner out. So, he'd spent the whole day with her, despite me telling him about my (probably unreasonable) fears and that at the moment I'd prefer if he didn't spend time with her.

DH has done a few things, fairly minor I suppose, no actual cheating, that have caused me to question my trust for him, despite having trusted him completely our entire relationship. I feel like he is doing nothing to reassure me now when I need it and he keeps getting angry with me if I say I can't trust him.

AIBU to not want DH to spend quite so much time with his ex wife? I admit I am jealous, I can't do anything fun at the moment and am likely to have a baby attached to my breasts for the next year or so, which does not really go hand in hand with keeping our marriage alive, does it?!

Thanks again.

I am feeling a little less 'desperate' and just completely exhausted now. He hasn't been in touch, which doesn't really suprise me.

My friend/neighbour has agreed to be my birth partner if I need her to be, she was really keen, having only has CS herself, no natural births. I feel comfortable with her being there, she's just the right mix of caring without being too 'fussy', so if it comes to it I will have someone to be with me if I need them and to drive me to the hospital etc.

I really hope it doesn't come to that, I don't want to share the birth of our child with anyone else except DH, but although DH is really great in lots of ways, there some things that need to change and they never will unless I change the way I behave too. I am quite strong willed/feisty, but I feel like I have been a pushover for too long.

I think he genuinely thinks he has done nothing wrong and that IABU. I think I thought maybe I was BU too until I posted this. He does know he wouldn't like it if things were reversed and in the past it has been him who is jealous/a little insecure at times, but I think he has a new found confidence almost in knowing that I am heavily pregnant and stuck at home not being able to do much.

I think it's a great idea (as someone suggested) to just turn off your phone. Otherwise you'll be waiting for him to contact you , and getting annoyed and stresses when he doesn't. Turn it off, then that's you accepting that you won't be in contact with him for a few days, and then focus on yourself for this last while before your baby is born. Get your hair washed in the hairdressers, read a book in your garden, watch Real Housewives of Orange County or whatever relaxes you.

You will never change what he thinks about a situation but you can change how you act in situations. Stand back and look at how you react and whether that's just repeating patterns of behaviour that have not worked for you before.

My DH used to be a bit like yours and would never accept responsibility in a fight. He would always have a way of making me feel like it way my fault. If I hadn't done X then he wouldn't have done Y etc. I would always be the one to hold out the olive branch first. I went to counselling (not marriage related, we were at the end of the IVF road and I was having trouble dealing with it) and it changed everything. I realised we were in a rut with our arguments and each of us had our prescribed role in a fight. When I stood back and saw how I reacted to him, it changed the way I argued. And when I changed, he changed. He'll say now that it was the hardest time for him in our marriage because he couldn't predict how I would behave for the first time ever. It's still far from perfect, he's a sulker and I find that very hard to bear which he knows and uses as a tool. But it's much much better. I feel heard now and I didn't before.

My point in telling you this is that you will never change your husband but if you change yourself, truly change not just try to change so HE will change IYSWIM, then he will have to change also because by you changing, the whole energy between you changes. Does that make sense?

I wish you all the best. These are stressful days while you wait for your baby. Don't let it be any more stressful than it needs to be. He's not being good to you so you need to be good to yourself.

Thankyou.

I am feeling quite wobbly this evening. I just wish he'd grow up and contact me instead of behving like a child. At least, I am hoping it's childish behaviour and not simply that he doesn't care.

I hate everything left all up in the air and I just want to get it sorted out, whatever that means, but that's obviously not going to happen as things stand. What I really wish is that he actually loved me and cared for me enough to just ring me and as hard as it is to accept, I think I am just going to have to accept that he doesn't.

I don't really know what I am going to do.

So sorry that you are feeling like this. Wish I could say something to help. Maybe when you do talk to him and lay it all out on the line for him, he will come to realise just how lucky he is to have met you and how you are so much better for him than his ex and he will see sense.

If it doesn't pan out that way, then it is better for you to know and to not live your life in the shadow of his ex, but I appreciate that this isn't much comfort to you. x

It's not that he does't love you, it's that he 'loves' himself more if he can't overcome a sulk, particularly at this time!! It is unforgiveable if he doesn't imo. I'm so sorry you're faced with this but it could well be an indication of his real character if he puts you through this now. What I mean by that is that if he doesn't come up with the goods, it is more to do with him than with you iyswim. Please try not to take this personally, don't let it go in and scorch your heart. His behaviour is not a reflection on you but on him. I do wonder if he's ever loved anybody if he can't be adult at a time like this. He's not doing you a favour to be with you btw, just to get that straight xx

He is pushing it imho. I would hate this too and was very insecure when pg so would have been gutted. I told my dh how i felt and he was mortified and went out of his way to reassure me,im concerned that your dh hasnt. I am friends with my ex dh and we converse about out dcs we also have boundaries that respect our respective partners eg,i get dressed if i know he is coming to get dd on Sunday am,that type of thing. I feel for you i really do,stay on here and you will get loads of support and brilliant advice.

Kick him into touch.
I would be very unhappy too.
If you've expressed your concerns, he should acknowledge them and stop making you feel second best.
You sound very patient indeed!

Oh crap OP, this truly isn't on at any time, but especially now, whilst you're about to give birth. Big hug to you ((((((((()))))))))
He is a selfish fucker and needs to grow up.

Hi OP a bit late to this thread. But want to also send a big hug.
Lots of sensible advice on here. Don't ring him he should be driving/getting a lift to see you . He is being unreasonable. But you will be ok. Stay strong, good idea the manicure/spray tan etc. Also ask your friend for emotional support. Lots of men dont cope well with stressful situations in my opionion, we are the stronger sex. Could it be he is nervous about the labour, what type of labours did his ex have. Is he running away from being there or around newborns. It is not you. He has the problems.
I would struggle not to screech, very hard, but try to stay very calm and detached. He is then more likely to contact you. hug hug to you.

just to add, he may love you lots but just run away from responsibility or stress.

I also wanted to add that it's not that he doesn't love you IMO, it's that this is what he's used to getting away with in your relationship. He's higher in the pecking order (and you've let him be) and he's just carrying out his role as top dog ie treating you this way. He's too sure of you and is not afraid of the consequences of behaving this way. That's what needs to change.

He does love you, of course he does, he's just a gobshite.

Turn off your phone, make yourself a nice cup of cocoa and promise yourself a night of not thinking about him. If you really can't stand it, ring him tomorrow when you will be feeling better. You'll be too tired and emotional now.

Hugs to you.