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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want just one day not having to look after a child?

24 replies

choceyes · 03/06/2011 15:41

I asked my DH if he could look after DD (9.5 months today). DS, 2.5yrs is at nursery all day. Dh is a teacher, so is on holiday all week.

Yesterday he agreed to look after DD all day and bring her to me when she needed feeding, so would hang around the house/in the local area....it's only one day FFS.

Today he keeps saying that he needs to go to B&Q, needs to do numerous chores around the house, wants to meet up with his brother for coffee, etc etc. OK I know that these chores (things that can't be done with toddler around..DIY things) have to be done and as we don't have family nearby, unless DS goes to nursery, there is no one else to look after the kids, so I get what he is saying....BUT is it really that unreasonable to suggest that giving me a break from the kids is more important than these jobs?

DD needs a lot of attention and holding, carrying etc and it is exhausting being with her. I feel very tired looking after the two of them and feel a bit down in the dumps these days, so a day off would really help.

Besides I went down to see my parents for 2 weeks recently, so DH got a lot of time to do things, and do his own stuff, while I cared for the DCs almost as much as I would if I was at home as my parents are pretty eldery and can't look after them for that long.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 03/06/2011 15:43

YANBU, he's being selfish and needs a kick.

TobyLerone · 03/06/2011 15:45

How about he has the baby and you go to B&Q/do the chores he was going to do? He could take the baby with him to meet his brother.

walesblackbird · 03/06/2011 15:46

Does it have to be a whole day? I know full time childcare is exhausting - I have three and mine are a little older now - but sometime I find that just having a hour or so away from them gives me the strength to get back in there and carry on. Could you not have compromised? He could have taken her to B&Q and for coffee with his brother, you could have had her while he did his DIY?

I don't really think one thing is more important than the other? Could you have done the jobs around the house while he had your daughter?

I'm a sahm with elderly parents and one child with special needs - I would love to have a whole day away from mine but it just doesn't happen. My dh, on the other hand, works away for part of each week and so does get to have a life! Frustrating but that's life when you have children.

Original poster

choceyes · 03/06/2011 15:47

thanks agentzigzag. he is making it look like I'm the one being selfish.

He has gone off to B&Q now. Granted he waited till DD fell asleep but, now she's awake and god knows how long he will be.

OP posts:

honeybee007 · 03/06/2011 15:47

Yanbu at all. When is your time to meet people child free for a coffee?? Are you bf?could you express milk for a proper day off so you could go somewhere out of reach?maybe even a nice pamper day at a spa?there are some really good deals about at the minute.or just go to a friends and have a good catch up.

My dp only ever has dd on his own if he wants to take her to pil while I make dinner so I know how you feel, and will soon have a new baby too, (dd is 17 months)

katvond · 03/06/2011 15:49

He's being selfish I'm very lucky with my DH he's very hands on and always as been.

Original poster

choceyes · 03/06/2011 15:50

Me to the chores??
Me look after her while he does the chores??
This is meant to be my rest day! Why don't I deserve it? He had 2 weekends in a row to do as he pleases?

He can't take DD to B&Q cos he doesn't drive (although we have a car and I've jointly contributed int he purchase of it and paid for his driving lessons so that we can use a car sometimes, he's decided it's not environmentally friendly afterall), and he needs to carry lots of stuff back, so needs to go with his bike trailer.

OP posts:

smileANDwave2000 · 03/06/2011 15:59

YANBU but as i have to look after two disabled people and ive two young teens as well so i cant empathise as much as id like , but its your DH who should be emphatic towards you not me IYSWIM he should take his turns . if hes going to be childish write up a rota on the fridgea, sounds like (im probably wrong) but maybe as a family you could do more together rather than my turn for this his turn for that...always remember men are all kids lol so if they can get out of something they will they dont apear to have the same sense of duty as we women do

smileANDwave2000 · 03/06/2011 16:03

oops forgot to say its taken me 17 years but ive just got dh well trained its hard work being its hard work being a mum of four opps sorry dh i mean three

TheCrackFox · 03/06/2011 16:09

Take the day off tomorrow.

Go out at 9am and turn the phone off.

jubilee10 · 03/06/2011 16:20

Why don't you look into a nursery or a childminder for a few hours/day a week. If she went when your ds was at nursery it would give you some time to yourself. Could she go to nursery with ds? Why not start organising it and if dh is not happy he will have ro look after her himself.

clam · 03/06/2011 16:28

If you gave him advance warning that this was the plan for today - he was in sole charge of DD apart from feeding - then it was up to him to organise his week around that. Which means doing all non-child-friendly activities earlier on, and reserving the ones he could do with a baby in tow for today.
That he didn't do that is his problem, not yours.
I would have said tough luck - to B&Q and the chores, assuming the house wont fall down if they're not done today.
If you don't force persuade him to change, you'll live with this issue for years to come.

Original poster

choceyes · 03/06/2011 21:23

jubilee10 - I'm going back to work in 6 weeks time and DH will have to be looking after both of them for one day a week and DD for 2 days a week. most of Aug we are on hols and DD starts nursery in Sept,...it's all booked. I can't get her in (nor do I want to) nursery before that.

He is generally very good at doind housework etc, and very helpful with the kids, so I don't have much to complain about really. Only thing is that all his hobbies that he takes time out for involves him being out of the house, but if I say that my hobby is to read a book on the sofa or go on the computor, then it becomes impossible as he really resents watching me do "nothing" while I am at home. So I have to go out...luckily we live near the city centre with lots of cafes.

OP posts:

Knackeredmother · 03/06/2011 21:38

YANBU and I can't believe anyone is offering suggestions for you to 'compromise'.
He's had his time off, time for yours now.
Some men seem genuinely scared of looking after their own kids.

MenaZovut · 03/06/2011 21:44

I have just walked in and kissed my husband for helping with the kids. He looked pleased then carried on typing.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/06/2011 21:46

Why are men like this????

When's your birthday? When he asks you what you want you just say "A whole day to myself, to go out/do nothing/do as I please. I DO NOT WANT A PRESENT, YOU COULD SPEND A THOUSAND POUND ON A PRESENT AND IT WOULDN'T MEAN AS MUCH TO ME AS A DAY TO MYSELF."

ChinnyReckon · 03/06/2011 21:48

Dont ask him to do you a favour, tell him how low you are feeling and that you need time on your own. Tell him that you feel that he's had 2 weekends on his own to do as he pleased and you only want one day to recharge your batteries before you can carry on.

Poor you, it's not really on to act like you've made an unreasonable request. You're a mother, not a martyr; you deserve time to yourself.

ChinnyReckon · 03/06/2011 21:51

Also, bollocks to you not being allowed to have a rest in your own home! Tell him how low you're feeling, need to recharge, etc. Then buy yourself lots of goodies to eat and drink, get a book, the radio, laptop, whatever and declare your bedroom out of bounds for anything less than serious injury. Then lie on your bed watching a boxset/reading/MNing and troughing all day.

shirleyshortcut · 03/06/2011 22:15

why is a 2 year old at nursery all day while you are both at home

parenting isnt a part time occupation unfortunately

Rosebud05 · 03/06/2011 22:22

OP's partner is a teacher - he's on holiday this week but at work most of the time.

OP is going back to work fairly soon and ds is in nursery as he was when OP was working before maternity leave, I presume.

freddy05 · 03/06/2011 22:29

shirleyshortcut - thats a joke yes?

OP is obviously on maternity leave her husbands a teacher so is off for half term not all the time so obviously her other child is in childcare some of the time. maternity leave is for looking after the new baby and recovering from the birth and no it isn't part time but one day off in 9 months isn't reasonable holidays either.

OP I can't think I've had more than 2 hours to myself in the last nine months since my DD2 was born because men think they can't do it. I think as mams, and certainly if you are breastfeeding, we give the impression that men can't do the job properly. If your DH is anything like mine once the child is no longer breastfeeding he will get better at giving you time to yourself because there's nothing he can't do anymore if that makes sense.

If your bathroom door has a lock feed the baby and then go for a bath with a book and a brew and lock the door behind you, great way to force the issue.

Original poster

choceyes · 03/06/2011 22:33

shirleyshortcut - Because it is prepaid for (exactly like what rosebud said), and DS really enjoys going to nursery (he cant run inside quick enough) for those 2 days a week and we have absolutely NO family or friends to even look after him for a couple of hours, this is our only childcare option...ever. And even the most hands on parents need some time to recharge and do things like clean the house, spend some quality time with DD, do errands etc etc etc. Even slaves get a rest sometimes don't they? We don't even get a rest at night cos 2.5yr old DS still wakes up several times a night!

Thanks everybody....it wasn't too bad in the end. I stood my ground and didn't let him get his own way again. I managed to have a nice relaxed day and tomorrow looking forward to spending the day with both my lovely DCs!

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/06/2011 22:49

Good for you, 99% of parents are not robots/superhuman/living saints like shirleyshortcut and DO need an afternoon off every few months or so. No child wants a miserable, one-dimensional mother/father.

My two are 5 and 7, I work school hours. The rest of the time (inc school holidays) is spent with them. DH is away a LOT with work so childcare falls to me mainly. I've just come back from 3 days in Ireland with my mum (no kids!) while lovely DH took time off work to look after the boys and have some daddy time with them. They had a ball - he got to do stuff with them on his own without me butting in telling him we usually do things a different way , and I spent some time with my mum without feeling I was some sort of drudge or robot who just does work or childcare. Came back VERY refreshed, everyone was happy - it was a nice change for EVERYONE.

Of course, the equivalent to that "time out" when you have children as young as the OPs is an afternoon here or there to do as she pleases. I can't stand people whose martyrish opinion is of the "all life stops once you have kids unfortunately" kind. Er, no, it doesn't. It changes. That is all.

clam · 04/06/2011 09:50

As teachers, we always used to continue taking the DCs to nursery in the holidays. It was a couple of days a week, like the OP, and they loved it. Often DH we'd take them in late after a leisurely get-up and family breakfast, and pick them up early to go and do something, but it provided invaluable time to do stuff like stay in bed clear out the loft, or go to Ikea or write reports or, God forbid, go out to lunch on our own.
Whoever said that parenting had to be 24 hours a say 365 days a year?
Our sanity and marriage survived those early difficult years partly due to this. Oh and because DH didn't view all childcare as "my job."

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