to say no to DH going to Isle of Man TT

[lettinggo]

DH just phoned to say someone had offered him a berth on a boat at the Isle of Man TT. He therefore would have no travel or accomdation costs, just ?150 for the event and then food and drink costs. He told me he was "just running it by me, don't shoot it down without thinking about it." He would be leaving on Sunday and back Friday or Saturday.

I want to say no but I'm not sure if I'm being selfish or not. These are my reasons:

1. He's already had a week long holiday with his friend at his parents' home in Spain.

He also had a weekend on his motorbike on a charity run.

1. It's a bank holiday weekend in Ireland this weekend. We were thinking of going to my parents' holiday home in the country but DH was scheduled to work on Monday and gets extra money when he works on a B/H. We jointly decided not to forfeit the B/H money because money is tight enough.
2. DH's brother asked us to mind his 2 children, 12 and 15, on Saturday and Sunday nights. I don't mind at all but I don't want to do it on my own.
3. Money. He's a big drinker and would easily spend another ?300-400 on food and drink for the week. We could afford this but it would mean taking it out of the family holiday budget. In the celtic tiger years, these trips were not a big deal but DH is having trouble adjusting to our straightened circumstances).
4. We at a stressful point of the adoption process. After 6 1/2 years waiting, we now have to wait until June 30th to find out if a "situation" is going to work out for us (I don't want t jinx it by saying more). While I know that there's nothing he can do to make the situation less stressful, I just don't want to be on my own for the guts of a week.
5. He would have to take 5/6 days leave from work which he may (fingers crossed) need if/when we get a baby. We are adopting internationally and it will involve 3 more trips to the country of at least 3/4 days each.
6. He brings DS to school every day so I'd have to bring DS for the week which makes me stressed out about being late for work (I'm a teacher and both my and DS's school start at the same time but my school is 15 minutes away from his. I hate leaving him too early in the schoolyard - he's 10).

It really annoys me when he does this - asks my permssion to do something as if I'm his mother. Then if I say yes, I can't be pissed off about it because I said yes, and if I say no, he'll sulk better than any teenager you know. So I never get to react, I just stress about having to make a decision which is what I'm doing now.

Reasons to say yes:

1. He's mad about motorbikes and I know this is the big event in the motorbike world. (but he's never mentioned going before - he's out playing cricket right now and someone on the team asked him to go)
2. If there was something I desperately wanted to do, he would pack my bags for me and push me out the door to go do it. (However, I never have unrealistic dreams, IYKWIM. I'd love to go back to the kibbutz where I lived for a year but would never even bring it up because this is not the right time of my life to be doing that. i will some day. He's much more of a dreamer than me and maybe he's right?)
3. He's also having a stressful time with the adoption and this would be a chance to forget about it and make one of these 4 weeks pass really quickly.

When I say no to things he wants to do, he tells me I'm being selfish. I'm quite sure I'm not a selfish person and that he's just trying to win a fight when he says that but it bothers me all the same. So I need to know, would I be selfish to say no to him going?

I'm not sure it's about you being selfish - it's more about him weighing it up and making an informed decision. However - if it all hangs on your say so then to be honest I'd just let him go. You'll cope, he'll be happy and it won't forever been some unspoken source of resentment between the two of you

You've said if it was you he'd do anything to make sure you could go - I think you should do the same for him

Let him go OP then you go and arrange a weekend away with your girlfriends, me and DH do that. He went to Le Mans last year, in November I went to NY Xmas shopping. It works for us.

You're right, you are not his mother. Tell him your feeling and then he can make a measured decision on whether he will go. I don't want mine to go on a jolly with his disreputable, irresponsible friend so I have told him that I will be upset if he goes. But it is not my place to give him permission.

I would just remind that we had agreed he was working the BH and ask what his reasons were now for wanting to forfeit that money and then spend an extra few hundred going out there.

If forfeiting work was an option now then I would prefer the going to the parents holiday home as a family as there have already been separate holidays this year.

Actually I would just say that I wasn't prepared to look after your bil children and your ds on your own and that you expected him to pitch in.

It's not about permission, it's about carrying out promises already agreed (to your BIL), carrying out already agreed plans.

If he wants to go then he can tell his brother you can no longer have the children as he's not around to help, you're not a nanny

10 is not young. Can you book him for breakfast club that week?

If you hadn't made the agreement about him working on BH I would say let him go, but in your position I'd ask why is a trip to the TT with his mates worth the expense and the forfeit of overtime, but a family holiday isn't? They both happen once a year.

In the good times, we always had enough money for individual holidays and family holidays. We're both quite independent and it's been important for us to have our individual breaks and until last year, we could afford it.

But now, we've both had a 20% decrease in pay, rent on our seemed-like-a-great-idea-at-the-time rental property has fallen and mortgage has increased so we've had to pay part of that mortgage each month. We also increased our own mortgage last year to extend.

DH leaves all the finances to me, which is a bone of contention between us because I hate having to be the one who has to be responsible all the time. So he doesn't think about money when he plans things like this.

I know if it was the other way around, he'd be saying go go go, but I would never consider it. But if it was up to me, we'd have a very boring life. The other side of his reckless nature is that he's great fun.

Arrgghhhh! I hate this.

Quintessential, there's no breakfast clubs here. You're right, though, he's not too young to leave at the school 20 minutes early. It wouldn't be the first time he's done it, my DH occasionally works early shifts, but I hate leaving him in an almost empty yard. Not a reason on its own, it's just another pain in the ass thing to think about.

Could you speak to one of the other parents who live near the school, and ask if your son could wait at theirs, and go to school together?

The key point for me is that you agreed to forfeit your own family trip so that he could work and earn the good money that you need - not so that he can go away for his own holiday and spend money that you cannot afford.

That would be enough for me to say no without an iota of guilt!

Hmm. I don't know.

My DH is mad about cars and last year went to the Mille Miglia and this year to the Villa D'Este.

But it did not affect our family holiday. This would be my main bone of contention.

The other objections are ones that can be overcome, but I would have problems with the fact that he will spend money that you cannot really afford.

If you really can't afford it, then say no, but be prepared for ALOT of sulking! I 'let' dh go to the north west 200 when I was 40 ( yes ready to pop) weeks pregnant, just coz I couldn't stand the god damned sulking anymore ( and apparently he could get a flight back if I went into labour).

If it were my DH (which it could be) I'd 'let' him go, or rather, I wouldn't object... because he'd not object to me going on another excursion.

Money is tight for sure, probably will be for a long while and so long as its not affecting our bread and butter line, life is for living.

I can it it from both sides so YANBU, but I don't think he's asking you like he's your mum but being straight up, running it by you with the half knowledge that its a big ask and hoping you'll say yes... as an equal partner in a marriage. I would ask my DH for things that may be pushing the boundaries of 'easily affordable' and if it means DH going out of his way. I guess I, like he, does actually require a 'blessing' sometimes, rather than permission.

If he's not mentioned it before maybe its because all in at full cost its too much of a big ask, but he's been offered a deal... still expensive but more acceptable.

I'd probably say to him that if I give my blessing for this, he would be expected to give his blessing for something else. So double the cost of the weekend in your mind, and over the next year, if that would cripple you, you'll have to say that realistically it would cause a lot of problems. Hopefully he knows this already and is simply pushing his luck...!

I'm soft though, so would give my blessing and ask if there's room for one more.

Thanks for all the comments. I still don't know what I'll say to him but I appreciate the points of view of others. My gut says no but I'll see what happens when we're face to face. I won't get a chance to talk to him this evening cos he'll go to the pub after the match.

What it boils down to really is money and using annual leave. I don't mind looking after his niece and nephew - SIL asked me directly so it was me who agreed to mind them so i really couldn't turn around now and say no to them, and I can bring DS to school for the week.

What it does highlight to me though is the need to change the way we handle our finances. I need to sit him down to make him understand what's coming in and going out so that I don't always have to be the voice of financial doom and gloom, he should be able to work out himself what's affordable and what isn't.

What bike is he thinking of taking?

Your Dh is being unreasonable.

Just an update...

I didn't speak to DH til this evening when he announced that he was going to pass on it this year because we can't afford it but that he'd plan to go next year if the same opportunity came up.

He's growing up, my lad . I do feel a bit sorry for him cos I know he'd love it.