If the hosts don't drink, what is acceptable they provide?

[MrsVidic]

hi, I posted here as I want to get a wide audience. Dp and I stopped drinking last year (me due to the fact I can't hack a hang over and get one every time, even 1 glass and him as he is an arse when he drinks)
We both made this decision independently.

Most of our couple friends drink regularly (wine a few nghts a week) and when we go to theirs for a meal we take them a bottle of their tipple.

My question is what should we put on at a dinner here? And also what about a wedding (ours in a year) ? What should we put on? Also what is the deal when you eat out? I'm not trying to be difficult or stingy but alcohol especially on meals out is the main part of the bill?
Cheers

I like drinking , but would not expect to be offered alcohol in a non-drinking house, no more than I would be expected to be offered meat in a veggie house or pork in a Kosher one. I would always ask the host, when invited, if they would like me to bring anything, and I would see it as their opportunity to say oh wine/beer/whatever.

In the same vein I would offer a range of non alcoholic drinks if inviting non-drinkers to my house but would also have wine beer etc. [all for meeeeeeeee]

For a wedding, unless for religious reasons I would expect alcohol to be provided to those who want it.

Meals out, I would NEVER expect non alcohol drinkers to split the bill evenly. If it was the case and yes in some places the non alcohol option can be as dear, but just have separated drink/food bill.

In my person situation my OH rarely drinks and at most would have a glass of red wine if a bottle was open at the table, as I see it then we split bill equally.

We drink but we'd supply no alcoholic drinks if a teetotaller was coming (or not, I always like people to have a choice) and really some of the nicer soft drinks aren't a lot cheaper than wine!

For our wedding we supplied table wine (and got a lot, quite cheap, from Calais Sainsbury's), Cava (prefer it to champers and meant we could afford more), still and fizzy water, and a few bottles of elderberry non alcoholic wine.

People could drink as much as they liked at the bar, because they were paying. So you can provide toasting fizz and table wine without a massive expense.

When going to someone's house for a meal, I always take a gift of some description and one bottle each of red and white.

I dont drink, IMO - if i am having people over for dinner if they want alcohol they can bring their own. [shrug]

One of my teachers at school told me a story.

She was once invited to a Muslim pupil's house for dinner, they obviously didn't drink, however they knew that my teacher did so they decided that it would be the polite thing to provide a bottle for her. When she arrived she was presented with a pint of whiskey to drink before dinner. She didn't remember the rest of the evening.

I think as long as you provide something to drink it doesn't have to be alcoholic.

eekamouse, If soft drinks are £3.50, and a bottle of wine (for 2) is £25 you could have 3 soft drinks each (for two) and then share another soft drink and you'd still get 50p change from £25.
I don't think many people would be drinking that sort of amount, generally soft drinks have quite a lot of liquid in. I reckon (soft) drinks I drink more than most people and I can't remember a time I've ordered a third drink over a meal out, even when it's free top ups.
We'd tend to split the bill, but pay for drinks separately.

You carry on as normal, do whatever you did when you were drinking.

If people come round for a meal offer them whatever booze you used to offer them.
Do what you would have done at your wedding if you were still drinking.

I don't understand the question really. You are the ones who have decided to stop drinking, all your friends are the same as they always were, so carry on treating them the same.

Thing is, as a HOST I would provide for others, rather than provide for myself and expect everyone else to bring their own (though I expect everyone to bring SOMETHING anyway as that's good manners)...

So I'd provide vegetarian food for veggies, vegan food for vegans, dead animal for meat eaters, alcohol for drinkers, halal/kosher for the relevant religious ones, and something nicer than water for teetotallers.

I just would!

When you eat out you could ask that drinks go on a seperate bill to the food and then pay-as-you-go your soft drinks

I would definately expect wine,sparkling etc at a wedding unless the couple were against it on religious grounds or were in recovery.
I think people should split the bill when they go out,I can't bear any kind of oooh you had a more expensive main etc,but if someone has sat nursing a coke all night whilst other people have ordered wine,I hope the others would be well mannered enough to spot it,in the same way as if you know someone is a bit broke & ordering less expensive things.

We're teetotal and always have been. I really struggle with this because we don't have alcohol in the house so if somebody's coming round we have to get something in. We tend to phone whoever's coming and ask them to be utterly specific. Because 'white wine' isn't enough. I've stood in the shop for bloody hours wondering what it all means and then ended up with dry for somebody who likes sweet (whatever that means). So I am very clear that if you want something in particular, you need to tell me in advance. I then give them anything leftover at the end of the evening and tell them to take it home with them. I've no idea about alcohol at all, it's just not on my radar.

At our wedding we bought a bottle of red and a bottle of white for each table (took the recommendation of the venue), plus a jug of juice and a jug of water and then put money behind the bar for later on so people could have what they wanted.

If you've always been teetotal then that's different IMO.

If you've just stopped drinking then you know full well what to give people when they come to dinner parties or at weddings. You don't forget everything about alcohol when you stop drinking.

If a bottle of wine is ordered then the bill is out of balance as bottles aere expensive. If people are drinking pints of lager or spirits then where I live these are the same price as soft drinks so the bill would be more equal.iyswim

DH's cousin got married to a lovely girl with a rather weird family. They were all very religious and of course did not believe in the evils of drink. At the wedding, DH's aunt had to ask us if we would mind not having too much to drink as the brides family were downing all the wine at the top table and she was worried there would not be enough to go around. The grooms family had to supply the drink so it was a finite supply of wine. I never want to see a bottle of elderflower cordial again.

So, always over cater for wine at weddings even if you do not think people are going to be drinking.

Always offer full selection of drinks when you have visitors as well. I am always a bit annoyed that I have to ask for water at PIL. They never drink the stuff and only ever offer tea or coffee. When we were there at Easter I got myself some water, drank about three sips before I turned my back to help DD with her dinner and MIL had taken away the glass to be washed up.

I dont think you should have to provide alcohol for other people if you are a dry house actually.

And I wouldnt expect to be served booze or in fact take any round to a dry house either. For whatever reason they didnt drink.

Weddings are different but I would do toasts and a bar - I have been to non drinking weddings for religious reasonsd and its really no big deal though.

And having to split the bill for 5 bottles of wine when you've had some tap water is really tedious and never evens itself out no matter what you say.

I don't drink much. I'm always sodding well driving! But I'd always offer wine and beer to visitors and certainly would provide alcohol at a wedding. I'm not the slightest bit mean but don't particularly like the effects that free bars have on an event so would probably stick a certain amount of dosh behind the bar and after this was drunk people would have to pay for their drinks. As for splitting bills in restaurants, we tend not to eat out with people who need the bill analysed and dissected with the precision of a forensic scientist.

Unless you abstain from alcohol for religious reasons, it is polite to offer it to guests but you don't need to go overboard. Beer is just as acceptable to most people having a casual meal and a variety of non-fizzy soft drinks always goes down well with those of us who have to drive home!!

The thing is I sort of have a bit of a niggle of people getting shit faced- daughter of an alcoholic and I work in a rehab place so deal with the consequences daily

Unfortunately that's up to them really, isn't it.

I suppose you could have a dry wedding if it's that important to you that no-one gets drunk. Up to you really. TBH no-one really wants people getting paralytic at their wedding but in our culture that's just life really.

I suppose I come at it from the POV of an ex drinker. All of my friends I met when I was quite a heavy drinker and so (obviously) they all really like a drink. Just because I've stopped doesn't mean I can or should try to curb my friends habits, given that I've know when they're like, and they've been like that, for the last 20+ years IYSWIM.

I don't drink and DP only drinks lightly. Our friends know this and, for casual get-togethers, bring their own booze when they come to our house, although DP will get some beers in as he will have one or two. If it's more of a party or an occasion e.g. a birthday or other celebration, then we'll buy cava/prosecco ? I like to be able to pour my mates a glass or several of fizz.

Same when eating out; we take the alcohol off the bill to calculate what I owe, then the rest of the group split the drink between them and add it to their share. I agree that nit-picking over bills as in 'I didn't have a pudding/your main course was £2 more than mine' is awful, but it's different if people have spent a lot on booze.

Maybe I'm just very lucky, but all of my friends behave like this without me ever having had to have a difficult conversation with them!

MrsVidic, I know what you mean. And I worried about my wedding day. I choose not to drink because I do not like the damage I've seen it do and I cannot abide being around people who have lost control through alcohol. But I also know that's about me and not them. So on my wedding day I threw myself into the day, was so busy that I wasn't that aware of what everybody else was doing and I had a couple of v good friends who knew that if anybody did get to the stage where they were horrifically drunk, they'd guide them gently away from me.

i went to a wedding last year (one of those expensive country house jobbies where you travel to other side of the country, stay 2 nights in a hotel, have time off work as it was mid week - cheaper for the b&g - buy expensive john lewis present) and they didn't provide anything to drink (not even soft drinks).
I was really annoyed. we were in a hotel where it was really expensive too and it ended up costing us a fortune.
Sorry - the upshot of rant above is i feel a glass of something on arrival to the reception and wine with the meal is considered the norm in most peoples book.

I don't drink. I make it clear when we eat out I'm happy to split the bill however which way, but I shan't pay for alcohol.

I also don't provide alcohol when I am doing lunch/supper for guests. They are welcome to bring their own, but I do not serve it nor encourage it.

I do hate the way that some people assume a wedding is an excuse to get higwhimperingly drunk though and don't think anyone is BU if they'd rather not see this happen at their wedding. I've read comments on a bridal forum where girls were quite happily saying they hadn't remembered much about their wedding day since they'd been utterly mullered. How attractive must that have been, ffs?

I don't think that non-drinkers should be paying for the alcohol drunk by others. Whilst I do drink myself, when out with a certain group of friends I don't drink anywhere near as much as them, and as I am on a budget I always pay for my own drinks. I don't like nit picking over whose dinner cost the most BUT I certainly don't see why someone drinking a lime and soda should be paying for another person's double whiskey and cokes.

As for dinner parties I would provide 2 types of wine and let everyone bring their own if they are fussy.
For your wedding take advice from the restaurant manager. Usually a red, white or rosa with the main course and sparkly wine/champaign for the toast. plus fruit juice or bucks fizz on arrival if you want to splash out. If elderly guests also provide sherry but it does depend on your budget.
Congratulations on your wedding btw.

my friend got married recently and she is an alcolholic, does not drink at all but still does meetings

anyway at her wedding they had

tea and cakes after the wedding (lovely, and as it was sunny/hot the lack of booze was not an issues)

then they had a paid bar, and a few bottles of wine per table

It was lovely and completely appropriate

i've been teetotal for about 5 or 6 yrs now not ethical or anything just bit of a lightweight and don't like the taste of alchohol.

at the wedding i provided champagne cocktail on entrance to reception 2 bottles of wine on each table and champagne for the toasts then anything else was paid by guests at the bar.

when people come to my house i get wine for table and tell them to bring spirirts if they'll want some.

at the pub i put half of everyone elses kitty (friends suggested this years ago and its always been the way since)
and at a restaurant its usually people i'm with who'll say EECD didn't drink so should pay less and just take a couple of quid off my "share"