And I am only slightly joking...
Namechanged to protect the innocent (me!)
Ok, I am presuming that I am not just being overly fussy as the flat was properly filthy, but all the reviews on several rental sites have it as 5 stars and spotlessly clean!!!
When the taxi pulled up outside, i thought it was a bit rundown, but ok, then we ventured inside. it is fair to say it could have done with being redecorated, peeling wall paper etc, but again, we thought ok.... then we went to explore.....
Kids get upstairs slightly before us "muuuuuum, the bin is full of wee!" go up to discover that the bin in the kids room is indeed full of urine...
-every corner of every room has cobwebs
-huge damp patch with flaking paint in one bedroom
-2 overhead lights don't work
-dirt all over the floor
-bins not been emptied since last guest
-doors are all filthy, ingrained dirt, living room door looks like someone sprayed a bottle of coke up it and didn't clean it
-kitchen overhead light fittings were white ceramic, with inches of dust on them
-bathroom was filthy, shampoo bottle left on floor behind sink with inches of dirt clearly hadn't been moved for years (literally)
-in the garden BBQ had been used as an ashtray around 50 cigarette buts floating in stinking dirty water.
Soooo we try to phone the owner, voicemail saying she is (conveniently) out of the country, leave a voicemail to ask her to call asap, also email her. There are no other phone numbers to contact anyone in an emergency.
Try to get somewhere else to stay but there is 8 of us and it's a bank holiday weekend, so the cheapest we can get is about £150 pp per night...so not ideal.
After a while realise we have no choice but to tidy up and stay....thankfully the bedding looked clean. We stayed out all day every day only going home to sleep (which totally added to the cost of our long weekend!)
On our last day a housekeeper arrives as we are leaving, she is roughly 15 and speaks hardly any English, I try to explain the way we found the flat, she giggles, realise we are getting nowhere so leave.
Email owner on arrival home, with all our complaints, she says it all must have been us and we are lucky she is not billing us for specialised cleaning. Says they have never had a complaint before, and to be fair all the reviews of it give 5 stars and say it is spotless (makes me wonder if they are all made up or wonder where the people who think it is spotless live!!!)
I have photos of everything on my phone....Anything I can do?