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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I would love to have another child but DH is not keen. Advice please.

18 replies

fulltimeworkingmum · 31/05/2011 21:49

This is probably not the right place to put this thread but I was not sure where else to place it so sorry if this is boring.
I am very fortunate to have a lovely DH, 2 beautiful children (5 and 3) and a well paid job. DH is in his late forties and I am 38. Up until 6 months ago, I was perfectly content but recently I have become more and more fixated on having just one more child. Last time DH and I spoke about this was a couple of years back and he was not keen to have any more babies. I agreed and had a Mirena fitted.

The thing is, I am contemplating getting the Mirena removed on the quiet and letting Nature take its course. I am aware of how duplicitous this is but that tick is getting louder and louder and I would love to be pregnant and give birth one more time.
I truly would appreciate your constructive advice.

OP posts:

scarlettsmummy2 · 31/05/2011 21:51

what are his reasons for not wanting another one? could he be persuaded if he knew how important to you it was?

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 21:51

I am in the same situation...two DC and in my late 30s. My DH said no more...and I have backed down. I have two...he has a right to say no. If you have a baby without his consent you are swtting yourself up for splitting up. He will resent you and know what you did. You KNOW YABU.

Georgimama · 31/05/2011 21:52

Constructive advice? Deliberately getting pregnant with a child your husband doesn't want whilst he thinks you are using contraception is deeply, deeply wrong. It will have repercussions. Do not do it.

peaceofcake · 31/05/2011 21:57

YABU
Speak to him about it, and if he says no respect that and don't trick him - it is utterly wrong. If you do trick him and he knows he may leave you.
Think about the children you have now and how a break up would affect them, rather than thinking about a child that doesn't even exist.

PhilipJFry · 31/05/2011 21:58

I would talk to your husband about this since the last time you spoke about it was several years ago- he may have different feelings about it now.

About removing the mirena on the sly: bad idea. IMO it'd be more ramifications than doing it while on the pill because it would take so much more effort and duplicity. You'd have no excuse like "I forgot to take it" or "I must have taken something that made it less effective"- he'd know you'd done it on purpose and avoided him having any options. You would have to make the decision to have it removed, go to the doctor, have it taken out and then have sex with your husband with him believing you are using a very effective contraception. Once he finds out what you've done, how do you think he will feel? I can only imagine he will be angry and deeply hurt that you'd gone about it without even involving him and without his consent.

Original poster

fulltimeworkingmum · 31/05/2011 22:01

You are all right - it's shameful to even contemplate it on the quiet. I will have to tackle him about it again.
Thanks for all the helpful comments :)

OP posts:

hairylights · 31/05/2011 22:03

I'm going to be blunt. I think stopping contraception without your partners consent is one of the most awful, evil, horrible things you can do, if your partner has stated they don't want more children and they believe you are on contraception. Grounds for divorce ... Think of the rest of your family and have the courage to be honest.

Mitzimaybe · 31/05/2011 22:04

By all means have the mirena removed, but NOT without telling him. Tell him it's causing you some problems or something, and you need it removing. Tell him you still want to TTC again and see if he can be persuaded. If he says no, put the onus for conception on him - condoms, vasectomy, whatever - that way if he fails to take precautions then it's 100% his fault and not yours. That's what I've done, anyway.

Georgimama · 31/05/2011 22:06

You say this wish only came on about 6 months ago and until then you were perfectly happy with 2, and you're 38 and DH in his 40s. Could it be that you feel that you are in last chance saloon and in a very few years the option to have another child won't be available to you, so you're having a wobble? It may just be that and not worth upseting the apple cart for.

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/05/2011 22:07

you must not love and respect your husband if you are seriously planning to get the coil removed without telling him.
if you do you will lose his trust.

hudspur · 31/05/2011 23:26

I think what you're planning to do is vile and shows that you have no respect for him or his wishes.

LordOfTheFlies · 01/06/2011 01:37

Not all children are planned but every child has the right to be wanted.By both parents.

Imagine if you didn't want another child and your husband did and made holes in the condoms.(although if you didn't you'd take extra precautions). You would feel violated and rightly so.
Its a big risk to hope he would just take it on board and embrace the new life.
DH and I are 44 and have an 11yo and nearly 9 yo. We can think of few things we'd like less than going through all that again. Mentally,physically ,financially ;too much to take on.

5DollarShake · 01/06/2011 01:46

Mitzimaybe's suggestion is the only way to handle this - but you do have to accept that he may go for a vasectomy, thereby removing any chance of conception.

Cymar · 01/06/2011 11:03

Get your coil removed on the quiet and make him a father again without his consent and these are things that could happen:

He'll resent you for forcing him into fatherhood.
He'll lose all trust for you as you'll have got pregnant on the sly.
He may not have any interest in the 3rd DC because he didn't want it.
He'll feel you have no respect for him at all for doing this.
If you split up, he'll be paying for a child he was clear wouldn't consent to and was tricked into creating.

Your urge for another child may be reason enough to decide whether this would be a dealbreaker. You need to talk it over, but be prepared to make a decision on whether to possibly break up your family to have the last child you want or respect his wishes and keep your family together.

porcamiseria · 01/06/2011 11:18

many people want a third, me included, but you know what you cant always have what you want. reasons for not having a 3rd are many for me, but prime one is that working FT I worry how I wll be able to devote quality time to 3, and its a struggle with 2!

dont do this, frankly you are putting the call of your hormones over your DH and over practical issues

be happy with what you have got, you are very very very lucky

MonstaMunch · 01/06/2011 11:23

what right do you have to force him to become a parent again?

imagine the outcry if a man deliberately got his partner preggers against her will

IWantAnotherBaby · 01/06/2011 11:40

I know exactly how you feel; I will be 38 very soon, DH mid-forties, children 7 and 3. Desperately want another; DH adamant he doesn't. He knows how I feel. So I have reluctantly accepted it, and now made it even harder for myself by taking a much better paid and longer-hours job, so couldn't even consider pregnancy for another 2 years or more now.

But I think I will always regret not having a 3rd child, and I already resent him for it a bit. Frankly every time he wants sex I feel resentful... but I guess I'll get over it eventually. I can't count the times I've thought about stopping contraception, but really I know it would be irresponsible and asking for trouble.

Ephiny · 01/06/2011 13:08

It's a terrible idea to try to trick him - but you know that of course :)

Why exactly do you want another child? He probably has good arguments against (time, space, stress, finances etc) so you might need some strong reasons to counter-act those. Personally I would need a lot of persuading to consider more than one child, especially as research shows parents' happiness and life satisfaction decreases with each one they have, and we already have a massively over-populated world.

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