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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not force my toddler to 'share'

57 replies

livinginazoo · 31/05/2011 13:53

If my 2 y.o. is playing nicely with a little fire engine at playgroup (and has been for 5 mins or so), minding his own business, AIBU to tell the bossy mother of a 3 y.o. that no- in fact my son does NOT want to swap his little fire engine for another toy (of many many available at the place) just because her 3 y.o. is having a major stroppy fit and wants it NOW. Seriously, I had to physically stop that woman and say no! Sharing is one thing, grabbing too, but this situation only arose because of her appalling parenting skills and spoiled brat. How is this teaching children to interact with each other or become self-sufficient? Same child took to throwing hard toys at the littler toddlers afterwards, and no that yummy mummy did not say a word to him to stop him, or attempt to comfort/apologise for his actions. The mind boggles.

OP posts:
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 31/05/2011 16:04

YANBU. I agree, the other child does sound like a spoilt brat, and it's no surprise with a mother like that. Your DC was hardly monopolising it by playing with a tiny vehicle for 5 minutes, when there were plenty of other cars available to play with.

I do think that generally yes, children should be made to share, but it's not like there was only one vehicle to choose from. The woman and child sound a bit like my friend and her son. We went to soft play recently and a child was sitting on a little playmat type thing and my friend's son decided he wanted it and chucked a tantrum. My friend wanted the other mum to make her son get off the mat so her DS could sit on it, but the mum refused and to be honest I don't really blame her.

holyShmoley · 31/05/2011 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 31/05/2011 16:26

YANBU!!!! I used not to be very assertive about these bossy mums, and regret it now. Would she be okay if you picked up her mobile and made a call on it, or her magazine before she had read it?

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 31/05/2011 16:32

ooh, yes, and at the cubs raffle, my DS1 (then 11) won a soft toy, and gave it to DS2 (then 9), who loves soft toys. Meanwhile, a toddler who had seen it threw a unholy tantrum and wanted it. The parents, who have a DS the same age as DS2 asked DS1 if he could let her have the toy as he and his bro were too old for it Angry. DS1 is a nice boy who would have, in the face of an adult making a request like that, handed it over. Two years ago, still makes me angry that adults try to bully children like that.

NormanTebbit · 31/05/2011 16:37

Possession is nine tenths of the law. If DD3 has something there is NO WAY she is giving it up, especially if another child wants it. If I try to make her give it up she screams her head off. She isn't two yet, does not understand sharing and won't til she's getting on for three.

But if she wanted a toy another child was playing with I wouldn't make that child 'share' either. This sharing business for tots gets right on my wick TBH. I see mummies telling their 18 month old to 'share' and I just think Hmm

Op you were quite right.

mum765 · 31/05/2011 16:38

YANBU Sharing is waiting until something is free to play with - not demanding it off another dc. Why can't some people say "no" to their dc? This becomes important when they start school as the teacher does not have time to organise turns for every activity. They'll simply get a flat no from the other dc.

pigletmania · 31/05/2011 16:46

Yanbu in the respect that you should not pander to the tantruming Childs wants. However if your child has been playing with a toy for sometime (think communal setting like toddler group) and others want a go it is only fair to allow others to share it, and not monopolise it.

This happened a lot when dd now 4( possible ASD speech and language developmental delay) wanted something and she wanted it there and then. I would never give in to her, instead removed her from the area and went home.

LineRunner · 31/05/2011 17:02

I fucking hated playgroups.

Horrible screaming toddlers, horrible whingeing playgroup workers*, horrible huffing and puffing mothers.

You don't need to over-think it, Living. You know YANBU, and that tantrums should never be allowed to pay. A simple, "My son will pass on the toy in five minutes" should suffice, with a calm smile [i.e. fixed grin].

*Apologies to all the lovely playgroup workers reading this. I'm talking about a specific town some time ago!

fairydoll · 31/05/2011 17:09

living in a zoo-3 is still very very young!! Couldn't they both have played with it

TattyDevine · 31/05/2011 17:14

Why is everyone assuming PFB? This is irritating behaviour if you have 10 children.

I have an acquaintence who is a bit like this - she wants it both ways. If your child expresses interest in a toy her child has (and he's rather good at "taunting" children with things by waving it right in front of their nose etc) then she goes on about "learning to take turns and wait your turn" etc which is fine, and true, really - but if your child is quietly playing in a corner with something of theirs and her child comes and tries to take it off them (often for the purpose of antagonising, not just because he wants to play with it - i.e sometimes he'll simply go and hide it somewhere) then your child is "not great at sharing is he".

They learn sharing around 2.5 / 3 years old if encouraged as they suddenly get the cognitive thing that its actually more fun to share (think train set, racing cars, role play with dollies, etc) but when they are younger its always a minefield.

Carjacking is the funniest. When you go to a play place with the little ride on cars and you witness a bunch of 1.5 - 2 year olds all carjacking each other and the drama that ensues Grin

mrsravelstein · 31/05/2011 17:17

yanbu.

taking turns is one thing, but not demanding a toy from another child.

TidyDancer · 31/05/2011 17:22

Er, nancy, are you the other mother??

OP, YANBU.

JamieAgain · 31/05/2011 17:22

I agree with you, OP.

NormanTebbit · 31/05/2011 17:23

Frankly I'm too busy mainlining caffeine and gossiping to notice what DD3 wants...

JamieAgain · 31/05/2011 17:24

OTOH, I wouldn't allow my child to monopolise anything for too long (but you weren't doing that, OP)

tomhardyismydh · 31/05/2011 17:26

YANBU, in situations like this If I am aware a child is waiting for a toy I do attempt to at some point wrap up my dds time with toy and encourage her to pass on to waiting child or I will discretely pass on. But no way would I interrupt a perfectly happy playing child to pacify a tantruming child.

This is why palygroups should be avoided at all costs.

nancydrewfoundaclue · 31/05/2011 17:38

The other mother? Good god no - I wouldn't set foot in a mother and toddler group. They sound like my idea of hell.

Seriously who on earth physically stops someone from swapping a communal toy or shouts "no!" at a toddler/mother who attempts such a thing. Certainly no one I know. Surely the point of these things is so that mum gets to relax and have a chat whilst children learn a but of give and take and for an hour or so everyone takes the path of least resistance. It all sounds a bit unhinged: they are toddlers, it's a toy car. Grips need to be got.

Doitnicelyplease · 31/05/2011 17:44

YANBU

Another here that always puts more focus on taking-turns than sharing, especially when we are out and about and the toys don't 'belong' to any one child.

It is unfair to ask a child to share when they have only just started playing. Most toddlers only have interest in toys for 5-10 mins so after that time you could then intervene and suggest that another kid gets a turn now.

Before we have a child to play at home I do remind DD that she will have to share her toys with whoever is coming over (she has a classic case of wanting whatever toy the other child has shown interest in) and I point out that she plays with their toys when we go to their house and that sharing is expected for the playdate, but the toys are still 'hers' and she can play with them any other time. But if there are still squabbles we sort it out by turn-taking.

Luckily because my DD understands 'waiting for a turn' we have avoided our fair share of meltdowns.

mathanxiety · 31/05/2011 17:55

YANBU. Waiting your turn is just as important than sharing. Up to about 3 a lot of children do not really want to 'share' in the sense of giving up a toy they are playing with as soon as someone else wants it, or co-operating with another child in a game using the toy together, and forcing them to share will not work out well. A child who is 3ish OTOH, can and should understand the concept of waiting his turn.

There is no way parents can relax and have a chat while simultaneously expecting their children to magically learn about give and take and getting along. Toddler and small child groups are hell because the parents think they can do this.

TidyDancer · 31/05/2011 17:59

When someone is trying to physically take something out of your child's hand, they are the ones who need to get a grip. The OP's child was only playing, and suddenly has the toy he is playing with almost forcibly removed from his hand. Not because of sharing, but because the other mother's child wanted it. Let's be clear on that.

This is not the way decent parents behave. Waiting your turn is also a good skill to teach a child. The option should not be to take a toy from a smaller child because your 3-year-old might tantrum otherwise.

The other mother was in the wrong by a country mile.

TidyDancer · 31/05/2011 17:59

x-post mathanxiety!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 31/05/2011 18:08

My friend was at ikea with her DC when he was about 6mths old.

He was sitting in one of those play huts in the cafe. He was infront of a particular toy bolted to the wall.
She was sitting on a stool watching him.

Another mother came up, picked him up and moved him to another spot and plonked her baby infront of the preferred toy Shock

Can you actually believe that!?

I was well shocked.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 31/05/2011 18:16

At home, we kept chose one toy per playdate the DSs didn't have to share if they didn't want to. Most of my friends did the same with their DCs. But at a playgroup the rules are a bit different I think. If the other child had had to wait for a while then, yes, I do think YABU. But if they just walked straight up and wanted a go, no waiting, then it is out of order for the other mum to get high and mighty!

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 31/05/2011 18:18

MrsDeVere, that is awful!! Did you say anything to the mother?

MissBetsyTrotwood · 31/05/2011 18:19

Oh thefirstMrsDeVere that is awful. What did your friend do?