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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in laws and a strip club???!!!

23 replies

bluemoongirly · 31/05/2011 13:26

My DP's brother is getting married in a few weeks.

We have never really gotten on great but last few months it has got better, ive been determined to not get involved in their plans, i attended her hen do with DP's mum and aunt. Ive even found a dress that goes with the weddings colour scheme but is so plain as i told DP's mum i want to blend in as it's her day and I wouldnt expect them to get involved if we ever marry.

Anyway getting to the point its DP's brothers stag do this weekend. And DP's bro wants to go to a strip club as part of it. Now i have said my DP can do what he wants and i trust him...however DP is refusing to go as he doesnt want to/wont feel comfortable/refuses as he does not agree with them on principal.

On Sunday evening we had both sides round at ours.....DP's brother and future SIL were ranting at DP in our house "You have got to go your best man" "why dont you wanna go" and her best reponse was "Dont worry if they get married you just dont do anything for them."

I tried really hard to hold my tongue and not get into it, i know its me who they are trying to blame, but to be honest it is DP, and my father and brother will also be there and DP is mortified at his brother and future SIL's behaviour.

They left our house without saying goodbye, we have not had an apology or an contact with them....how can i get DP to demand an apology?

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 31/05/2011 13:29

I don't understand 'her response'?

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 31/05/2011 13:32

she wants my DP to escort he fiance to the strip club....and he wont and she got very loud and rude when he refused to say he would go and "keep an eye on him"

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 31/05/2011 13:33

First of all you can't get anyone to 'demand an apology'. People will say sorry if they mean it, won't if they don't.
Secondly, is your DP refusing to go to the whole stag do or just the strip club bit? If it's the former that does seem unfair but if it's the latter then he just needs to reasonably state that he'll be going home when they go on there as he's not comfortable with it.
If you don't get on particularly well anyway would you care if your SIL carried out her threat (which is hypothetical anyway)?

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 31/05/2011 13:35

Plus bet your bottom dollar your SIL doesn't want your BIL to go to a strip club.

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 31/05/2011 13:38

My DP is just refusing to go to the strip club part of the evening.

I wouldnt care if she wasnt at my (hypothetical) wedding.

Im concerned that im trying very hard to keep the peace and do everything that is expected of a SIL when they are getting married whilst she is shouting at my DP in our house that my DP has got to escort her fiance to a strip club.

Why can she not see that infront of my brother, dad, and two uncles that is very mortifying!!

OP posts:
MountainDew · 31/05/2011 13:38

Good on your DP for sticking to his morals. If he doesn't agree with it on principle, then that is a totally valid reason not to go. Is he going to the first part of the night? He should. and spend it talking about the evils of strip clubs

I don't think you can, or should, get him to demand an apology. But maybe your DP needs to explain to them, in his own words, exactly what it is he disagrees with, and highlight how this is not coming from you. And also highlight how much he has done in support if the wedding (if indeed he has!).

Nothing you can do yourself really. Is your DP upset by it? People get funny about weddings, and sadly that has extended into hen and stag parties.

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 31/05/2011 13:43

Well also on sunday at our house she demanded to see my DP's best man speech...is that how things are done now??? Ive never heard of the bride doing that?

My DP has read the speech to his parents and there is nothing in it that will cause offence....im not sure i have the bride gene but i cant imagine behaving like this?

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 31/05/2011 13:50

Sounds like there's more to this than meets the eye. She's upset because she thinks her fiance needs chaperoning and your DP won't do it. To be worried about the content of the speech as well....it suggests that perhaps your BIL might have a little bit of history, no?

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 31/05/2011 13:54

He doesnt have a lot of history that i know of, I have been with my partner five years, them six years. Nothing beyond ordinary teenage/early twenties behaviour.

My uncle (ever the mediator) tried to say if her brother is going why cant my DP just pass on his best man duties to her brother? At this my future SIL stopped speaking to anyone other than her fiance she stormed out about half an hour later

OP posts:
worraliberty · 31/05/2011 14:02

Why did your DP's brother choose a strip club if he knows your DP has a problem?

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 31/05/2011 14:06

I cant say i have never had a conversation about stripclubs with my DP before this has come up. He isnt one for going out clubbing/drinking anyway.

My DP has said from the first time it was mentioned that he wouldnt be going to that part of the evening...but neither his brother or SIL has let it go.

Ive told him to tell his brother to pick a new best man if my DP is "not up to the job"

OP posts:
WhoAteMySnickers · 31/05/2011 14:09

"how can i get DP to demand an apology?"

"Ive told him to tell his brother to pick a new best man if my DP is "not up to the job""

Is your DP not able to speak for himself?

SenoritaViva · 31/05/2011 14:09

She sounds like she is getting wedding stresses and becoming a bit unreasonable.

What about sending your brother and SIL the following email:

Dear B and SIL
I am sorry that your wedding arrangements seem to be causing stress within the family - this should be such a happy time and from our side we certainly don't want to continue with this fighting and upset.

However, I feel it is important that you understand our corner. DH is delighted to be best man and looking forward to it. Nevertheless, he feels uncomfortable being forced going to a strip club, he is not judging those that decide to go, however, it is not something he feels he can take part in. DH will look after DB until the strip club point then XX has agreed to look after him. I know you must be nervous about all the stag do stories that one hears, but I am sure he will be in capable hands and no harm will come to him.

I am sure you understand where DH is coming from, I would have supported whatever decision he had made, but as his decision is not to go, I fully support and respect this decision.

Please do not let this ruin the run up to your wedding, we do not wish to fight about it but do ask you to respect DH's wishes.

Bluemoongirly

Sorry rushing around and trying to help so could be written better. Stick to your guns but I don't think you can 'demand and apology'. Try to work on building bridges, you will be the better person as a result.

NonnoMum · 31/05/2011 14:11

Since when was an essential part of the marriage ceremony watching poor, oppressed and often drug-addicted women take their clothes off in front of a baying crowd of pervy men??

You are lucky to have a DP who is respectful towards women.

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 31/05/2011 14:14

My DP's bro is the golden child of his family and is the type of man who likes to be the "alpha male" so he can speak for himself, but rarely does. I rarely get hot under the collar about this but the fact that my DP was verbally harrassed in our house with my side of the family present is why i feel they should offer an apology.

Thats a brill email SenoritaViva but i dont think i even have their email addresses.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 31/05/2011 14:20

I can understand your DP's brother's disappointment a little bit, though I don't think he should be making this much of a fuss.

When I was matron of honour for my friend, the idea of inflatable willies, male strippers, pink limosines and nightclubs filled me with a mixture of horror and boredom to be honest...but it was her night and I wanted to make sure she thoroughly enjoyed it, so I put myself out..went along, gritted my teeth (it's only one night after all!) and she had a fantastic time Grin

Maybe your DP's brother doesn't understand why he's not worth your DP putting himself last for...for a couple of hours?

NotEnoughTime · 31/05/2011 14:21

Hear hear NonnoMum-my thoughts EXACTLY.

NET

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 31/05/2011 14:22

I perfectly agree worraliberty and i have said previous to this last and most recent incident that i think DP should try and grin and bear it for his brother. I dont have problem with my DP going in a strip club...as long as he doesnt touch ;)

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 31/05/2011 14:22

'Alpha male' is not a bloody excuse!

What nonnomum says is quite correct. You are never obliged to go to something that conflicts with your morals/comfort and certainly shouldn't just because someone is getting married. Bridezilla/Groomzilla at it's worst.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 14:25

OP I admire your DP for sticking to his beliefs. I would just stay out of it now, and let your DP and BIL work it out between themselves. As unfair as it is, they sound very unreasonable and they could end up blaming you for it all if you get involved.

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 31/05/2011 14:29

"Alpha male" is not an excuse but he is the type that has an opinion on everything from the hours i work/how much i get paid (teachers work too little earn too much etc) from how me and my DP split our finances.

I have been known to come out with what my DP's brother refers to as "feminist s*e" im just explaining why my DP wont confront his brother

OP posts:
worraliberty · 31/05/2011 14:29

I agree bluemoon

Perhaps his brother feels as though he's being judged for his choice of venue?

We've already had the 'opressed drug addicts' posts from people who make assumptions about the women who will be dancing/stripping there. Perhaps he doesn't need it from his brother too?

I hope it all works out anyway. Really though, it's just a couple of hours for one evening but if your DP doesn't want to put himself out, there's nothing anyone can do.

I think 'handing the duties' to his future BIL is the best idea here.

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 31/05/2011 14:36

Yes millie thats why i stayed out of the conversation on sunday...but thats hard when your DP is being shouted down in your own house!

I dont think its about my DP putting himself out he really is just not into that kind of evening...ive tried suggesting just going and doing what his brother wants and then when we get married he can insist his brother goes on a fishing weekend or something his brother will equally hate!

OP posts:
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