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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is an excuse and we should let the poor girl off the hook?

49 replies

HarderToKidnap · 30/05/2011 12:45

We are trying to organise a family holiday. I suppose we do a family holiday every 6 or 7 years. The plan is that in Sep 2012 (so 18 months ish time) me and DH, Mum and Dad, Aunt and Uncle and my brother and his girlfriend (and my DC - am currently pregnant, so fingers crossed) go to a villa for a week. Nothing expensive. Everyone is in, but DB and his girlfriend (let's call her Bev) are umming and aahing a bit. That's fine, she is very shy, barely speaks to us and never attends social gatherings. If we are invited round to theirs, she is out, if he comes to us, he comes alone. That's the way she is and that is OK.

So we were never really expecting him and her to come on the family holiday - had booked a large enough villa so they could, but left it open. DB very keen, says they are def coming, what are the dates? We tell him and book it.

Ten minutes later a frantic phone call from DB - "Don't book it!! Wait!!". We have already booked it, he is really upset and says he thinks they will have to drop out. After we told him the dates he checked with Bev, who said she would be on her period that week, and wouldn't be able to go.

On her period. In 18 months time. Riiiiiight.

Now, to me, clearly this is an excuse she has siezed upon. No one actually seriously knows when they will be on their period in 18 months, and surely she'd just get those pills from the doctor if it were true. Now everyone running around trying to rearrange things, when it seems obvious to me it is an excuse and she is going to come up with more and more outlandish excuses if we do rearrange it. DB seems oblivious and is hassling us to change the dates/villa and is getting very offended if you intimate that this sounds like Bev is trying to get out the holiday. I say we let the poor girl off the hook and say no, we aren't changing it. AIBU?

OP posts:

trixie123 · 30/05/2011 13:11

sounds like she's using the period excuse because your brother will probably respond the way most men do and back off instantly, no qs asked (which is why it is always so effective on male PE teachers)! It would be v difficult to rearrange everything else and she obviously doesn't want to go so why "force" her by making the date different?

donnie · 30/05/2011 13:12

just buy her some tampax.

Original poster

HarderToKidnap · 30/05/2011 13:14

Sorry, diddl, I don't understand the question? Do you mean does the family get together at other times? Yes, we get together all the time - I see my mum and dad weekly, see DB couple of times a month, see Aunt and Uncle once a month or so, Uncle plays golf with DB, Aunt and Uncle see Mum and Dad, I go shopping with Aunt etc etc. The seven of us are close and have lots of different little relationships with each other. Just going on holiday because we like each other's company really, and we always have had regular holidays together.

I have made lots of overtures to Bev, she really isn't interested at all. I do find her quite odd to be honest - for instance, if we are in a group, if she has something to say she will whisper it to DB and then he will have to say it out loud. I went round to his for lunch the other day, was there for an hour, was just leaving, asked DB if she was out, it turns out she was in the next room watching TV! However, she is perfectly pleasant and they seem quite happy together, which is the important thing.

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 30/05/2011 13:14

Why does she not feel able to tell her boyfriend "I don't want to go on holiday with your family"?

Poor girl.

emmanumber3 · 30/05/2011 13:15

Seems odd that a woman who is too shy to socialise with her DP's family at all is perfectly happy for them to know details of her menstrual cycle for the next 18 months .

Terrible excuse, she doesn't want to go - as you've already worked out. YANBU in the slightest - let her off the hook .

Original poster

HarderToKidnap · 30/05/2011 13:15

Trillian, she just comes across as having the least self confidence you have ever seen. I have never met anyone so small and withdrawn and shy. I knew her before DB did actually, and she has always been the same.

OP posts:

diddl · 30/05/2011 13:23

I just thought that if you regularly see each other, then it won´t be ruined if your brother doesn´t go iyswim.

I don´t think she´s odd to not want a holiday with her boyfriend´s family-but odd to be so shy that she couldn´t be in the room with just her boyfriend & OP?

Does she work?
If so, how does she cope with that?

Sounds as if she´s either rude or needs help!

Curiousmama · 30/05/2011 13:28

Your brother must be a lovely man

CatPower · 30/05/2011 13:39

Think of it this way - you've got 18 months to try and bring her out of her shell a bit.

Your DB obviously loves her to be taken in by such a lame excuse, but maybe it's time to make an effort with her directly? You're obviously a really close family, maybe she feels a little overwhelmed by you all? I mean that in the nicest possible way, obviously!

It could be that she is just rude and a bit weird, in which case leave her to her own devices, or she might just be crippled by low self-esteem and perhaps some kind of social anxiety. Can you pop round to visit her, rather than DB?

diddl · 30/05/2011 13:44

OP-if you knew her before your brother, then it seems odd that she stayed in the other room when it was just you visiting.

I agree it might be an idea to start visiting just her.

EightiesChick · 30/05/2011 13:57

Has your DB not worked this out then?

Tambern · 30/05/2011 14:53

Aww I feel a bit sorry for her, kudos to you though for realising that it's an excuse and not wanting to put her under more pressure. I'd just book the holiday as is, and maybe try and make an occasional effort to reach out (though I'm sure you do already) to her without the rest of your family in tow. It might be that she's thoroughly intimidated by the prospect of being outnumbered by seven to one!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 30/05/2011 15:03

Oh bless her! Must admit it is quite a funny excuse, must try that one next time I dont want to do something.

Have they been together long? Imagine the wedding day if they ever get married!

TheMonster · 30/05/2011 15:06

That's hilarious!
Don't change the dates. Chances are, if you do, her period dates will change.
She hardly sounds like fin to be on holiday with anyway.

scarletfingernail · 30/05/2011 15:21

You could pretend to change the dates just to panic her, it could be fun to find out what hilarious excuse that would produce

On the other hand, have you considered that maybe she has told your brother that she doesn't want to go on holiday with his family? And that the period thing is something he's made up as an excuse without her knowing? It seems a very odd excuse for a woman to come up with and as someone else said earlier, if she's that shy and it is genuinely her reason (!) surely she wouldn't want all of her boyfriend's family to know that?

There's shyness and there's rudeness and the way you've described her she seems rude to me. I'd rather go on holiday without her anyway so don't change the date.

springbokscantjump · 30/05/2011 15:26

Oh bless that is the most outlandish excuse! That's a real panicked spur of the moment excuse. Go on be the meanie and tell db that you can't change the dates so she can breathe easy.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 30/05/2011 16:12

scarlet I thought that! OP could keep the same dates but tell her bro and his gf that they have changed them and see what excuse she comes up with, infact you could keep going and see how many excuses she can come up with!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2011 16:23

I'd feel very sorry for my DB if they were shackled to a sociopath. In fact, I'd probably rearrange the holiday deliberately so she could come along.... and then organise plenty of silly games that require full-on interaction!!! "Passing the balloon between the knees! You're up first Bev! It's OK everyone, Bev's period was last week...!" etc.

plupervert · 30/05/2011 16:44

I agree with thumb - she might be thinking of a way to get out of more than the holiday... I had the same dilemma about how to get out of a work trip when I was in the early stages of pregnancy, but came up with a better excuse than her! (and also left the job! ).

BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 16:48

oh i would be sorely tempted to tell her we have cancelled the booking and she can choose a date that suits her!!

but in reality i would just tell her i was sorry she couldn't join us.

but really though, why does being on your period mean you can't go on holiday?? this isn't teh middle ages where women must be shunned during their period is it?

plupervert · 30/05/2011 16:56

It just sounds desperate, and probably the best thing to do is not to call attention to it, or she might be driven to blurt out ever more embarrassing "excuses", which make her feel more and more uncomfortable with the family. She must be blushing period-red at her first excuse - don't force her to make another excuse!

ScrotalPantomime · 30/05/2011 17:00

Ahahahahaha hilarious. Bless that Bev.

WhoAteMySnickers · 30/05/2011 17:10

Poor girl. Sounds like she either suffers from horrendous social anxiety or really doesn't like spending time with you all.

Keep the booking as it is and let them know they're welcome to change their minds.

paddypoopants · 30/05/2011 17:16

I'm sorry but this is truly hilarious. If she's so shy why on earth does she want you all talking about her menstrual cycle? I'm afraid you've provided me with my new favourite euphemism for my period as in 'Sorry I can't come to the pictures I'm got my Bev.'

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