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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that people shouldn't post congratulations and details of birth on facebook before the mum has even left hospital?

59 replies

CrapBag · 29/05/2011 21:26

Friend of mine has just had a baby. She texted us all to tell us the details to which I texted back. I have gone onto Facebook and some of our friends have written messages to her on there about the baby, sex and the name.

What if she hasn't had chance to tell everyone or some people may not have checked their phones yet or something but its already posted on my friends page where she won't see it anyway until she comes home and gets around to going on the computer.

My sister posted the picture that I texted her of DD to her facebook page immediately after the birth. She didn't think but my DH was not impressed. He hadn't even been home and had chance to tell everyone himself but half of my family had already seen DD's picture by then.

AIBU to think that people need to not put things on social networking sites before the person has even left the hospital?

OP posts:
smokinaces · 29/05/2011 21:57

Yes Tatty, he's not allowed in - but baby will be brought out of theatre and handed to him to care for whilst his girlfriend is being stitched up/recovering.

I think she asked out of excitement (they're close) and didnt quite realise that by asking that she would get to see baby before Mum. (until we pointed it out with rather shocked faces!) I hope it was just an oversight anyway!!

TattyDevine · 29/05/2011 21:59

Of course, people just get excited.

Its sweet, most people dont mean anything by it...

TigerseyeMum · 29/05/2011 22:00

YANBU. If anyone I know has any sensitive news it generally gets commented on in a very roundabout way so that those in the know understand and those that don't can't guess.

At best that is what should happen, if anything is said at all.

Posting all the ins and outs just steals someone's thunder and that's just not fair.

Original poster
CrapBag · 29/05/2011 22:02

I know Tiger.

I know some people see it as 'PFB' but I would be pissed off if people had been writing the sex and name of the baby all over facebook a couple of hours after I had had it. It is something for the parents to announce and nobody else.

OP posts:
lazylula · 29/05/2011 22:26

I had a planned section so the day before I went in I put a status up asking people to refrain from posting any details until dh and I had announced it on there. I did this after seeing what you have said in the op and we had a lot of family to tell first. Thankfully everyone did as we asked.

AnnoniMouse · 29/05/2011 23:44

When I had my ds2 nobody dared mention it, and so put 'Wow, can't believe it. Such a shock for X and Y' which was more irritating.

Just put it or don't, there is absolutely no point in half congratulating someone.

humanoctopus · 29/05/2011 23:51

I don't think that its unreasonable for someone to post congratulations, etc on fb or whatever.

Its not private once you've sent out texts/mobile pics.

MmeLindor. · 30/05/2011 00:01

YANBU

In the case of happy announcements or sad ones, I always wait until the person posts themself before offering congratulations or condolences. When my uncle died, there were posts on FB before all the family had been informed.

My cousin's baby announcement was made via the FB of her sister.

frantic51 · 30/05/2011 00:19

I certainly don't think anyone should post on a social networking site until the parents had announced the birth, that's just rude. But I got into real trouble with my sister after my niece had her first baby. My sister rang round and told the family, including our elderly and very sick mother, then my niece's dh posted on facebook with a photo of the new arrival.

My sister was at my niece's to help out for the first few days and I was going to visit our mum so I printed off a copy of the facebook photo to take to cheer her up. (She had cancer, was in a lot of pain and died just four months later).

I didn't stop to think beyond giving mum pleasure but my sister rang me a couple of days later and really tore me off a strip, accused me of acting as though he was my grandchild. Of course I apologised profusely, said I was only thinking of cheering mum up and the thought just never crossed my mind that she would be upset, she had the pleasure of breaking the good news, loads of other people had, of course, seen the photo on facebook and he was mum's first great grandchild after all. I apologised over and over again and was practically in tears when I came off the phone, I really hadn't meant any harm and would have done anything to turn the clock back. She didn't speak to me for a couple of weeks and when I was finally invited to go and see the baby, I didn't dare ask for a cuddle in case I set her off again! :(

sleepywombat · 30/05/2011 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 30/05/2011 00:34

I think I might be the only person in the world who has managed to make it through a whole pg without a single mention of it on my FB! I must have unusually sensitive friends, DH hasnt had any either :o

We will be asking people not to put anything on FB after the birth until we have but that is mainly due to DH family issues that we need to deal with before the big general announcement.

OOH I would be annoyed but OTOH I wouldnt be texting people who I know live their lives on FB, as some people seem to think that any news is fair game. SAd but true.

thelittlestkiwi · 30/05/2011 00:53

YABU. We live overseas and FB is a fab way for our friends all over the world to stay in touch. And I was in hospital for 5 days. I came out to see lots of lovely messages.

But YANBU that parents should get to do the first announcement. I wouldn't dream of posting someone else's photo's or any comments till they had put it on FB.

5DollarShake · 30/05/2011 01:01

Srsly - if you're on FB and putting your private life out there in public, you can't really complain.

It wouldn't bother. Didn't bother me, I should say. People posted congrats messages on my page when DD arrived before I'd announced it on FB, but then I didn't see the announcement on FB as any big deal. Everyone who mattered had already been notified personally by then anyway.

People take Facebook way too seriously.

Kiwiinkits · 30/05/2011 01:37

It's the height of poor manners not to wait for the parents to post first. I get SO mad when I see other people posting their congratulations etc on others' walls before the new parents have had a chance to do it themselves. It's one of my pet hates I suppose.

AlmightyCitrus · 30/05/2011 02:08

YANBU.

When I discovered I was pregnant with DC4 it was a bit of a shock. I told my best friend who I thought would give me a bit of hand-holding support, but instead she was chomping at the bit to tell all and sundry. I know she told her mum, and I'd not even told mine or my other DC's.

When I got the all clear from the amnio I said I'd prefer to tell our mutual friends, but she went out of her way to ring and text people before I did. I ended up mightily miffed and we had quite a falling out. Didn't stop her telling all sorts of random people though. Angry

DC4 is still about 4 weeks away. After the birth we will contact my mother, DC's, BIL, and DH's distant auntie. None of whom use facebook.

Friend will find out the details at the same time as everyone else, when I put them on facebook. None facebook using friends will get a text/call at the same time.

Still annoyed.

MistressFrankly · 30/05/2011 02:21

almightycitrus sympathies! I had my pregnancy announced on bloody facebook! I was less than 3 months, was terrified of losing baby as had had a miscarriage before and OH brother announced it on FB - which i am not on and had told OH i did not want any details of mine or my babies life on it.

Was LIVID. Then said brother was angry that we shouted at him so told the world that OH was ashamed of baby and thats why it was a secret!! Cue onslaught of questions from friends, acquaintances and general nosey fuckers. Over 100 phonecalls in one night! Me and OH were so upset. Hate hate hate facebook! Im not even on it and it invades my private life. It makes people feel they have the right to know everything.

SockShitter · 30/05/2011 03:39

If you don't want people to do this then stipulate when u send a text or don't send photos

Um no.. I don't have to give out a list of rules covering everything you aren't supposed to do anyway that's ridiculous.

frantic51 your sister sounds crazy..it wasn't like it was her baby! Bet she is one of the nightmare mums who take over you read about on mumsnet.
Very sorry about your mum. x

mistrees frankly that's horrible!

OP yanbu

troisgarcons · 30/05/2011 06:52

Over reaction, sorry but it is!

What is the difference betweens todays online media and word of mouth? Should I have been irate and up in arms because my MIL showed the neighbours a polaroid of my son before we were discharged from hospital? Should I have been upset that the 'congratulations' cards were waiting for me/us? Should I have castigated my husband for phoning round the family?

boolifooli · 30/05/2011 07:27

Well said troisgarcons.

nurseysclone · 30/05/2011 07:39

That's just bad etiquette. Though it's far worse to post a pic of the baby coming out during a C-section and post it on facebook. I kid you not..

NSFW/Not for the faint of heart-

stfuparents.tumblr.com/post/1449859292/halloween-10-its-been-real-annnnd-there-you

Yummygummybear · 30/05/2011 09:23

YANBU.

My SIL immediately posted photos of my DD on FB that DH had text to her while I was in recovery before we had even had the chance to tell everybody!
DH doesn't use FB & therefore didn't even think to say 'don't put these photos on FB'. He also wasn't aware that his sis is on FB all day long & talks to all her family (who live with her) via FB Confused

2rebecca · 30/05/2011 09:40

Thankfully no facebook when I had the kids but if having a baby today I would be telling anyone coming to the hospital/ home and photoing baby that they needed my permission to put the photos on the internet or email them to people. Showing the actual photo to a few folk at work is fine.
I also think for some people it's their moment of proxy glory which irritates me. It isn't their news, let the parents tell people.

TigerseyeMum · 30/05/2011 10:04

Don't forget that once a photo is on FB it is out in the public domain for ever. That should be the choice of the parents, not a friend (of a friend of a friend...)

This often seems to be a slightly overlooked fact. Some people may not want their child's full details in the public domain forever eg 'Welcome baby XY, born on XX/XX/XX weighing XX, bouncing son/daughter/whatever of Mr and Mrs XY'

Parents' perogative, not the decision of anyone who can't keep their gob shut on the internet.

TigerseyeMum · 30/05/2011 10:06

Also, WRT it being the same as other spreading the news by word of mouth, well, that can be upsetting too. When my sister gave birth my Mum rang the whole family to tell them under the guise of 'being worried about her health' and everyone was worried sick.

My sister was furious when she came out of hospital because she was looking forward to spreading the happy news and instead got lods of people ringing her going 'OMG I heard the news, how awful for you, are you ok???'

It's parents' news, to deal with as they wish.

kaid100 · 30/05/2011 10:19

Well in our case, DW and I had discussed it. She'd given me her password and I put some photos of the twins on her Facebook. Many people commented on them, and she was able to look at the comments from the rubbishy flat Web PCs they have above the hospital beds. For her, it kept her in touch with the outside world during the 5-6 days she and the babies were in hospital.