AIBU?
Gooseberrybushes · 29/05/2011 00:07
I would do it, just for a day, see what happens 
Here's my take: I don't know whether it's rude to look or not to look, I get confused. I don't know whether not looking is construed as making someone invisible, and looking would be staring and making uncomfortable.
But then, that's my confusion, and not the responsibility of the parent or person in the chair.
MavisEnderby · 29/05/2011 00:10
I would much rather people asked me questions if it was in a situation where we were together for a period,ie on a bus/train or something.Its just when someone stares and stares.Ususally I try to fix them with a very bright smile and make eye contact.grr just a bad day i think!!!
Gooseberrybushes · 29/05/2011 00:13
ok I'll take a bit of advice action here from experienced people
I'm a grown up, I know not to stare
however
with adults in wheelchairs with pushers I will say excuse me (etc whatever) to the person in the chair first and then the pusher, is this rude, right, wrong, patronising etc
with children I wouldn't really look I suppose, at all
am I doing the right thing
whatever17 · 29/05/2011 00:17
I always smile at the wheelchair user and the carer but I don't know if that is the right thing to do.
Does it seem like I am smiling at them only because they are in a wheelchair. Really my smile is just to say "hello" but sometimes I feel awkward.
Also, if the child is verbal and engaging me at all I would make a genuine effort to be responsive. I would with any kid really who chats to me.
Vallhala · 29/05/2011 00:18
I don't know if I handled it completely in the wrong way but I recall DD1, at about 3, asking why the lady was in a pushchair and why she had had no legs. Right in front of the lady. 
Ground, open up now!
I was lost, no experience so went for completely honest. Explained to DD1 that the lady was poorly, that she may have always been poorly or may have had an accident as a grown-up but either way it was rude to ask just as it would be rude for the lady to ask why DD has blonde hair and not black.
The lady was a gem. She smiled at us, said "Don't worry darling, children WILL be curious" and went on to tell DD that she had been made poorly some years before and that was why she was now as she was. DD was polite and seemed, in her 3 year old way, to be understanding, the lady made ME feel at ease and DD never asked or looked likely to distress a disabled person again.
I owe that generous lady a heck of a lot.
WillyBumBalls · 29/05/2011 00:18
YANBU I have a friend in a wheelchair and notice people staring all the time.
I do get a bit confused though as thankfully my son almost 5 does'nt seem to notice or atleast does'nt mention disabilities but if he did I am not quite sure how I would deal with it as in my head I think well if you want to know ask but then that would be drawing attention and bothering someone because of their disability. At the same time though I hate the thought of giving a stiupid explanation and the person thinking that I am completely ignorant toward it.
MavisEnderby · 29/05/2011 00:20
I think itsa the real gawpers that get to me.The people who have a quick glance,analyse the situation and think oh hey,person in wheelchair,fine,those that engage in conversation,again,fine,its pleasant people show an interest,but its those that stare,and stare and stare and believe me it happens.fgs surely a wheelchair isn't that bizarre?
ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 29/05/2011 00:21
Does she get the pats on the head too ??
My nephew is a wheelchair user (which he also has a habit of breaking out of and sprinting off in some kind of little Britain type sketch ) He isn't physically disabled in anyway but does have severe autism so he's in there for safetys sake. Anyways on holiday last week people kept patting him on the head, WTF is that all about ??!
Gooseberrybushes · 29/05/2011 00:22
Val it's v much outside my experience and want to do the "right thing" but then I suppose everybody's different and the right thing for one person might be upsetting for another.
Actually I suppose even my question pre-supposes that everyone with a disability is "the same" and will react the same way. So \i've already lost points.
Intentions good, delivery poor I guess in my case.
MavisEnderby · 29/05/2011 00:25
Oh and Valhalla had similar situation before dd was born with ds,"Mummy"why has that man got only one arm?"The bloke was LOL at him,then gave him a blow by blow child friendly account of why he needed amputation!!(he was lovely)
Children tell it like it is,I have had several children question me about dd,they are being naturally curious.
Its just adults who should know better really.
Vallhala · 29/05/2011 00:29
Me too, Gooseberry, I think we got "lucky" in meeting a disabled lady who was understanding of a child's curiosity, It could so easily have gone wrong and the wheelchair-bound person could have been offended by my attempts at handling the situation.
I don't in any way recommend what I did, am just explaining what happened and the outcome. I'd have been mortified if I had offended.
One thing I do make an effort to do is speak to the PERSON IN THE CHAIR not just the carer. For example, if I step back in a supermarket and nearly crash into a person in a wheelchair, my smile and apology is to THEM and then the carer.
It DOES make me feel awkward as I have no experience of the wheelchair-bound but as others have said, that is MY problem, not theirs. Would be grateful for advice.
Punkatheart · 29/05/2011 00:30
My late father was a paraplegic and the worst thing was people talking to my mother, not him. Old ladies would say 'How are his bowels, dear?' as if he was mentally impaired as well. It certainly taught me a different world going out and about with him.....just how stupid and actually sometimes cruel people could be...
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