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To suddenly be hit with the realisation that my weight has impacted my life and that of my DC?

38 replies

WeepinWillow · 28/05/2011 16:21 a big way.

My life is crap right now. Financially and emotionally but worse of all my DDs are having a lot of problems which i feel helpless about although i try very hard to guide them through it all and look after them and hide my despair from them. Oldest is an adult, youngest nearly 15.

Everything was so different up until 12 years ago. I was happy and healthy and secure. Skinny child, slim adult but didnt think much about it and certainly never high maintenance in looks dept. Married first boyfriend and was happily married for 15 years until i started to put on weight. It was gradual but after 2nd DD very noticeably larger. I just seemed to lose control and food obsessions were extreme. Dont really know why. H would try to drop subtle and not so subtle hints - worse one being that he doesnt find large women sexually attractive!

Eventually he left me and i just got bigger and bigger...

Till we get to today i am now grossly obese at 18 stone and lead half a life. I work but mostly avoid eye contact with people and as large as i am if i do speak to someone i seem to be invisible as i get nothing back!

I am barely paying the bills and dont know how much longer i can pay my mortgage. Ex is leading happy life with the skinny woman he thinks he deserves (he is a fitness fanatic as is she). My DD have both had bullying and relationship issues with low self esteem and some counselling. I am never negative about their dad and they still see him but he is very distant and not particularly interested in them if i am honest.

It hit me today like a ton of bricks that if i had stayed slim and fit, he probably wouldnt have left me as he did struggle with it for years, i would have been financially secure and able to offer a better life to my DD but most of all they wouldnt have all these insecurities that the divorce and my depression has passed onto them. AIBU to take full responsibility for my own life and the impact my greed and lack of control has had on my DDs? Maybe thats what been missing, i havent taken responsibility before and have happily put myself as the victim in my sorrowful tale?!!

OP posts:
TheMitfordsMaid · 28/05/2011 17:25

Just wanted to ask whether you are taking metformin if you have PCOS? it won't make you lose weight without diet changes but it does help by helping with blood sugar maintenance. You know this I'm sure but PCOS can lead to diabetes so you really ought to get cracking on getting your weight down.

I lost around 4 stone by following a very strict diet (mainly low GI) and by exercising. I run 3 times a week, do exercise DVDz, swim, power walk, anything really to stop me getting bored of it.

You are well rid of your DH. He didn't leave you because of your weight, not really.

BoffyMefferson · 28/05/2011 17:26

YY To all the good advice above this op. You sound like a quite emotionally intelligent person, so this book might also be good for you: "Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating" by Gillian Riley. It is quite sympathetic and explores why perfectly intelligent, informed women overeat.

I am on the path too, but it is early days: I have lost 6 pounds so far in 2-3 weeks (taking it slow at the moment as it is a long road) after posting on MN under another name.

My heart goes out to you, good luck with your journey and it is a journey. You sound like you have just taken the first step.

WeepinWillow · 28/05/2011 17:34

you are all amazing! it does sound superficial when i think about and i think if i am honest i knew he stopped loving a long time after i stopped being the 18 year old he wanted me to still be. I was a child when he met me and he was 7 years older. I have never been with any other man and thought we were on the same wavelength.

I accepted a long time ago that it was over but my life has stalled. He is very heartless about a lot of things now and I do not confront him as he is a bully and our DDs get v upset on my behalf.

I have brought them up to be kind, caring, and not judgemental. They have both had bad experiences with what they call the mean girls, the ones that are only interested in looks, but they know there are far more important things in this world. I know a slimmer mum will not miraculously help them get through this tough old life but if i am more confident and can learn to stand up to their dad in particular we can only be a stronger unit.

I am so determined to do something positive now! Thank you..

OP posts:
WeepinWillow · 28/05/2011 17:42

TheMitfordsMaid - yes i have tried metformin in the past but that was around the time i discovered he was having an affair so i gave up in every way. God realise how pathetic that sounds!

l am researching all these links and recommendations now thank you! And just put a reminder on my phone to make a drs appointment next week - otherwise another week passes and i have done nothing about it...

OP posts:
shortround · 28/05/2011 17:47

I agree with what all the others have said, please dont blame youerself for your ex for having left you. It was nothing to do with your weight, he would probably of found another shollow scum bag reason. you are 100 times better without someone like that in your life, even if it doesnt feel that way right now.

your financial issues are something seperate.

I just wanted to send you a hug, day 1 of the new you starts today. xxxx

purplepidjin · 28/05/2011 17:52

All good advice above but I'll add my 2 penn'orth

You can do a lot for both your purse and bodyshape by shopping sensibly. Plan your meals each week and only buy what you need - fruit veg meat pasta potatoes. Cooking from scratch burns calories much better than microwaving! if you need crisps/chocolate/biscuits that much, walk a minimum of 3 miles to the shop to buy it, otherwise be strict - do it online if that helps you keep control. Tired and hungry after work is not going to help you be sensible

Drink a glass of water before each meal, it'll help you feel full and loads of people (like me) mistake thirst for hunger

Lastly, challenge yourself to have as few ingredients as possible in each meal. Ready made pasta meals for example have all kinds of chemicals and preservatives in that yhe same thing made fresh won't.

BelleDameSansMerci · 28/05/2011 17:52

WW that doesn't sound at all pathetic to me. You sound like you had a natural reaction to a shit situation.

I can't add any advice on top of what's already been given (particularly Custardo's opening sentence!) but you know what to do!

bibbitybobbityhat · 28/05/2011 18:01

I am sorry you are feeling so depressed.

Please please forget about your ex and what might have been. The most dreadful impact my parent's divorce had on my life (age 10) was having to live with a mother who was not able to "let go".

Life moves on. You can move on. One of the VERY best self help treatments for depression is exercise. Buy a pedometer and start a walking programme (there are plenty online). In itself this will not make you lose weight, but I guarantee it will make you feel a hell of a lot better about yourself.

Good luck to you op, I really am sorry to read such a self critical post.

MainlyMaynie · 28/05/2011 18:59

As everyone has said, your weight is not to blame for everything in your life. It is one thing you can take control of, as a step to making yourself feel better, and nothing more. You are better off without your ex and a decent man will love you for things other than how thin you are.

I lost 4 stone last year following South Beach (a form of low GI diet), which is really recommended for people with PCOS. It's definitely worth you looking into.

fluffy123 · 28/05/2011 20:45

I have put on a lot of weight over the past 16 years that I have been with my husband. Six weeks ago he told me he didn't find me attractive and compoared me to lots of my friends who are much slimmer. I haven't eaten cakes, chocs, sweets, crisps, ice-cream, biscuits or sweets since then . I will get rid of some of this weight and then I am kicking him out. I hate his guts. Nobody has the right to make someone feel bad about themselves. I hope you can turn your life around , you deserve someone better than your ex husband.

MonstaMunch · 28/05/2011 20:54

my sons gf is low carbing and she has lost loads

it doesnt suit me so i am doing weightwatchers and doing well on that

I think you have to be in the right frame of mind to succeed on any healthy eating though

CoteDAzur · 28/05/2011 21:26

I don't know if YABU or YANBU, but I wanted to repeat what squeaky said:

"You cant turn back time, but you can turn your life around, at any time you want to"

foreverondiet · 28/05/2011 23:31

I think he was a bit superficial if he left you because you were fat, and didn't try and help you overcome your food obsessions. I would think it fair enough if my DH didn't find fat woman sexually attractive but not acceptable if he didn't help me deal with it in my hour of need. So yes there is a possibility he would have stayed with you if you'd stayed thin and you'd never have known that he wasn't prepared to stick around if you were fat.

18 stone is overweight but you can turn it around if you want. Find a new way of eating and exercise that works for you, and it will come off. Weight loss is long slow and boring but as your body shape changes your confidence will improve.

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