I just want a sodding job - i just NEED a sodding job. Have i really screwed up by being a SAHM for five years?
I got pregnant at the end of my PhD, for one reason and another i was a SAHM until DD started school. She is in year one now and ive been seriously looking for a job for over a year now. Whilst she was in reception i felt i needed to help her settle. We really REALLY need the money.
I apply for jobs every day, mostly shitty admin jobs that pay pants money - not that i mind the shitty admin job, or the pants money but it puts a knot in my stomach because i have no one to help with childcare in the holidays and after school so will probably pay out more in childcare than i earn at this rate. I had a job as a cover supervisor in a really tough school, coudlnt handle it and only stayed 6 weeks, it was six weeks of hell but i berate myself all the time for not sticking it out. I niavely thought something else would come along.
Im an intelligent, capable woman but i don't seem to be able to get this across to people.
I am currently volunteering in my old university lab, but there is categorically no chance of this converting into paid work as the department is a hairs breath from closing down, but im going crazy at home all day. This is a positive step, isn't it? or am i wasting my time? time and money? Bus fair, food while im there (i take sarnies, but still) - i can't claim expenses, it has been made clear to me there is no money.
I live in the south east of england so am now competing with thousands of science redunantees (is that even a word) from pfizer - in fact, lost out on a GTP position to a pfizer employee :-(
My elder daughter recently went for a minimum wage, job at a really shabby play centre, just in the cafe, there were 103 applicants ffs!!
I hate myself for not contributing financially, i feel guilty for doing the volunteer stuff, my DP struggling with his business (works all the hours god sends just to keep our heads above water and we arent really managing that) and i go and "play scientist" He tells me its ok, but i know he thinks i should just get a cleaning job - which i would, i really would but how could i ever make that work with childcare in the holidays. Also, and this is really vain, but i worked bloody hard to get my PhD, i left school with no qualifications and slogged at university and college for nigh on ten years whilst raising my eldest DD. I had my parents to help with her.
Sorry this is a long rambling whinge but im running out of ideas, and hope :(