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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

discovered husband on dating website!!

43 replies

lillybeebee · 27/05/2011 09:55

We have actually seperated (less than 2 months ago) he is still in the house for the next few weeks.

It was all amicable.. etc - been together over 15 years, got kids.. etc

But he keeps sitting in the lounge on his phone chatting to women !!

I think it is totally disrespectful and he should wait until he moves out to do stuff like that !!

What do you all think??

He thinks he is doing nothing wrong, but under my nose doing it !! Out of order I think !!

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 27/05/2011 10:30

Op who inisiated the split? How did it come about?

I think he is only doing it because he does not want to split and this is his cack handed way of trying to get you jelous.

Also solicitors advise people to not move out (abit of a tactic, does he want to stay in the house and for you to move out?).

You cannot physically make him leave. Infact you could both live there wanting each other out the house and will essentially become a battle of wills.

Good luck.

Original poster

lillybeebee · 27/05/2011 10:33

I just lost the plot and asked him to leave last night - I am not going to go drastic and enforce that - he can stay here until he gets his place.

I won't stoop to his level for the sake of my kids either.

Once he is gone, he can do what he likes !

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 27/05/2011 10:35

Op you cannot make him leave if he does not want to. You can ask but he does not have to. (that is assuming that it is join owned house or joint rented house).

Speak to a solicitor for the best course of action.

taylor74 · 27/05/2011 10:40

I think OP he's winding you up to get a reaction. I join one if I was you just to piss him off and see how he likes it. Chances are he will soon be off that site.

bubblecoral · 27/05/2011 10:41

You obviously do care about it, whether he does it in the room with you or not is irrelevant. Would you be so bothered if he was looking at a sports website or something?

Where he does it makes no difference. If your marriage is over, it's over. I agree he should not ignore the children, but again, he could just as easily do that if he were checking the football results (or whatever else he's in to)

I think who instigated the split does make a difference here, you seem to be avoiding that question. Even if it was a mutual descision, two people never feel exactly the same way abut things when a marriage ends.

Original poster

lillybeebee · 27/05/2011 10:42

haha!!

It's actually laughable really !!

I don't need solicitors, I am not like that - all I ask is that he shows a bit of respect and doesn't do it under my nose.

I just wondered if you all thought that was reasonable enough?

OP posts:

Original poster

lillybeebee · 27/05/2011 10:44

I wasn't avoiding answering it - we both knew it was coming - have just grown apart. It was a simple heated discussion one evening where he went out taking the pee again.

I was annoyed with him, so he just said OK, lets just do it, lets get this over with. We have been here before, I just followed through this time.

OP posts:

taylor74 · 27/05/2011 10:45

Lilly YNBU you still live together with children he should show more respect. Yes he's single but still a father and needs to act like one. What he said about all this?

Original poster

lillybeebee · 27/05/2011 10:58

Can't see what he is doing wrong - in principle it's ok because yes, he is single now.

I obviously have more morals than he does ! Just want him not to do it in front of me and the kids in the same room. I don't think that is a lot to ask.

Never mind... life goes on - there is worse in the world !!

OP posts:

NetworkGuy · 27/05/2011 11:15

I can understand "our eldest was trying to talk to him and asked me what he was doing on his phone and why he wasnt listening to her!" getting you annoyed - that's unfair of him and a bad characteristic (but presumably part of his self, self, self thinking so something unpleasant but that the DC may need to acknowledge if he forgets birthdays and so on in the future - just explain he only thinks of 'number 1' and you cannot be accused of lying - he has already proven it to be the case).

I was a bit confused at first over 'chatting' as you meant online chat, while I was having an image of him verbally chatting, as if there was no-one else in the room, and he was flirting with other women, or worse, getting more explicit about what he would like to do (don't know if it might have been SexInTheUK or BeNaughty or somesuch, where personal preferences in bed may be ticked off, everything and anything goes, or so it seems!).

Chatting online - OK, selfish and bad that he ignored your DD but not like talking on the phone, which would be far, far, worse IMO. Sorry, if it had been talking on the phone, would have said to go elsewhere (another room, the garden, upstairs) for private chat, but on a mobile not sure...

But using the mobile you have been paying for... now that was slapping you in the face in no uncertain terms... and glad you won't be paying for it in future.

Animation · 27/05/2011 11:28

Definately sounds like he's winding you up - probably because he's angry at you for splitting with him- and yes, he's also probably trying to make you jealous.

If he really wanted out - he'd be gone by now, and not be telling you that you can't have men in the house.

I'm surprised you can't see it - but it's hard to be objective when you're in it.

This is your punishment!

lovemyskinnyjeans · 27/05/2011 12:24

When I separated with my ex we had a similar situation - we had to live in the same house for finaicial reasons.

He used to bring dates home with him to try to upset me!

I'd moved on and used to find it a bit pathetic (offered the poor girls a cup of tea on a few occasions as they were clearly unaware and chronically embarrased!)

He's definately just trying to wind you up, probabaly because he's more upset about the separation than he feels able to communicate to you...

VivaLeBeaver · 27/05/2011 12:27

Doesn't sound reasonable to me and he probably is trying to do it to wind him up. Next time he's on it wonder over and offer him some advice, "she looks nice, what about that one, etc"

niceguy2 · 27/05/2011 12:28

Sorry but in the grandscale of things it's quite petty and to be blunt you will have bigger fights to come.

You've seperated. He can do what he likes. He didn't waft it under your nose. You found out from a friend.

The more important thing is to seperate anything he can run up debts for in your name, like your credit card, any joint accounts etc.

Animation · 27/05/2011 12:58

I like Viva's idea to offer advice and say who "looks nice."

If it IS a strategy to wind you up and it's CLEARLY not working, he might try something else.

Niceguy's got a point - watch your finances!

Original poster

lillybeebee · 27/05/2011 14:07

No way am I going to start the she looks nice stuff.. I am just not interested.
I just don't think it's right he is on it while sitting on a chair next to me.

I will be taking advice on the finances now - This has almost done me a favour and given me a wake up call on the situation !

OP posts:

TheLadyEvenstar · 30/05/2011 10:51

Lilly, but he is single. Yes in the marital home still but he is talking to women online not bringing them home. He is free to do as he chooses. You may not like it but unfortunatly there is not a lot you can do about it.

You are just going to have to ride out the storm until such time he moves out.

But in all honesty he isn't actually doing anything wrong - except he ignored your eldest.

gillybean2 · 30/05/2011 10:58

He should be doing his own cooking and washing. Otherwise you aren't technically separated.
If you are in teh same house but separate he shoudl have his own cupboard for food, his own room, and do his own cooking/cleaning and have pre arranged times when he is rsponisble for the dc (ie school pick ups and taking out/contact etc).
If you were claiming WTC/CTC as a single/separated parent now that is what you need to be doing (don't know if you are claiming). But start as you mean to go on!

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