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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to arrange DS (4) friendships

11 replies

Smokedsalmonbagel · 26/05/2011 22:41

My DS (4) and I meet up every week with friends - a 4 year old boy and girl.
The other boy and girl have always been really close and DS quite often would play on his own while they play together. This was OK a year ago as my DS was really shy but now he is getting more confident and wants to join in and they often tell him he can't and run away.

Today we went to a soft play. DS had a lovely time but on the way home he asked why the other 2 kept running away from him. I hadn't really noticed until he said as they were all over the soft play. He said the 2 friends loved each other and don't love him! He said he felt sad.

I know the other children don't mean it and prob thought it was funny but I'm not sure where to go with the friendship. When DS is with just one of the children they get on great. I am wondering if it will cause tension with the other mums if I say I'd rather meet up on an individual basis. Or is it something DS needs to get use to and should learn to deal with.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 26/05/2011 22:44

Awww what a shame

I think now you've had it brought to your attention, could you not point it out tactfully to the other Mums? I mean if you didn't notice then the chances are they might not have either.

They might then encourage their kids not to do it.

AgentZigzag · 26/05/2011 22:48

I would tend to leave them to their own devices unless it's really making him unhappy, which you've said it is.

Have you talked to your DS about how it makes him feel and why they might be doing it?

I can't see any problems if you saw just the one friend, why do you think it'd cause tensions?

Surely they wouldn't expect you to have both round every time.

Original poster

Smokedsalmonbagel · 26/05/2011 23:02

He said it made him sad but still had a good day. We talked about a reason and we just said they were being silly. Unfortunately the girl copies everything the other boy does.

We all meet up once a week at each other houses and have done for at least a year. It would mean having to stop this which I am not sure is best option or not. Although in September they will be starting different schools so it will come to a natural stop.

I think their mums like them being best friends. Which is sort of cute. They have noticed their behaviour towards my DS before but it does continue. I thought soft play would be Ok but I guess not.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 26/05/2011 23:06

Do they not say 'that's not nice' or anything like that to their kids?

You're right though, September is bound to change everything.

lilasimpson · 26/05/2011 23:09

hi smoked, it sounds similar to my situation...my 4y old has had the same thinh. He gets on very well with 2 kids in his class but when they are the three of them, they completely ignore him, even worse, because my ds wants so much to play with them, he bothered one of them and kept asking:play with me, the other guy hit my son. Another time, when my son played with another boy, the boy who had hit my son hit him once more because my son was not playing with him...he got hit a third time by that same boy for a reason i cant remember...anyway, it happens that this little boy who hit my son has various other problems such as speech issues...he is an only child and his mum is overpritective...i initially got on very well with her as she was bubbly but slowly realised that she was offended by any little thing and found an issue with everyone and everything, so her son was always the victim...however, the first time her son hit mine, she texted me to apologized, which i appreciated greatly. afterwards, second time round i tought i shouldnt involve the mum a she seems overly worried for everything and then decided to tell that little boy nicely he should not hit my son or i would need to tell him mum. a few days later, i found out he hit my son again!! so i got involved and told v kindly to the mum that my son got hit again...she was shocked and we discussed on how to improve it...in the evening i found out she told anoter mum i was very upset about it...i thought myself the conversation had gone welll....anyway, sorry about the rambling but to cut the story short, since that day, she has been avoiding me and worse, she seems to have campaigned against me when talking to other mums. she has no other kids so always stays around after drop off and goes to coffee mornings,,,....it seems now that some mums have become cold to me and evn turned down invitiations for playdates...i tried to always say goodmorning, she replies but never goes further...recently have invited her ds to ds birthday, did not come,though she said that would ok but texted me to say she has guests...and mentioned that i would be relieved anyway that her son would not be there....she seems to have all the boys in the class every day for playdates lately...don't know what i should do...i regret having talked to the mum as our relationship has gone bad now but the kids's is better...now i don't know whether i should attack back with the gossips or not....i need advice too..

AgentZigzag · 26/05/2011 23:17

Wow, biiig chunk of writing there lila

Original poster

Smokedsalmonbagel · 26/05/2011 23:18

Gosh! It doesn't get any easier does it.
Was this all recently? I am a great believer that nasty people get found out in the end.
It does make me think twice about speaking to the other mums. Maybe I should ride it out to September, making the odd excuse here and there.

OP posts:

lilasimpson · 26/05/2011 23:25

it does make me feel sad actually...but i think what i would get out of this is that i shouldnt talk about to the other mum when there is a problem as good adults relationship is difficult to keep, unlike kiddies's, as they mature...once you have fallen out with an adult, it is forever....sorry for the chunk writing, i'm in a middle of something, write in a rush...
yes this has happened jjust before easter and it seems to get worse...

redpanda13 · 27/05/2011 01:00

No I would go for the individual play. My DD (5) has an extremely close friend that she has had since nursery. Lately she started asking for a girl in her class to come over to play. I arranged it all separately. I knew her school friend would get left out over her nursery despite me talking to her. This does not mean she likes her school friend any less.An older child would understand. The old saying 'threes a crowd'
As a parent I wouldnt be insulted

Original poster

Smokedsalmonbagel · 27/05/2011 09:28

Thanks redpanda. Now I've slept on it I think thats the way to go. It is still niggling at me this morning.

I guess I need to do it face to face. I am such an impatient person and part of me just wants to send a text this morning but I know thats not right.

OP posts:

MovingAndScared · 27/05/2011 09:43

hi - are the mum's particularly good friends with you ie are you planning to keep the friendships up-
I have had this issue a couple of times -but it was my child that was doing the leaving out - I spoke to him and we changed the dynamics round -did different things, invited other children along etc and it was ok - so maybe there are things you can do - I would approach it something like - I have noticed that my DS is getting left out is there anything we can do about it - but 3 is a difficult number at times

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