Friend's Birthday Dinner - AIBU

[manicinsomniac]

to not go?

This should be a WWYD really but it's dead in there and I need to make a decision fast.

Background - I have an Eating Disorder and am a very picky eater anyway (think, child type picky!) I have a fear of eating in front of people too

It's one of my best friend's birthdays. On Saturday she is having a meal out She's invited 20+ people so there is a very restrictive set menu.

I kind of like one of the mains but it's high calorie and I'm freaking out about it. I hate all the starters and desserts. But you have to have 3 courses (or you have to pay for 3 anyway). The cost is over £30 per head. Now, I would just suck it up, pay anyway, skip starter and desserts and eat the main.

But she's paying! Over £30!! For 22 people. Plus paying for all the drinks!!!

I can't let my friend pay for food that I won't eat.

She does know pretty much everything about me and knows the food issues etc.

So my options are:
a) I pretend to be ill and don't go
b) I explain to her that I can't face it
c) I go but say I'm not eating because I had a big late lunch with friends in London
d) I say that I had train problems getting back from London (I am actually going to be there in the daytime so not wholly lying!) and go so late that I just have drinks.
e) I tell her and my other best friend the truth but use d) for everybody else.

I'm leaning towards e) but am getting stupidly stressed about this!

What would you do?

i would explain to my friend, and then show up for drinks. just say you've been to London to everyone else though, no need to say the train was late

I assume you are very close on the basis you have shared your eating disorder information with her. For her to include you she knows she may be 'wasting' £30 - in terms of food consumption (I am sure your company for the evening is worth £30 to her).

However, I feel the issue of wasting money is a red herring. It is all about eating infront of lots of people and more specifically losing control.

Be honest with your friend. Tell her you are sorry but you are not ready to eat out yet.

I hope you have counselling over these issues. You can discuss the situation with your counsellor and she may have coping stratagies for you to use. Perhaps this is just a step too far.

If no counsellor I would just say no and tell the truth.

oh and tell your friend what your cover story will be so she doesn't give out a different one!!

I feel for you, you mention that you have a fear of eating in front of people too, could this mean even the main course could be a struggle? If she is a good friend of course you want to be there but she will also understand. I would go with "e" and then turn up for drinks afterwards when you will be much more happy to socialise and relax, good luck.

Tell her that you will let every one know you have been under the weather. Give your food to someone else. Don't go late you won't have as much fun

Or let her ask if your set course can be exchanged for a salad.

I would be completely honest and explain to her, I am sure that she will understand and then perhaps go along at the end for a drink or join them for coffee. You can always tell the others that you have been delayed (and I am sure that if she is a really good friend she will back you).

I really don't think you should try and fob her off with an excuse as if she knows your history she will see straight through your story!!

I think you should explain to your friend that you're not comfortable eating in front of so many other people, and then go later on for a few drinks.

As poster above said, if you make an excuse your friend will see right through it.

pingu - I guess you're right that for me the main issue is eating in front of people. But it really does make me cringe to think of that amount of someone else's money being essentially thrown away. I'm not in counselling any more and yes, I think I would prefer to tell the truth, at least to her.

sockshitter - pathetic as it may sound, I don't think there'll be any fun involved sadly. When I have to sit in a restaurant with people I panic. Following conversations is hard, the lights are too bright, everything's too loud and my chest tightens up - I am a FREAK in this area!

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll talk to her tomorrow morning, assuming I've managed to make a decision by then!

Tell her the truth, if I was her I would be very upset if you lied to me, not if you did not cme for the meal

and yes, she likely would see straight through a story, you're both right!

Be honest with your friend and tell her that you don't think you're well enough yet to cope with a meal out and just have drinks at the restaurant. If there are that many people going then probably nobody will notice that you aren't eating anyway but have a prearranged excuse with your friend in case anyone does say anything. Like pingu, I hope you are in counseling for this and that you haven't just been put on prozac or something.

Oops, cross posted massively there! Sounds to me like you should still be in counseling. Did you last lot of counseling help you at all and do you have the option to go back?