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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want more support from my mother

27 replies

theowlandthepussycatwenttosea · 26/05/2011 17:34

She doesn't work and I am a new mother. I'd like some help and company as I am often lonely. She has a new partner and goes on cruises. my friends parents help a lot but my mother seems more interested in enjoying herself. i have explained how much i would like her to help.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 26/05/2011 17:35

yabu!!!

its her life....

Nixea · 26/05/2011 17:36

YABU. Sorry but she's done her childcare 'time' when you were little and now, understandably, wants a life of her own. I know it's hard to get used to as the stereotypical GP image is doting and spoiling but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.

Flisspaps · 26/05/2011 17:36

You probably won't like what I'm going to say...

She's not obliged to help you in any way, working or not. I hope by the time I'm a Grandmother that I'm off on cruises 'enjoying myself' and not having to help DD wipe her own babies bottoms.

If you need company are there baby groups you can attend in your area - meet others in the same boat and all support each other?

BluddyMoFo · 26/05/2011 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nixea · 26/05/2011 17:38

Also, how about contacting your local sure start centre? They can usually give you a list of baby and toddler groups and put you in touch with other parents in the area. I know the one near us even offers a 'mentor' scheme.
You could also try getting in touch with your local library. They often have wriggly readers or some such and it can be a good place to meet other mums.

GiddyPickle · 26/05/2011 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 26/05/2011 17:48

Dont compare yourself to those other new mums whose mothers dash in and out with ironed laundry, out pushing buggies whilst new mummy has a nap etc....

You have asked her. She's not willing. So you need to carve out your own support network. As Nixea says look at what is on offer locally. Music groups, massage, tots and baby groups, NCT etc.. There will be other lonely mummies out there too. You will find some lovely friends.

Pictish · 26/05/2011 17:50

How very rude of her to go on cruises and enjoy herself!!

Honestly - some people!! Unbelievable!

Pictish · 26/05/2011 17:51

Being serious for a minute though.....it IS hard feeling isolated with a baby, and if you feel snubbed by your own mum, that's going to hurt.

dietstartstmoz · 26/05/2011 17:53

I sympathise with you 'theowl....'. We have 2 DC, DC2 has SEN, they have 2 sets of doting parents, and are aged 6 and 3. My parents rarely help, my mom does not work and lives an hr away and won't drive over to me as she is not a confident driver-fair enough, but i do find it incredibly frustrating. I work PT, and need some help with the kids, particularly DC2 as I can't get anything done at home. I'm now trying to work out how I hold down my job in sept when DC2 starts school as he won't be able to do breakfast/club after school club and I need to be in work early. I would love my parents to be of some use, especially as my grandparents virtually brought me up as my parents both worked, and they keep saying 'I don't know how you cope' to me.
No, YANBU, it is fairly normal to expect some minimal help, especially as i'm sure you know lots of others who have help. I have a lovely friend, and other mum-chums and get out and about. It's very hard, and I sympathise.

smallpotato · 26/05/2011 18:04

Think yourself lucky, the number of threads on here about interfering mums...

I do sympathise though, my mum died 10 years ago and I am very of friends who have a helpful mum nearby.

Please get out to some groups. New mums are usually a friendly bunch keen to make friends!

smallpotato · 26/05/2011 18:04

Think yourself lucky, the number of threads on here about interfering mums...

I do sympathise though, my mum died 10 years ago and I am very of friends who have a helpful mum nearby.

Please get out to some groups. New mums are usually a friendly bunch keen to make friends!

LDNmummy · 26/05/2011 18:08

I don't think this is real. If it is, YABU, why should she help you when she has done her job as a mother. I don't expect any help from my mother except a visit to the baby every once in a while.

On the being lonely thing, are there any local groups you could join? Maybe some mother baby groups? I think sorting that out would help make you feel a lot better than having your mum round.

heliumballoons · 26/05/2011 18:09

YABU, but I understand how you feel. I had DS abroad as lived there and often wished I had my Mum there to help etc. Then moved to UK and didn't worry so much. Sometimes I think its all about what you think you want or shoul be happening.

Popbiscuit · 26/05/2011 18:12

I've been you, OP. My Mum lives 5 mins away and is young and healthy and wants nothing to do with her GC's. I felt snubbed for the first few years but realized it's not healthy to dwell on it even when you see other GP's actively participating in their GC's lives. My advice is to put it in a mental box and move on with your life. You can't change people. Enjoy your new baby!

FabbyChic · 26/05/2011 18:14

Sorry but when you grew up she got her life back so she should be able to enjoy it, having children does not give you an automatic right to help from anbody.

A lot of people don't have friends to even help, and to be honest looking after a baby takes no time at all, they shit, they eat, they sleep that's it.

Get yourself out to some baby groups.

MinginInTheRain · 26/05/2011 19:23

don't know why you're getting such a hard time OP. I sympathise. it's hard having a baby and support from your mother would be lovely. yes try and meet other mums but sometimes you just want support from someone you can be completely open with and show that you're not finding it easy whatever. other mums can be intimidating especially if you are lacking confidence in how you are doing. but remember most people feel like you and aren't all perfect.

as for your mum maybe she's worried she will be sucked into constant baby stuff. maybe invite her round just for some company rather than 'help' and see if that makes her more willing.

unfitmother · 26/05/2011 19:29

Sorry OP but YABU, it's up to your Mum how much she gets involved.

Sylvaniasandwich · 26/05/2011 19:31

Ah OP you are NBU to want help from your mum, but if she is not willing you just have to let it go.

Tolalola · 26/05/2011 19:31

YABU. Sorry, it is tough with a new baby, but she's probably well over the baby stage and has long since finished with child rearing.

There's really no reason why she should feel compelled to be dragged back into it because you've now got a child.

Ultimately, it was your choice to have a child and now it's your responsibility.

Luckily, there are probably lots of other new mums around who are in the same boat and would also like to make new mum friends. Go forth and find them.

trixie123 · 26/05/2011 20:11

I agree with minging that you seem to be getting a bit of a hard time on here. Unless there are complicated issues between you and your mum I don't think it is unreasonable to think you might get some help of the type you describe - you are not asking for unpaid childcare for whole days, just a bit of company and general support. I have just had DC2 and my mum, my MIL and SMIL have all pitched in a HUGE amount to help, especially with looking after DC1 as I had CS and can't pick him up. I didn't expect it as in feel entitled to it but I would have been rather hurt and felt let down if they hadn't. It seems a little inconsistent that on the one hand, as parents we are supposed to always put our kids first, do anything for them etc but our OWN parents are not obliged or expected to do very much at all unless they actively want to. Do we stop being parents once our kids are grown up?

Nixea · 26/05/2011 20:27

I would hazard a guess at why the OP is getting such a hard time...but then I'd get a smacked wrist

AllDirections · 26/05/2011 20:29

YANBU

YellowDinosaur · 26/05/2011 20:37

YANBU to feel let down. My parents and in laws all live about 5 hours drive away and I feel very jealous of friends who have them round the corner and help out.

On the other hand you can't EXPECT your Mum to help - as others have pointed out they are your children and she has done her child rearing. I think you've had an unneccessarily hard time though. It is hard and I don't think you've been expecting her to help from the tone of your OP - rather to be there with emotional support. She isn't prepared to do that though so get yourself out to some baby groups. I have made some fantastic mum friends like this even though its not easy to start.

Good luck x

MainlyMaynie · 26/05/2011 20:55

I'm surprised at the number of people who thinking parenting stops when your child grows up. In my family, parents always do their best to support their children whatever age they are. That doesn't mean having to rear your daughter's children, but it does mean offering support when it's needed. That seems to be the norm in most families, so I regard that as part of normal familial relationships. It's not just parent-child either, I would want to support other relatives too.

So OP, I understand why you feel let down and disappointed by your Mum. Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do if your Mum doesn't want to help, but I think it's ok to feel sad about that.

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