to finally stop alcoholic mother seeing my dc's?

[justGetEmOut]

My mother has been an alcoholic for all of my life. She holds it together reasonably well (her house is quite up together, and she is clean etc), but I know she drinks every day.
When I was pg with ds1 (now 13), I made it v. clear that I did not want her to drink around him, roll up pissed to visit etc....she did, of course, then did the same through me having ds2 and dd1.
My kids know why 'grandma is wierd today', and she knows that they know the reason, but that is not enough to stop her.
I would love to be able to support/help her, but I've tried for about 30 years, and nothing has worked.
I have reached the point now where I'm sick of her screwing up my life, and unwilling to let her drinking affect my dc's lives. She ruined my wedding day, mortified me in the hospital after my babies' births, and her drinking made my childhood absolutely appalling.
I have recently given her an ultimatum; that she does not ever drink before visiting us, or I would cut off all ties to her....she messed it up within a few days. I understand that this is V. hard ( I know 'it's an illness') and I know that she will mess up from time to time, but I want to see her at least trying.
So, aibu to finally bite the bullet and say 'enough is enough'? Will this give her the kick up the arse she needs, or will she drink herself to death in a gutter because I have taken away the only positive thing in her life and I'll have to live with the guilt forever?

(sorry, v.v. long and rambling.)

Sadly, YANBU. I'm really sorry. She's not your responsibility, so whatever she does to herself can't ever be your fault. :(

She will not stop, I'm afraid. And if your DCs are the 'only positive thing in her life' then she is not being very appreciative, is she? And you certainly should not feel guilty - who is making you feel guilty? I would cut and run - or do you want your children growing up with the same life you had?

This is a sad situation that you must take control of.

I think now you've said it you have to follow through with no contact.

It doesn't have to be forever.

I disagree that you've taken away the only positive thing in her life, your mum does have some control over her life and has to take responsibility.

It's not as though you're saying it for the sake of it, you're concerned about the effect on your DC and have given her lots of chances and time by the looks of it.

Has she ever looked for help for herself?

People have to hit 'rock bottom' sometimes in order to change.

Perhaps losing you all will help her to want to change?

you could let her know that you love her and if she wants to kick the booze you will support her, but until she is sober, she cannot see your children.

Thing is, that you can't control what she does. And you can't predict which way she will go. Yes, maybe this will be what she needs to fight! Or perhaps she will give up. You can't know. But can you allow her to continue in your lives, behaving as she is now?

I think you should contact al-anon or similar for specialist advice. They'll be able to talk it through with you.

I feel your pain, don't really have any advise though, as I have said "right that's it!! I'm having nothing more to do with her" about 20 times in the last 2 years. I havn't invited her for the last 2 christmas days, due to her pissing herself on My sofa ,but felt so guilty about it all day. Mine has now gone past the drinking stage and is at the now having serious mental health problems stage. I don't know which was worse.........probably the drinking TBH. I'm talking hearing voices and thinking she has bombs in her shoes!

An ultimatum wouldn't work, If She is an alcoholc no matter how much she loves you and her GC she physically won't be able to stop.

YANBU. Having grown up with an alcholic in my family too, I fully appreciate how horrendous this is for you but you are absolutely right to put your foot down. You are not taking away "the one positive thing in her life;" she is the one doing that. If she drinks herself to death in a gutter, that will be her choice.

I know it's awful, but you have to put your children (and yourself) first - it might be the kick up the arse your mum needs, or it might not, but either way, it is not your responsibility to provide said kick up the arse.

I am so sorry you're in this situation. As for the guilt - have you contacted Al Anon? - I'm sure they must provide support groups/counselling in situations like this. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, and you need to learn to believe that.

I've name changed for this one.. but I'd like to offer an opinion... The more you 'challenge' her on her behaviour, the more stressed she feels and the more she feels she needs to turn to drink. I'd put money on it. And, in this respect, I know what I'm talking about.

She isn't and can't be your responsibility. You are looking at a 30year plus relationship with alcohol. Consider a relationship with alcohol like an abusive relationship. Your mother keeps going back thinking it will work, only to get knocked to the floor, feel like shit and the only thing that makes her feel better is another drink.

There is, sadly, nothing YOU can do to change her behaviour. Only she can do that. But I would ask her if she is willing to consider rehab. That is what she needs. I'm afraid to say, I don't think it's possible to renegotiate a relationship with alcohol after so long. It's a case of giving up. And I would suggest she will need help (probably residential) to cope with that.

So, if I were you, I would say to her that you will support her through rehab. But if she refuses, then she is going to have to lay in her bed with a bottle.

YANBU.

Put you and your children first. I know it's hard, but you are entitled to a happy, better life.

It will either give her a kick up the arse, or she will hit the bottom, but nothing you do or say will make a difference. Addicts of any kind can only be helped if they want to help themselves. By you not giving her an ultimatum, she is kidding herself that it is acceptable, and the behaviour will continue.

I have/had someone in my life who is an alcoholic (not that they would ever admit it) and I have had to cut them out, as I am not prepared for my DCs to see it is an acceptable way to behave/live. Turns out the rest of my family has also cut us out, but I believe I am doing the best by MY children, and everyone else can take a running jump !

Keep strong. You, and children first, Mum, second. Circle of life.

I would like to say that she NEVER EVER gets up in the morning and thinks 'Oh, I know, I'll piss myself on my daughters sofa in front of a bunch of people. That'll be fun'.

She doesn't.

She thinks 'Oh, I feel uncomfortable / uphappy / stressed, I'll have a drink' She has a drink. She feels a bit better, She has another. She loses control. A control that 'normal' people possess, but which alcoholics don't, even though they've been in the position so many times, you would think they'd have learnt.

All you can offer is rehab. Even alcoholics can choose not to take the first drink.