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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find it hard?

17 replies

badmummy101 · 25/05/2011 16:41

to have friendships with mums i meet at the school?
2 or 3 times i have made what i thought were good friends at the school, only for it to vanish and be really weird, and me have no idea why.
is there a playground mums rule book that i can buy?

OP posts:

fifi25 · 25/05/2011 17:04

I think its weird. Its better just to stick to your real life friends

blowbroth · 25/05/2011 17:04

Me too! Only just recently someone I thought of as a good friend throughout the whole of primary school seems to be blanking me and I have no idea why. If anyone comes up with a book then I'll need a copy too.

Original poster

badmummy101 · 25/05/2011 17:07

blow, that is my problem to a t.
me and X are good mates, we make frineds with a,b,c and d. all do lunches at eachother houses etc. X stops talking to me, i ask her and a,b,c, and d what the issue is. have i accidently offended her? she wont answer, the others say they dont know what the isue is. so now im out the group and possibly will never know why.

OP posts:

AngryFeet · 25/05/2011 17:13

I haven't made any friends at the school really. There are people who I chat to or say hi to. If I ever get the chance to sit down with any of them during a playdate or whatever we get on well but I am a bit lazy and never really push to make friends. I guess it's because I already have a lot of good friends outside of the playground so it seems a lot of effort considering there doesn't seem to be anyone on my wavelength in DDs class. DS is about to start school and I doubt I will be any better there. I am rubbish at just wandering up to people and starting random conversation and noone really bothers with me so I just leave it.

Your situation sounds a bit like grown up childish behaviour though. I would distance myself from it.

mrsdonkeybucket · 25/05/2011 17:14

Hated the whole 'Mum's at school gates' scenario.

Worse than bitchy teenage girls, and avoided making 'friends' as much as I could.

My mate (lives elsewhere, in a village) is always on the phone to me moaning about this type of thing, I think she has rotated the whole school several times. They are 2-faced, she is, they all get to hear about it, change. Repeat.

Bores me rigid.

Original poster

badmummy101 · 25/05/2011 17:17

where do you make friends tho? i dont work, so thats out. i moved area totally away from school friends, or when i worked friends.

OP posts:

fifi25 · 25/05/2011 17:20

How about an evening group or a college course

mrsdonkeybucket · 25/05/2011 17:24

I don't actually have that many friends. Can count them on one hand. Strange ol' thing me, I am never happier than with DH and DCs.

Don't trust easily, maybe that's part of my problem, and women can be so bitchy and "fluffy" I can't be arsed with it.

The friends I do have I have known for years, and have moved about a bit, and keep in touch in other ways. We want to move way away from where we are now, I suppose I would make an effort to get to know some people through the DCs ? Not school, as mine don't go, but in other ways.

I think sometimes it is a social thing, that if you don't get to your mid-30's (like me) with lots and lots of special Mummy friends, there's something wrong with you. Not so. Some people are happier in their own company.

It's hard to find people who really are interested in the same things you are, maybe that's why this site is so popular. You have 'friends' but not a lot of effort required. Is it so much friends, or someone to talk to ?

Original poster

badmummy101 · 25/05/2011 19:05

i have started going to an exercise class fifi, just to meet people who arent just known to me cause of our kids! i cant stand constant children talk, drives me barmy.

Mrsdonkey, i want a few people i can chat to, go out with, socialise with. oh works shifts, 3 kids, limited funds, i get bored.

OP posts:

JimmyChooChoo · 26/05/2011 12:20

Badmummy-don't worry.I'm newish to the area too.I don't drive.(Taking test soon)have 10month ds and soon to be 3yr old ds.
Find it hard to make friends.Doesn't mean theres anything wrong ith you though.
Proper friendships take years to form imo.I've met lots of mums over the last few years through (very boring and cliquey)baby groups and some of them were nice enough but it just all fizzled out so to speak.
Not enough in common maybe.Also because I didn't drive I would go to through all weathers/transport/journeys to meet for a cup of tea.I'd think whats the point?
Also the mums at my ds's nursery seem 'cliquey'.They've known eachother for years from growing up in the same area.
Also OP have you asked these women why they're not talking to you?
I personally wouldn't ask them.They're not worth it if that's the way they want to carry on.
Some women really are more childish than their children!
You mentioned you're new to the area.Is there a rugby club or any family club nearby?
We've joined a rugby family club and it's lovely.Friendly people,children playing oh and good price wine

fifi25 · 26/05/2011 12:41

I agree with Mummy some of the parents are cliquey. Its strange as with dd1 i am in the clique as we all know ech other and went to the same school. We watch each others kids and socialise. That said i dont think any of us would go on like the people at your yard.

DD2 Definately dont bother with any of the mams in the infants yard, if you try and join in a conversation you are blanked.. weird. Most of them know each other and TBH i find them snobby. Absolutley nothing in common with any of them from the strained conversations i have had.

I agree its better to get ou and meet people outside of the school

cuteboots · 26/05/2011 12:54

I dont do the school run at the mo but have done in the past and find it really odd and some of the mums are very cliquey. There are a couple of nice ones who have to been to events and parties etc etc but then again sometimes they blank you as well. Also yesterday I had to pick my little boy up from his after school club and several of the mums who I thought were ok ignored me . I agree that its best to try and make friends away from these people and if I didnt have kids I wouldnt go near them anyway.

MooMooFarm · 26/05/2011 13:03

There is so much cliquey-ness at my DCs school it is sometimes painful to stand in the playground. And bitchiness too.

After about 3 years of being ignored, the 'clique' leader deemed me cool enough to invite along to one of the clique nights out. I didn't really want to go but went along anyway because I thought I should make the effort(wouldn't have dared not to!). They literally spent all night bitching about other women at school, how badly behaved other children in the class are, and slagging off a couple of women in the 'clique' who hadn't turned up.

I've never been on another one since and that probably explains why my ears are regularly burning . And yes I get ignored in the playground again.

Hassled · 26/05/2011 13:08

I think the main rule of making lasting friendships through the playground is to never, ever let the behaviour of the kids affect your relationship with the mother. If Friend's DS is being a right little bastard to your DS, you don't take it out on Friend and blank her - the issue is about the children, not the adults. And it is hard to keep it separate, but that does tend to be where the friendships collapse.

mintyneb · 26/05/2011 13:11

DD is at pre school at the moment and I haven't made any friends in the 18 months she's been there. I chat to a couple of them whilst waiting at pick up time and then sometimes afterwards in a local park but that's it. As others have said, most the mums already know each other having grown up in the area or have older children at the same school.

Only just yesterday when I was chatting to these two mums one said to the other, there's a picnic on Friday isn't there? meaning I assume an informal get together in the park after school. First I'd heard of it!

Am just hoping that when DD starts reception in September things might be marginally better although I am not necessarily looking to start new friendships, more just feel like part of a crowd - any crowd!

MooMooFarm · 26/05/2011 13:15

I have come to the conclusion that if I ever manage to make a 'real' friend in the school playground, it will be a happy accident. Meanwhile I will treasure the true friends I have in grown-up world

PfftTheMagicDragon · 26/05/2011 13:26

Ive worked really hard to make school friends. I am not a natural socaliser, but don't want to feel on the outskirts. So I've tried hard to make friends, to talk to people.

I now have a good group of very good friends. It's easy to be snobby and dismissive of people at the school gates.

Flip