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Aibu to think dp should stick to things we've agreed to?

19 replies

honeybee007 · 25/05/2011 15:40

not sure if I'm being hormonal or if I'm right to be a bit peeved. (first thread)

At the beginning of the year dp and I decided that this year due to money being a bit tight that we would not buy any adult relatives birthday gifts,just a card but that we would still buy for our nephews.

I explained to my family who were all fine with it and dp was supposed to speak to his family. All of my family birthdays have been and gone with only a card given, but now his family birthdays have started he's changed his mind and wants to give gifts. The first (his sister) I argued with him and he backed down, the second (his brother) we did give a gift to as we hadn't realised this year was a 'special' birthday and now his mum and dads birthdays are coming up he wants to give gifts again. I don't think its fair that my family have gone without and we still don't have 'spare' money, we don't use credit cards or have debt other than the mortgage. I will feel terrible if pil mention to my parents that fil really liked x present.

Aib an u pregnant crazy?or is he bu to have one rule for my family and another rule for his?

Sorry it's such a long post!

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 25/05/2011 15:43



ConnorTraceptive · 25/05/2011 15:46



honeybee007 · 25/05/2011 15:49

I think he didn't speak to his family at the beginning of the year to explain our situation and so he feels guilty which I can understand. I just can't be bothered arguing every time another birthday comes up. Glad I'm not crazy :)

OP posts:

whyme2 · 25/05/2011 15:54

You're not crazy, he is BU. I think you still need to put your foot down about the gifts though.

Good luck Smile


DorisIsAPinkDragon · 25/05/2011 15:59

YANBU he needs to speak to his family NOW. Save any furtjer arguements or discussions.

We have much the same kind of rule in our family although we do buy for parents (normally £10) but not sisters or BIL's.


honeybee007 · 25/05/2011 15:59

Thanks whyme2 :)

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WhereYouLeftIt · 25/05/2011 15:59

YANBU. And since he has already not given to his sister, you could always argue that giving presents to his parents is going to make her feel singled out, whereas giving only to the brother because it was a 'special' one would make sense to all his family.


honeybee007 · 25/05/2011 16:02

We were going to buy for parents initially but both of my parents are very close to Christmas as is our dd so we decided no birthday gifts but they would get mothers day/fathers day gifts of a little more value than normal (or if money was still not spare like at mothers day I made an extra pressie to go with the shop bought one)

I'm going to try and get him to speak to them but I can see it just being another row, and I feel I can't row too much as he is the wage earner so in my mind it's 'his' money iyswim.

OP posts:

honeybee007 · 25/05/2011 16:03

Thanks wheyouleftit I hadnt thought of wording it that way, that could work!

OP posts:

ginnybag · 25/05/2011 16:07

Well, are you going to be a SAHM? If so, get the idea that it's 'his money' out of your head now. It's not 'his' money just because he's the one at work, it's the family's money!

Or, if you'd like to look at it another way, work out what childcare to cover his hoursat work would be and deduct it, asthat's what it would cost him to employ you to do the job you'll be doing. That's 'your' money.

Then work out a household budget on what's left of his salary and your earnings.

Thinking of it like that might well help both of you and stop you from falling into what is a classic trap.

He is BU about the presents through.


cricketballs · 25/05/2011 16:26

we started this rule a number of years ago; parents/siblings only get a card on birthdays whilst nieces/nephews get a small present (£10) worth. We only buy presents for adults at christmas, mothers/fathers day.

We did this because -
a) my OH is an only child whilst I have 2 sisters/2 BIL
b) we were skint!
c) the number of young children in DH's extended family (which MIL thought we should buy for.....) got silly

We told everyone that this was going to have to be the case from now on and we have stuck to it (in fact other people on both sides also took this as the norm for their present buying).

back to your situation though OP, has your DH been swayed by the presents that his sister has purchased/is going to purchase and doesn't want to feel like the 'misery of the family'?


blackeyedsusan · 25/05/2011 16:36


we had an allowance each to buy family presents from... didn't stop dh spending our joint money though, he still owes the account £300.. Angry


HeadfirstForHalos · 25/05/2011 16:39


He agreed to this, and it's unfair for him to back out now it's his families turn.


seeker · 25/05/2011 16:44

He's being unreasonable not to stick to the arrangement you made - but I think it was a pretty miserable arrangement. Surely there aren;t so many birthdays that you couldn't manage a fiver each for a little present?


fifi25 · 25/05/2011 16:45

YANBU i tell my parents to buy for the kids and i dont get them anything. I tell my IL's the same but still get presents. I cant afford to pay for presents for everyone so i dont buy any, only the kids. He has a large family and i simply cant afford it.


honeybee007 · 25/05/2011 17:05

ginny I'm already a SAHM and have fallen into the classic trap but that's down to me not dp, haven't got used to not 'earning' an actual wage yet.

cricketballs that could be it, I hadn't thought of that.

seeker it is a miserable arrangement but unfortunately the birthdays would cost in excess of £100 (not including the gift we got for his brothers special birthday) and are all pretty close together, we simply don't have that money spare and I don't want to get in debt for adult birthday presents or be unable to buy dd something she needs because we used what little we have to buy a present for someone who should understand we aren't being mean,we are managing our money.dp can't do overtime at the minute as he's on 'light duties' at work after an operation which is why no spare money. Things won't be as tight in a few weeks time thankfully and we will be able to start to save up for Christmas.

I will offer to make cakes/cookies for his parents as we have ingredients in already so they will be a 'free' gift and means he doesn't go empty handed. Does this seem a fair compromise?

OP posts:

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 25/05/2011 19:21

Seems more than fair to me.... but he wouldn't be worrying about compromise IF he'd had the bloody chat.

Oh and thoughly agree with the it's not his money it's the family money, thing, to avoid this all money goes into the family pot we than have a (very) small amount each month as our allowance to fritter!?! away as we please mine goes on a hair cut once in a while clothes and shoes his sadly goes on books!


FabbyChic · 25/05/2011 19:25

In my family we only ever buy children for birthdays and christmas, never adults or it gets ridiculous and we always cap it at £10 for birthdays and £15 for christmas.


honeybee007 · 25/05/2011 19:46

Doris we also have a (very tiny at the moment) pot that we share equally, dp uses his for cigarettes and I keep mine until there's enough to get us a treat or I use it to get emergency milk,bread etc. He really has never done anything to imply it's 'his' money it's totally my hang up. He is never impressed when I use 'my' pot money to buy milk.....doesn't mind so much if it gets him a take away though haha.

fabby I'm thinking it might be a good thing to make permanent especially as our second dc due this summer.

We don't struggle for money for food or anything but it's because we are very careful and don't live beyond our means. When dp does overtime we save the money which is what pays for presents for birthdays and Christmas.

I think home made gifts for birthdays is going to be the way forward, they all like my baking and that way we don't feel mean and they know the thought is there.

OP posts:
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