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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that someone with a new(ish) baby isn't the best person to foist this stuff on?

7 replies

jeckadeck · 25/05/2011 14:18

Friend who lives overseas is having some big problems with work, or specifically, inability to find it. I have been very sympathetic and prepared to lend a listening ear but she's been unable to find a permanent job for the best part of three years despite being ridiculously well qualified and I'm getting to the end of my tether listening to her talking about it without really facing up to the fact that she's in totally the wrong market and should be a bit less picky. She calls about twice a week long distance wanting to have conversations that routinely go on for an hour and a half about the job market where she lives and the minutiae of her attempts to land a job. I have a three and a half month old dd and with the best will in the world I just don't have timeor patience for it. She doesn't ever take hints (the baby is crying, my dinner will be ready in five minutes, my DH is about to slit his wrists, etc) and its impossible to get a word in edgeways anyway so I kind of feel like I may as well not be there a lot of the time.
I'm rather bemused as to why someone who lives thousands of miles away and is up to their neck in nappy changes and nursery rhymes is the most appropriate person to give her advice on this situation and can only conclude that there isn't anyone else closer to home. Which makes me feel guilty and sorry for her but there are only so many hours in the week. She isn't even a particularly close friend, someone I like but haven't known that long. I don't even get to speak to family members as often as twice a week for an hour and a half each, let alone good friends. I'm starting to dread the calls and my DH is beginning to get resentful.
Should I just screen calls or should I try to tell her, tactfully, that I like her and value her as a friend but she is beginning to violate me a bit? Or is it part of my duty as a friend to do these calls.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 25/05/2011 14:21

Email. Ask her to email you and reply at your leisure when you can be bothered have more time. Next time she phones tell her that you really are very busy and that emails will probably be better. Twice a week for an hour at a time is quite a lot.

saffy85 · 25/05/2011 14:27

You need to be brutal. Screen calls, interupt if you need to get off the phone right then and there, but if you can't talk/can't be arsed to talk, don't.

Think of it as you doing her a favour. The more time she spends on the phone to you, the less likely she is to find a suitable job.

And I agree, email is your friend. Or failing that scream "I'm going through a tunnel!" followed by the sound of white noise. And hang up. Voila!

jeckadeck · 25/05/2011 14:32

Thanks. I've tried emailing, saying "can't always pick up due to baby, why don't I call you back at such and such a time." Doesn't really work. I think she's either very thick-skinned or is pretty unhappy and really needs to talk to someone. Possibly both. I'm sympathetic but starting to feel that I'm being asked to go beyond the call of duty.

OP posts:
glassofwhiteanybody · 25/05/2011 14:40

I'd say "Happy to chat but have to go in about 10 mins". Don't mention baby, DH etc, just say you're watching the time. After 5 mins say "I'm watching my time, sorry, have to go in 5 mins". Then "I'm sorry I do have to go now" and be firm. You don't need to be unpleasant, but just make it clear that your time is limited and you'll speak again another time

InTheNightKitchen · 25/05/2011 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redexpat · 26/05/2011 13:23

I completely understand where she's coming from, but I wouldnt call someone with a baby for that length of time that regularly. TBH if she hasn't wised up to the job situation in 3 years she probably will need a crystal clear message from you. Use all the other things that other posters have written. I'm sorry I have to go now. Bye. And hang up.

If she's still calling you after 3 years of living in a different country it doesn't sound like she has settled in or has any kind of support network. It might be the tough love that sends her to more appropriate places of support. It's really not your problem.

PuppyMonkey · 26/05/2011 13:24

Caller ID is your friend.

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