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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop doing anything I don't want to do?

19 replies

onedayiwillflyaway · 25/05/2011 13:45

I know I probably am but I am not sure that I am going to let that bother me tbh.

My life is complicated to say the least. I am a lone parent to two children, one with SN, I suspect the second does too but we will see. So a lot of my life is out of my control if you like. Most of it depends on them and their needs. I don't have much help. They are neither of them at school full time. I never get any regular time off, just the odd hour here and there when their Dad comes to see them.

There are things that I feel I have to do that I actually HATE doing like:

Having ex in laws to visit and visit them when I don't feel like it, but I feel like I have to in order to facilitate my kids relationship with them and fit in with their life choices (inlaws that is)
Having my ex just pop in and out as and when he feels like it and being requested to lend him money when he runs out.
I accepted being a School Governer at my childrens school but felt like it was something I SHOULD do and I just dont want to anymore.

I dont actually have much else going on my life due to lack of child care and certainly not much control or my own wishes being met. So why the fark should I have to keep doing stuff to make life easier for every other twat?

I am worn out, truly, I can barely hold my head up with weariness sometimes, there are meetings and statements that I hate doing but HAVE to for ds so I do. Obviously I will always do that kind of thing.

Sick of all the rest of it though. AIBU to just start saying NO to anything I dont want to do just to meet everyone elses wishes (not my dc of course) amd just start pleasing myself?

OP posts:
messybessie · 25/05/2011 13:49

Yes. Do It.

If your ex and PIL want relationship with your dCs then allow them to but on your terms. Regular set times where you can plan something else.

youmeatsix · 25/05/2011 13:49

you are ground down by all these things, for other people
not because of you or your children
learn to say no
it will be the best thing you ever did

betterwhenthesunshines · 25/05/2011 13:50

It sounds like you could definitely step down from being a School Governer.

It feels good to say NO sometimes - I don't mind helping out, but this year I have drawn the line at actually running all the extra stuff - and have had more time and energy for my DC as a result.

BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 13:52

yes you need to say no. practise in the mirror. "no. i don't want to do that"

you need to put yourself first. and stop lending your EX money. if he wants to visit or his family do then tehy need to ring in advance and check when suits you and you only visit them IF you want to, not because they tell you to.

TattyDevine · 25/05/2011 13:53

Do it. It sounds liberating.

And replace the gap with something you want to do, if at all possible.

Original poster
onedayiwillflyaway · 25/05/2011 13:54

I was going an OU course but had to stop it because I just didn't have the mental energy to commit to it, which made me Sad. I want to get to a place where I am not stressed out anymore and can pick this up again.

OP posts:
Sylvaniasandwich · 25/05/2011 13:57

Oh yes, do it! When I split up from my ex I made the decision that I wasn't going to do anything I didn't want to. It was great! I just said 'no thanks, I don't want to do that' to all sorts of things and prioritised my own wishes. But if you do that you have to accept that people may be irritated and you certainly can't ask for approval - if you do that, you are doomed. Do what you want and accept responsibility for any consequences. Personally I found that people didn't mind half as much as I expected, and I was a much nicer and kinder person once i had stopped doing things that I didn't want to.

I think i am going to do this again actually - because I am overloaded and overwhelmed too.

BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 13:58

oh oneday i had to quit my OU course aswell because i had so many commitments and stresses taht i just didn't have brainspace for it.

ninedragons · 25/05/2011 14:03

Do it. In fact, I think you should ask your ex ILs/exH to drop off some portions of soup/casserole for the freezer next time they bring the kids back. You need help, and sadly you can't always depend on people to notice and offer, so get bolder about asking.

BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 14:05

oh i have just had an idea. would your inlaws or EX be willing to agree a weekly babysitting arrangement for you so that you could start a hobby/class/ go for coffe witha friedn etc? taht way they get to see teh dcs regularly and you dont have to entertain then plus you get a bit of me time.

Playdohinthewashingmachine · 25/05/2011 14:17

Don't lend him money. Just say "no". You don't have to give a reason, change the subject.

You can resign from being a governor.

Can you not arrange set visiting times with your ex? And then of course your ex in-laws can visit at the same time, so your ex is responsible for entertaining them, not you. Do your dcs visit him at his house? Because if so, there is no reason for the ex-ILs to come to yours at all. Your ex can arrange that.

And do practice saying No. I've had several friends tell me that they never worry about asking me for favours because they know that I will say No if it's not convenient. And consequently they feel ok to say no to me, too. That's quite a good place to be, actually.

Original poster
onedayiwillflyaway · 25/05/2011 14:17

Ex would NEVER agree to a standing arrangement like that. He is very difficult to pin down. It is good that the dc see lots of him but it is very much to his timetable iywim. In laws probably would. I suppose now I am forced to think about it, I am super protective of the dc. My ds has ASD but a lot of family members dont really believe he has it and just think he is badly behaved and act accordingly, I don't trust them to deal with him according to his needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
onedayiwillflyaway · 25/05/2011 14:18

" I've had several friends tell me that they never worry about asking me for favours because they know that I will say No if it's not convenient. And consequently they feel ok to say no to me, too. That's quite a good place to be, actually."

That does sound good actually.

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 14:20

he wouldn't agree to it because he knows you are so accomodating. if you stop being so accomodating he will have to agree to it. stand firm and tell him that from now on he has the choice of having the dcs at his or coming to yours on say 2 evenings a week and saturday afternoon . choose whatever arrangement suits youi and then tell him that's what is on offer. if he wants to change teh days then be flexible but once agreed dont let him keep changing, especially if you want to do a course. why should he get to be so free with his tiem when you have to miss out on social time because of it.

BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 14:21

people treat you how you allow them to treat you OP.

Original poster
onedayiwillflyaway · 25/05/2011 14:22

I know, I know, I have been telling myself this for an awfully long time. Just getting the balls to do something about it.......

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 25/05/2011 14:26

Stop being a Governor for a start.

I wouldn't stop 'doing the right thing' with the in-laws, but I would do it on your terms, why can't your ex put that effort in? Sounds like you're being a bit too soft with your ex and he's taking the piss a little, though its good that he's 'allowed' to drop in, you could do with AT LEAST a day off a week, so maybe suggest he has the kids for a whole day, then he can take them to his parents.

On the other hand we all have to do stuff we don't want to do, we all have some duties we can't or shouldn't shirk because if we did, life might be that much harder and more fraught... guilt is as stressful as doing the 'right' thing.

You certainly need a break and it sounds like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself... let the governorship go, resign, you do not have the time.

BooyHoo · 25/05/2011 14:27

yes, it is hard that first time you take control. for a long time i let my mum dictate to me how i should be parenting my son. it was only afetr my best friend questioned a decision i had made, recognising taht it wasn't something i would ever choose to do taht i realised how much of myself and my son i was compromising just in order not to have a row with my mum. i stand up to her now. she doesn' liek it but she doesn't have to. i make the decisions for my dcs and i dont need to have her permission for anything. it was hard teh first time, i was shaking with nerves and we rowed, i cried and ended up leaving her house but it has become eaiser to do. practise what you will say before hand, go oover and over it in your head, perfect your tone and use of words. do you have a friend who would go trhough it with you and give you some support to be brave?

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 25/05/2011 14:30

do it, i started recently and you wouldnt believe how much better you feel.

sounds like you and your dcs would be better off left to your own devices

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