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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like sex is just another thing on my to do list.

21 replies

messybessie · 25/05/2011 09:35

Am stupidly busy at the moment. Nothing major but lots of little tasks and projects on the go which all need to be fitted in somehow. I work part time and fit it around DC.

Ongoing struggle with DH to take responsibility for school run on the odd occasion to spread the load.

When I get to bed, I'm exhausted and still have so many things buzzing round my head. DH wants to get frisky but I just find it (unfairly) irritating. I just want some peace!

Ds1 ends up sneaking into our bed at night and dS2 often wakes early and it just feels like another demand being made of me.

DH would be really upset if he knew I felt like that and I don't want to.

I think I need to sort the rest of my life out and prioritise a bit more.

But AIBU to suggest that foreplay might include remembering when the bins go out?

OP posts:
Gster · 25/05/2011 09:42

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. But I think you'd benefit from explaining all this to your DH. He may be more inclined to take the bins out etc if he associates it with an increased libido and nookie.

.

MrBigglesworth · 25/05/2011 10:07

What Gster said. We're very trainable, you just need to know which 'biscuit' to offer.

niceguy2 · 25/05/2011 10:21

I'd take the bins out without fail if I thought I'd get a blowjob out of it!

cannydoit · 25/05/2011 10:28

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha you men say that but it simply isnt the case. my ex was not the most fastidious of men when it came to his personal hygiene, one of the many reasons he is my ex. i promised him a blow job everyday in the shower, needless to say i keep up my end of the bargain, dangling what one would consider to be the right carrot. but he didnt change his habits, after a couple of weeks things returned to normal as they inevitably do with men, a little bit of effort and the 'well i did take the bins out tonight'.

Original poster
messybessie · 25/05/2011 13:41

Yes, I certainly don't want to set up some kind of tariff. Wink

OP posts:
Nesbo · 25/05/2011 13:48

What is it with blowjobs? As I bloke i'm a bit "meh" about them and normally try to move fairly swiftly on to other things. According to some threads on here it seems that getting one as often as possible should be the main aim of my existence - I feel left out! :)

Nesbo · 25/05/2011 13:55

But back to the OP, if you feel he is leaving too much to you you need to talk about it. Also, try to both get all jobs done as early as you can and leave a bit of time to wind down before you go to bed. A mind buzzing with activity isn't just a recipe for no libido, it also doesn't bode well for a relaxing sleep!

MarathonMama · 25/05/2011 15:15

There are barely ever any men in the MN forums I frequent, you put the word "sex" in the title of this thread and bang (pardon the pun) out of the first eight comments, half are from men...

AngryFeet · 25/05/2011 15:27

Nesbo - you clearly haven't had a good one then ;)

My life sounds similar to yours OP (in that I work part time and have lots of little projects and chores) but to me when the kids are in bed at 7.30pm it is wind down time. DH and I can have 3 hours chilling and chatting then go to bed. Our sex life is still good and I never feel like it is a chore. I think you need to get some organisation in your life and maybe pare down some of the projects as your relationship needs to take some priority here. Definitely talk to your DH and say you are struggling to cope with everything which is leading to you being stressed and therefore not up for sex. Ask for his help and if he is a good man you will get it.

AngryFeet · 25/05/2011 15:30

Oh and stop DS1 getting into your bed. We put a babygate on our doorway then set up a star chart for our dd recently saying if she could go 30 days without coming to our room we would get her the rollerskates she wanted. This worked reallty well and now she doesn't attempt to get up in the night. How old are your children? Can you set up an alarm clock for them at say 7am and they aren't allowed to come and wake you up before then?

SnuffleTurtle153 · 25/05/2011 15:33

I feel a bit like this at the moment Sad , had our DS 10 weeks ago and had an episiotomy.... And I know everything's OK now and it shouldn't be an issue but I literally can't face it.

Feel very guilty about it so am selfishly glad you feel similar... But tbh I think we're both BU! Smile

Insomnia11 · 25/05/2011 15:38

Both DH and I feel like this. Sex is on the "to don't" list. We're like a couple of elderly pandas :)

Gster · 25/05/2011 16:03

MarathonMama,

I tend not to go into the conception or pregnancy threads that you frequent as (a) I'm a man and don't have a womb, and (b) I already have a child.

But I do frequent plenty of other non - sex related threads.

GetOrfMoiCase · 25/05/2011 16:07

Christ snuffle don't feel guilty - 10 weeks after an episiotomy. Blimey just leave it for a bit, as long as you can talk to your husband about how you feel surely he will undertsnad why you are so reluctant.

Don't a lot of couples go through 'can't be arsed' moments?

MarathonMama · 25/05/2011 16:19

Gster, just gently poking fun at the unfairer sex, don't take it personally...

Gster · 25/05/2011 16:27

ok. sorry. :)

BsshBossh · 25/05/2011 16:27

I'm like AngryFeet, in our house we keep chores to mornings (eg load of laundry on when we wake up) and weekends. Time after 7.30pm when DD is asleep is strictly adult time - pursuing our own hobbies (for me writing, for DH cooking and reading - when he's not working late) and watching films together and chatting and sitting out in the garden when it's warm. Generally chilling out time. Our sex life is very good and we're not obsessed about the house being perfect etc. However, we do have systems in place (eg lists) to get things done (we're hyper organised).

ginnybag · 25/05/2011 16:41

I feel like you sometimes, OP.

That, and I never seem to have a moment where my body is mine. If I'm not being clambered on for milk by my 16 month old DD, the DH is wondering when it's 'his turn with them...'

justGetEmOut · 25/05/2011 16:47

You are NOT bu. I think loads of us go through phases of feeling like its another chore on the list, and it's really hard to switch of when you've had a really busy day and switch from mummy into sex goddess mode!

I think as long as you reassure your husband that you love him, find him attractive, and want to feel up to it but just don't right now, its totally reasonable, and it's also reasonable to explain that if you had a bit more help, so you could switch of for half an hour in the evening, he might get more!

ChopMonster · 25/05/2011 16:48

Snuffleturtle don't feel guilty, it's normal. I'm 13 weeks post-3rd degree tear so I know exactly how you feel!

OP it sounds like you could do with divvying out the chores a bit more evenly so that you both have time to wind down in the evening and spend some time together. It is tough though, when DS is in bed I just want to sleep myself.

Dropdeadfred · 25/05/2011 16:52

have you spoken to your dh about it? are you just having sex anyway..? or gently rebuffing him?

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