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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a friend who knows money is tight call me up and ask me which holiday she should go on over half term?

27 replies

carocaro · 25/05/2011 07:44

She called last night, Legoland Hotel 3 night stay or one week in Canary Islands, which we be best did I think for half term? I went with eldest DS to Legoland about 7 years ago, that is why she was asking, apprently. She know we are very short of cash, DH just working again after 14 months unemployed so we are catching up on bills etc. They went to Spain over Easter for two weeks as well!

Of course I havea touch of envy, would love to take DC's away somewhere, but it's the insensitivity of her calling to ask me when she knows our situation and also why can't she make her own mind up, it's not that hard of a decision to make!

OP posts:

BeamMysterious · 25/05/2011 07:49

It is insensitive of her, and perhaps she realised that when she put the phone down? On the other hand, she may have such low self-esteem she has to brag to someone about how fantastic her life is, with complete disregard to their own feelings.

Don't let it get you down. Your DH is working again, life is on the up. Concentrate on YOU and YOUR family.

Holidays in the Canaries/Spain/trips to Legoland? Pffffffttt.

sausagesandmarmelade · 25/05/2011 07:49

I'm not sure she was being deliberately insensitive?

If she's your friend she should be able to share with you what she's doing...
and you shouldn't be envious but pleased for her.

There are loads of examples where people don't have what their friends do....

tallulahxhunny · 25/05/2011 07:49

oh fgs she was asking your opinion because you have been to somewhere she is thinking about going to and you will know if its worth the money or whatever. I dont see anything insensitive about it, its not her fault your OH wasnt working, and as you say he is back at work now so you can have holidays when you can afford it. :shrugs

SouthStar · 25/05/2011 07:52

Maybe she didnt realise it would annoy you but thats what friends do, ask for opinions especially if they can get advise from someone who has been there.

Sirzy · 25/05/2011 07:54

She probably thought, "Oohh carocaro has been to legoland let's see what she thinks" i doubt your personal circumstances came into her thoughts when looking at holiday ideas.

justpaddling · 25/05/2011 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 25/05/2011 08:04

No she's not being insensitive, it's not like you have never had a holiday, you have been to Legoland which is why she is asking your advice.

TrillianAstra · 25/05/2011 08:23

You are missing a bit from your question.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to have a friend who knows money is tight call me up and ask me which holiday she should go on over half term?

As it is it makes no sense.

I think if you are friends with someone you should be able to share in what they are doing, even if you aren't doing it yourself. She's asking your advice because she values your opinion.

YANBU to feel a bit sad that you aren't going on a holiday, but YABU to feel that she is doing anything wrong in talking to you about hers.

ENormaSnob · 25/05/2011 08:25

Yabu

BecauseImWorthIt · 25/05/2011 08:29

YABU (although I can understand how you might feel).

She was asking you, as your friend, what your opinion was based on your experience. She was asking you for your advice and help which is what true friends offer each other, isn't it?

I have a lovely friend who is off on holiday today, somewhere long haul and where I have been before. We can't afford to have a family holiday this year. Doesn't mean I'm not happy to offer advice about places to go/stay. It would never occur to me to think she was being insensitive to ask me about it.

glassofwhiteanybody · 25/05/2011 09:42

I think it's reasonable for her to ask you about Legoland.

I feel sorry for you if it upset you but I think people have all different budgets and life is far easier if you don't compare yourself with other people.

fedupofnamechanging · 25/05/2011 09:46

She could have just asked if you would recommend Legoland. Talking about the Canaries is a bit insensitive imo. a little bit of tact wouldn't have gone amiss, but she probably just didn't think so try not to read too much into it. Some people are just very wrapped up in their own lives and don't give too much thought to other peoples.

ScarletOHaHa · 25/05/2011 09:58

YABU. Before we had kids, my a close friend had much a better standard of living than we did. She didn't return to work and I did (full time) and things are much tighter for them now. I was always happy to hear about her extension, trips to NYC, new cars, etc. We have always budgeted more carefully and go out a few times a year. If I talk about going on holiday, she gets quite annoyed. As long as your friend listens to you, I think you could be kinder and offer an opinion. If she is your friend, she should be able to talk to you about this.

ChristinedePizan · 25/05/2011 10:01

I would have far fewer friends if I became envious every time they could afford to do something I couldn't.

needanewname · 25/05/2011 10:15

YABU - sorry.

We have friends with lots more money than us and they'll talk about things they're doing - not to brag but generally what have you been up to kind if things. Yes I would love tobe able o do some of thiose things but at this moment in time its not possible for us.

We have the possibility of moving overseas for a few years with a job for DH where he will earn silly money - does that mean I can;t talk about stuff we will do, if (and its a big if) he gets the job.

You have every right to be a bit jealous, but she was asking your opinion. If you genuinely feel she was rubbing your nose in it then don;t see her again, but be prepared to lose many friends as and when you hit hard times.

Asinine · 25/05/2011 10:16

YABU

If it makes you feel better we've never been to any theme park or been abroad for 11 years

There will always be people worse off and better off than you in life. She is being insensitive, but unless you are going to remind her of your own financial situation, all you can make a mental note not to be like this with other people.

I have friends better off than me and I quite like helping them decide how to spend their money, if asked. So I would see helping someone else choose their kitchen as a fun thing to do, rather than a reason to be jealous.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/05/2011 10:22

Sorry but you come across as a bit of a princess from that OP

bruffin · 25/05/2011 10:38

YABU I have a friend who goes on the most fabulous holidays 2 or 3 times a year including a month at christmas at a resort where lots of famous people holiday. They must spend more than my annual wages on holidays. She is lovely and of course I am envious, but wouldn't begrudge her a minute of it. All we can afford this year is a very cheap weekend on the Isle of Wight, but she asked me for advice on Amsterdam as she knows I have been there and I never thought of her being insensitive.

porcamiseria · 25/05/2011 10:53

dont be so jealous, sorry but dont see this as insenstive

HughManatee · 25/05/2011 10:57

If she's got form for this sort of thing, I can understand it peeing you off, we had the same when DH lost his job, but if it's a one-off then just let it go. Easy to say, I know. In the meantime, maybe change your username to baratobarato

jeckadeck · 25/05/2011 11:37

it is a tad tactless but I suspect it wasn't deliberate, just her being thoughtless. Its the kind of thing where if you don't realize its a sore point for others it wouldn't occur to you not to bring it up, I suspect.

mrsbunnthebaker · 25/05/2011 11:39

im on a diet, hope my mate doesnt mention food or shopping for the next year or so when she phones

redskyatnight · 25/05/2011 13:33

It's awkward though. I have a friend who is totally broke- watching her pennies to ensure they eat this week type broke. I am very conscious about not talking about things we've done that cost money lest I upset her. Trouble is once you start analysing what you say, you realise how little it is actually possible to say.

Browncoats · 26/05/2011 09:36

YABU I'm really really really skint right now and a couple of my friends are really quite well off so they're off on holiday together next month for a long weekend, it'll be their 2nd holiday this year with another booked for Sept already. My friend called me the other day to ask what the place they were going to was like as DP and I had been before DS was born.

I'll be honestly, I was a bit down about it because I know it's going to be years before we can afford a holiday like that again but in no way am I ever going to let my friend know I'm feeling like that! She's got every right to go and enjoy her money whenever she wants and in any way she wants without feeling guilty about it. I'd hate to think she wouldn't call me to ask for advice because she knows I'm skint.

It's that kind of divisive thinking that helps keep the "them and us" and the class culture going in the UK when in reality it shouldn't matter how much money you make or what kind of job you do, it should only matter what kind of person you are.

BluddyMoFo · 26/05/2011 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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