To feel a bit used

[whatever17]

This Easter we went on our first holiday in 7 years. I have been a single parent for a very long time and money is tight so I saved really hard and it was a massive treat. We booked a villa with a pool in the Canary Islands. DS1 begged me to let his best mate come too. They are both 19 therefore I didn't need to "look after" the best mate and the other kids like him too.

I said - I have saved really hard for this and spending money is calculated on OUR meals and OUR food but if he gives me £10 a day, in advance then he can eat royally, as we will, self catering. For example good breakfast, picnic lunch and a steak n sausage barbie at night. Plus soft drinks and beer etc. I felt really mean asking for a meals allowance.

I thought that was reasonable. And, fair play, he gave it to me. On the 2nd day the best mate cut his foot very badly. It turned out he didn't have health insurance so I took him, by taxi, to the free clinic. Then he only had trainers with him so I bought him flip flops which were 15E (MASSIVE feet).

Then he was trying to walk back and forth to the free clinic every day for a dressing change and getting sand in his foot and I couldn't stand it so I paid for a taxi each way, every day. I did get him to incorporate some grocery shopping into it.

On the last day he was catching a slightly earlier flight than us and I said - "shall I pack you a lunch, do you have enough money to get home from the airport?"

He said "Oh, I still have the £80 I came out with, I managed not to spend any money"

I assumed his mother would call me and ask if she owed me anything - de nada.

It's hard, but a 19 year old may just have not thought about it (or not been aware that the money was a struggle for you) and if he hasn't mentioned any of this to his Mum she may assume that he's paid his way. He didn't ask you to pay for a taxi, or flip-flops, after all, did he? You said he was trying to walk to the clinic. So it wasn't deliberately taking advantage of you.

So I don't think there's any deliberate using going on, but if you're now really skint because of the extra expenses, do you know her well enough to maybe at least mention the cut and the expenses casually?

Not his mum's job if he is 19... But he is being an arse and I really think you should ask for the money. Explain you need it.

Tortoise - he is well aware of our situation - he has been in our lives since he was 2.

I got him to immediately phone his mum so she could fax an E 1-11 form through to the Spanish free clinic.

I agree that he didn't ask for the flip flops or taxis but I couldn't take it - I treated him like one of my own and couldn't take him getting sand in his cut.

I do know her well - but I must say that I do not admire her at all.

TBH - if she had took my kid I would call her and say "thank you so much for looking after him when he was injured. I know there must have been extra expense - let me know what it was"

I really would.

Ah, gotcha, that does make a difference. I was envisioning a situation where he felt that you were offering extras because they were no big deal for you, and she was assuming that he paid any extra expenses.

I'd drop it into conversation; yes, it was a good holiday, shame about your son's foot. I hope he didn't feel bad that we couldn't afford any treats, but paying for his taxis and footwear really wiped me out, I wasn't expecting that extra expense.

TBH - It was the "I've still got the £80" that fucked me off.

When we were on holiday DS2 (11) made a friend and wanted to stay with her when we went off for lunch. The parents were staying on the beach and were nice (we had hung around loosely together for a few days cos of the kids) and wanted him to stay and play. I handed the mum a tenner (equiv) she said "you sure?" I said "I am not daft, toasted sandwich, drink, ice cream, another drink, sweetie - £10".

And I am right!

It is not free to have other peoples' kids.

19 is not a kid though.

YANBU. He's an adult and should have paid for his own mistake (ie not getting health insurance - how hard is it to get an EHIC card FFS?!) - different if it was a child (though if I was his parent I would certainly offer money afterwards)

My DSS is 19 and I'd be quite ashamed if he acted like that.

He may be 19, but he behaved like a child, and you helped him, probably pushed him into the role of child by 'treating him as one of your own'.

He took advantage of your hospitality in the way that a child would... not thinking.

If you expected him to pay his way then you should have been clearer in treating him as an adult.

He is 19!
Its not his mothers job to be calling his friends mum. He just clearly hasnt got any manners.
You offered to get him a taxi and you got him the flip flops so it may not have crossed his mind that you expected the money back. If you want the money then ask him for it.

YANBU but I think you need to have a very clear talk to him. No hints, spell it out that you're hurt he let you pay for taxis and shoes when he could and should have paid himself. It really isn't on, and it's a valuable lesson that he needs to learn, and if you're treating him as one of your own then it's perfectly appropriate of you to say it!
And whilst you're talking about it, he needs to understand about taking responsibility for insurance too - he's an adult, and his mate's mum won't always be there. I think you need to help him behave in a more adult fashion - he was bang out of line here.

YANBU. BagofHolly is right: you need to tell him that you're hurt that he let you shoulder all the cost without thinking about your situation and you think he needs to learn to take more responsibility. But do it in a way which doesn't drive a wedge between him and your son. He will smart with indignation and it would be good to do it in a way which allows them to make up -- don't be so rude to him that he can't be friends with your son without losing face.
Having said that, and despite the fact he's an adult, I think the mother should have contacted you just to make sure you're not out of pocket. Its just good manners. He clearly hasn't been that well brought up.

another agreeing with bagofholly

This is hard, because although you treated him as if he was yours, he isn't really and it's hard to speak to someone else's child as you would to your own.

I think that although 19 is legally adult, some 19 year olds are still pretty immature. He probably just didn't think to give you any money because he has no real understanding of how tough things have been for you financially and that you didn't really have the money to spend on him.

You could ask him or his mum to reimburse you, but it might feel a bit awkward. If he was my son, then I would have thanked you and offered to pay back your costs, so you are not U to think that you should not be out of pocket over this. I agree it is very annoying that he went home with £80 and you went home skint. I think if he was anything other than thoughtless though, he wouldn't have let on to you that he still had money. He's don what teenagers do, which is sit back and let the 'mum' take care of things.

I would let this go, but live and learn. Next time (if you are inclined to let him come with you again) check that he has insurance and ask him if he has enough money to pay for things before you pay on his behalf.

Tbh, my brother is 19 and I can't imagine him offering the money-not because he's a dick head but because he doesn't think like that.

I would probably ring his mother (if you've known her for the past 17 years it should be fine) and say that you're a bit embarrassed to bring it up but the holiday was a tight tight budget and you've been left out of pocket, and while the flip flops and taxi weren't an inconvenience as they helped her son, it stopped you from doing something else you might have liked to do.

She'll probably be quite understanding, but if she doesn't know what's going on she can't kick her son into shape.

Perhaps when he said he still had £80 you could have said " oh right, well you can pay me back for the taxi fares then, I thought you had no cash. "
sometimes teenagers need to have things said in black and white. Like others have said it might not have crossed his mind to pay.

Realises saying " what you should have done is x y z" is partcularly useless, sorry!