Please tell me if you think I'm over reacting.

[happy2bhomely]

I'm new and this is my first post, but I read on here all the time and figured you might be the best people to ask. Sorry if it's too long.
My husband invited a friend round tonight. I know him quite well but he is my husband's friend-not mine. His son works for my husband, his wife is a friend and neighbour of my mil. (he is about 20 yrs older than us) This means that he knows quite intimate details about my marriage, my family, my husband's family etc. His son is a nice boy but smokes dope and has been in a fair bit of trouble with the police. We got talking about the situation and this 'friend' started saying it was because his son mixes with 'blacks'. I said that i doubt race has anything to do with it. He said all 'blacks' are scum. I said that I didn't agree and tried to change the subject. My BIL is black, my nephew is black (he knows this) He went on to say that my Husbands sister is as bad because she is a teenage single parent, with a mixed race (indian/white) baby and she is on benefits. I said that this was not a conversation I wanted to have but he carried on. My Husband didn't say a word. I said that I was the wrong person to talk to about this because I was a single parent on benefit for 5 yrs, between the ages of 17 and 22(he knows this)and I understand that situations are complex. He said I was different because I'm now married and my Husband works. He said that people have kids to get council flats (we live in a council flat) I know I'm not perfect and I know that some people abuse the system, but he was so nasty and spiteful, but kept saying things followed by, "not you of course!" Seriously, the list goes on....women should abort any pregnancy a man doesn't want, foreigners are taking all 'our' jobs, 'blacks' are lazy and ignorant.....
I couldn't hold it in any longer and told him that I couldn't believe that someone had so much hate inside them and that actually he didn't have a fucking clue what he was talking about. I said that it was ironic that he and his wife are white, they work, they own their own home, did everything 'right' and yet their son is FAR from perfect. I ended up in tears saying how dare he judge me or my family and that the only thing wrong with this country is that there are too many men like him!
Only THEN did my Husband get up and say it was time to stop, told his friend to leave and showed him out. His friend apologised as he left saying we are all entitled to an opinion and not to get upset just because we don't agree on everything. Apparently we were having a friendly debate.
Am I being unreasonable to tell my husband his friend is not welcome in our home any more? Am I being unreasonable to be so disappointed (and disgusted)with my Husband that he considers this man a friend? My husband thinks I'm over reacting and that plenty of people hold these views. He says 'each to their own' and why should it matter. It does matter, doesn't it?

he wouldn't have lasted past the first 'blacks' in my house.

if this is even for real.

I dont think you are over reacting at all. The man is a knob, unfotuneately our DH is right, there are plenty of them around, doesn;t mean you have to have them in your home spouting the crap. Good for you for having a go back at him.

YANBU at all.

Disgraceful behaviour on his part.

YANBU to be upset over bigotry. You are not unreasonable to have been insulted in your own home by this bigots opinion. I wouldn't be happy if he was a friend of my DH. Sorry happy2bhomely, wait till the dust settles and explain to your dh why this man is never welcome under your roof again. Bigotry, regardless of whether it affects you directly, offends. I think he sounds like a toxic person who is full of hatred and wanted to vent, I feel sorry for the kid. I wouldn't have him in my ouse again for sure. Maybe wait until tomorrow to have a chat with your DH and then explain how vile you found him. Hope you feel a bit better

Either this is a wind up and you are playing mums net bingo by naming everything bit of bigotry you can to get a mostly liberal crown really pissed off........

or

you were being very unreasonable to not kick someone out of your house for saying "blacks", saying women should abort when demanded, council houses, mixed race babies, teen mums... benifits theives... Have I missed something yet? I mean honestly in what land would this conversation happend really?

Please don't think I'm not real! I am, and unfortunately that happened tonight. I am ashamed that I let him go on as long as he did. Our kids were in bed and could have overheard. It was like actual poison flowing from his mouth. I knew people like this existed, I just didn't think my DH would want one as a mate. Believe it or not, my DH has gone to bed upset with me for telling his friend 'screw you' and 'why don't you fuck off home'.

Please don't think I'm not real! I am, and unfortunately that happened tonight. I am ashamed that I let him go on as long as he did. Our kids were in bed and could have overheard. It was like actual poison flowing from his mouth. I knew people like this existed, I just didn't think my DH would want one as a mate. Believe it or not, my DH has gone to bed upset with me for telling his friend 'screw you' and 'why don't you fuck off home'.

so after you told him 3 times to end the conversation he still found reason to move on to mixed race babies,council tenants, abortions, 'foreigners taking jobs' and ignorant and lazy 'blacks'? really with no audience and no response from you or DH he just spewed out this shit without any encouragement? yeah right.

Let's face it,

All blacks are drug dealers/All single mothers are benefit cheats/Women should know there place and abort when told. Everyone knows that.

FFS

Are you sure Nick Griffin wasn't in your house

Am I being unreasonable to tell my husband his friend is not welcome in our home any more? No. The man is nasty.
Am I being unreasonable to be so disappointed (and disgusted)with my Husband that he considers this man a friend? No. It means he doesn't find the man offensive.
My husband thinks I'm over reacting and that plenty of people hold these views. You are not over reacting. yes, some people hold these views, so what? Doesn't mean it is right or acceptable. He says 'each to their own' and why should it matter. Why should it matter to have more hatred in the world? Seriously? he really doesn't know why hatred and bigotry is wrong?
It does matter, doesn't it? Yes, it does. The man was insulting and disrespectful in your own home about your relatives. That in itself is bad enough, and reason for him to not be welcome in your home again. I would tell him so if he ever appears at your doorstep.

Sorry BooyHoo, but really. He was here for about 3 hours. This conversation happened in 'bits' in between talking about the fish tank and the kids and work. I think he actually got off on the fact that he could see I was getting so upset and was looking at my DH for support which never came. He had had a drink and I think this is why he kept on and on, because he has never been like this before. I thought he was ok. Please don't accuse me of making things up. I am not so sad as to sit on the computer making up tales to tell strangers. I just wanted an outsiders opinion, because I am too ashamed to even ask my family or friends in case they judge my DH. In fact I'm glad you find it hard to believe, because it shows just how disgraceful his behaviour really was. I'm not doubting that. I just wanted opinions on whether I would be unreasonable to ban him from my home.

ok i believe you. and dont be ashamed to tell your family. tell them exactly what he is like and i am afraid to say i would tell them what your husband says because also deserves to be judged for his response. by any chance does your DH hold similar views? he seems pretty unresponsive to such disgusting attitudes.

Why do you think I'm so concerned? I'm terrified that my DH might hold similar views. We've been together 12 years so I think they would have surfaced by now, but I'm so disappointed that he didn't even defend his own sister. I think that he was 'just' a coward. His friend is quite intimidating when he gets going. I can't think of any other reason why he didn't say anything. I am going to talk to him tomorrow. He excused it tonight saying it was all political. I lost a whole heap of respect for DH tonight, just like that. I can't help but feel gutted.

well you and DH definitely need to talk about this anyway. even if he doesn't share his 'friend's' views you still need to make it clear that he isn't welcome in the house anymore. and yes if i were you i wouldn't hesitate in establishing exactly what my dh's views were in light of what had just happened.

Thanks for your responses. I am most upset with my DH. I can't change this man's opinions but I need to know that he doesn't agree with him. I also need him to stand up for what 'we' believe. I can't stop them being friends, that's down to DH. He will never be welcome in our home again. It's made me look at his wife in a whole new light too. I should imagine he is quite a bully, but maybe she's the same. Who knows. There are some nasty people in this world. Thankfully I don't come across them very often. Thanks again.

What a pig. I would have kicked him out aswell.
As you said he is your husbands friend so I would think your husband didn't react because he knows what he is like.

Ofcourse he is entitled to his views. However, he showed you absolutely no respect despite being in YOUR house, and you were well within your right to kick his nasty bigoted arse out the minute he offended you.

So no, YANBU or overreacting.

He said 'sorry' for last night. I said 'don't ever put me in that man's company again' and went on to try and explain why I was so upset. My DH said that he didn't need telling, and that obviously he was not welcome in our home again. He said that he knew he had some odd views but hadn't realised just how bad he was, because it wasn't something they had talked about. Apparently my DH valued his friendship because they share a hobby (marine fish) but he assured me that is all they have in common. DH defended not saying anything to him last night because he works with the man's son and said that he didn't want to 'get in to it'. His son does not share his views. I apologised for being rude to the man, because he was a guest after all, and my DH said to never apologise. He said that he was proud of me for standing up for myself. I'm still disappointed that he didn't confront him, but maybe it was for the best. He had been drinking and things could have got out of hand, I suppose. As of today he is no longer a friend.

You are absolutely steamingy right to be angry with your DH. It was HIS friend and he should have curtailed the bigotry, challenged it.

I have had the same experience - went out to dinner with a colleague of my OH's - who then spent the whole evening telling me that when his wife was in hospital, it was full of 'indian people eating curry' and then kept going - as these idiots do - telling me that 'people come over here and live on benefits' blah blah. When I challenged and told him that there were plenty of white scroungers he said that was perfectly fine because it was 'THEIR COUNTRY'!!

I am white asian and I was in tears. The fury is awful...it really burns into you.

It all worked out and your DH is proud of you. I am proud of you too. We must always challenge the stupidity out there in the world.....

Glad you sorted it out with your DH and that he doesn;t share those views. And again, well done for standing up to the prick!