To want to talk about myself for a change

[claretandcheese]

I work in the NHS. I spend all day listening carefully to other people's problems. I have a management role so have to carefully listen to staff problems. I then come home and have to listen carefully to my DC and DH. I also listen carefully to my friends' problems when I am with them. Is it unreasonable of me to want to talk about my feelings to my husband ( am having a horrendous time at work with too much to do, not enough support and targets to meet that managers won't/can't give any more resources to help us acheive ). DH sits for a bit, starts looking cross and bored then I just dry up. Who am I supposed to offload onto????

Same here...I find mumsnet is quite helpful in place of bored partner! Hope you will feel better soon, and get some support from somewhere! x

(Not same here except for the hard work and non listening other half I mean!)

Do you have Clinical Supervision sessions at work?? You might not want to discuss management issues with other staff though.
My DH and I both work in NHS- he's part clinical,I'm full clinical.
When I say "Go on ask me what kind of day I've had" he knows he's a captive audience for me to unload.Sometimes ther's no answers but you just need to get it out( and be told you did the right thing)

Clare, some people just draw it out of you. When its not family or not in work try and avoid it. Friends ringing up in your time is exhausting.

When I stopped doing it to friends, they disappeared, seriously, I was just there for them to vent at, nothing else. They were never there to listen to me, and I did test it a couple of times.

I hope that doesn't come over that I'm horrible, I needed to focus on the stuff that was about my own life, ie family and work. I was really drained listening to it night after night.

Oh thank you, CRS!

I am supposed to, Lordoftheflies, but it tends to get squeezed out. It must be good to have DH aware of issues/working in the same area. I do need to get it out. I am just a hair's breadth away from just walking out at the moment. So cross with DH who gets my full attention when he has had stressful issues at work. Oh well.

You don't come over horrible at all, Monty. Luckily my friends are not draining in themselves. It's just that I end up being the one who does most of the supporting!

Sorry you feel rubbish. Good night's sleep and a morning perspective? I was spitting feathers last night, if it's any consolation, and telling my partner that if he is going to be that rational uncaring, I would leave!

I second the "vent on MN" option. My DH is a lovely man but he's a "problem solver". As soon as I open my mouth to talk about how I feel I can see his brain ticking into "how do I fix this" mode. It's pretty crap that your girlfriends won't listen though!

Have you pointed out to your dh that you listen to him but he's not prepared to do the same for you and is thus rather mean and hypocritical of him? what does he say?

could you say to him that 'we are both stressed. we both need to vent. let's have 5 minutes each and then see if we both need another 5 mins each after that.' And have rules along the lines of whoever's turn it is to rant can do so for exactly their time but then when they are the listener they have to really listen to the other person.

or if dh is in mid-rant what would happen if you were to cut him off mid flow and say 'sorry, we're supposed to be a partnership but if you are not prepared to help me by listening to me vent about my day, why should I listen to you when I can go vent on mn instead?

A cunning plan, zipzap, and one I might carry out. I think he'd be astonished as I think he thinks he's quite good, really and he genuinely doesn't realise how unbalanced it is as I usually just keep it to myself.

oh and following up on sunnyd's post - definitely worth a chat about how you want to vent (albeit at a nice quiet time, not mid vent for either of you). you don't want him to listen to the first bit of your vent and be thinking how to fix it for you and not listening or taking into consideration the rest of it. Explain that you need to talk it through out loud to him and then discuss it at the end and that that is your way of working through things, working out solutions as you talk, calming down and destressing so that is what you need from him. Likewise find out what he wants you to do - is he happy with a few uh huh's as you go or does he want you to be jumping in with ideas as you go or whatever...

I used to work in an office full of men and whenever there was any problem solving to be done (quite frequently) they were useless - just used to launch right into it without thinking it through or even trying to think of two or three different solutions and using a hybrid of the best bits to come up with a great solution.

Took a long time but I finally beat it into them (with the help of large quantities of buns and examples from 'why men can't xxx (can't remember!) and women can't read maps' ) and they even admitted that even spending an extra half hour up front of thinking time would end up with a significantly better solution than jumping straight in (typical projects took anywhere between a week to a couple of months so it was hardly like I was asking for an unreasonable amount of time)

I had that with DH. I called him on it and he got huffy. It was only when I threatened to get an egg timer to make things fair that he started to get the point. He's better at it now, but still needs an "Oi" from time to time.

What were you going to do with the egg timer that so scared him into it?

Share out time fairly and reasonably and not bash him on the head at all obviously