to expect DH to be contactable at work?

[BigBadBear]

DH and I both commute over an hour to work, and leave our DDs in pre-school and nursery. If something happens to either DD that means they need collecting early (usually illness), I am first contact. This afternoon I was called to say that DD2 (aged 1) had a poorly tummy and that she needed picking up. I tried calling DH on his mobile, work mobile and work landline - all went to voicemail. I tried again a few minutes later to no avail, so I excused myself from work and came home to pick up DD2 (thankfully OK, but the nursery have a policy of two bad nappies and you're out for 24 hours).

I eventually raised DH once I had picked DD2 up - he hadn't seen the missed calls on his phone, nor read the text message I had sent to both the mobiles. Apparently, they had been switched off while he was charging them. This is the fourth time this has happened since I returned to work three months ago (that I have had to leave work to collect one of the DDs), and his inability to have a phone that is switched on, charged and near him means that there is never any discussion over who comes home if either DD is unwell.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? And to expect him to be contactable?

It does sound horrific when I put it like that! DD2 is at nursery two days a week, so that's two drop offs and two collections. DD1 is at pre-school five days a week (though her hours vary from 8:30-11:30am to 8am-6pm) so that's another ten. So that's 14 in total. Neither is very far away, but they are in different directions from home (or the station, depending on where I'm coming from).

Helps convince DH that I'm not asking too much of him when I put it like that

With my dh I ring the switchboard and the receptionist tracks him down to his desk where he is ignoring his phone/mobile.

Definitely ring the main office number if you can and explain to the Receptionist. I'm a receptionist and we would track him downwith a gun if he worked here!!!

BigNad - It does sound like he's abdicating his responsibilities in a broader way. I've never heard of a non-contactable IT manager. Half his job is likely to be fire fighting so people must be able to get hold of um when they need to. I suspect though that even if you got hold of him he would make out the couldn't possibly leave and it would all fall on you anyway. I think you need to take away some of his choice in the matter.

Could you try to make him responsible for care he can't wiggle out Of? So you are the emergency contact and are the one to leave work at a moments notice, but he does all the other unplanned care. So if your DC is out of nursery for 24 hours you do the pick up but he has to stay home the next day (and all the days until they are fit again). Would that work out reasonably?

Er BigBad

No No NO - you don't sound unhinged! I manage a team of 5 DW's (not my DWs, DWs of their own DHs) and each of them have confided in me that they feel the same way, and each are embarrassed and very apologetic to me when they've had to drop everything because of an emergency at home that (apparantly) only they are properly equipped to deal with. You're right to be irritated, and also right to raise it with him. BUT you need to agree how to deal with this together in the future and stick to that agreement (and maybe switch off your own phone 'momentarily' to reinforce behaviours...)

YADNBU BBB!

Why not print out your four agreed statements and both sign, then put it up on the wall? For a laugh, you could even do it as a reward chart with stars (might raise a smile among house guests....).

Then every time he fails to do his bit, point meaningfully at the printout.

Sanctions for failure could include not cooking any food for him that day (if you're designated cook), withdrawing sexual favours, disappearing off for a spa pamperthon one Saturday leaving him with no option but look after the DDs.....

Hi BBB. Here we take it in turns. End of. DH's job is no more important than mine and actually he is more easily contactable than I am. I worry non-stop that people won't be able to find me in an emergency and when it happened recently I felt awful (even if it was onyl 10 minutes!!) DH doesn't seem to feel that concerned about it, but is at his desk all day so he can always be contacted anyway. Good luck with the chat. Maybe show him this?!

Hope things improve BBB and secretly taking copious notes... because this is EXACTLY how my dh will be once I go back to work (and was when I worked full time for a year while dd1 was small)!!
Oh, and I'd go the email route, too. I rarely call dh at work, I email him and usually get a reply fairly quickly

Hi BBB Get a list of colleagues you can call when you can't get hold of him in an emergency, and their numbers. Then they can chase him down for you!

Going against the grain here. My DH is the major breadwinner; always has been. His job is the priority. Our DC are 16 and 12 now - when there has been an emergency it is my responsibility to deal with it. I have simply said: "one of the dc is ill" I have to go or I cannot come in". Had one boss who got arsy and simply said "well, as DH is the major breadwinner, if it's that big a problem for you, I shall have to tell the CEO that I'm resigning". Her face was a picture - she lasted less than 12 months. Have worked there for 7 years and had 5 days off in total due to the dc though.

I am actually at hoem today with an unwell DS1. However, I informed DH that if either of the children were sick again that he was to be the one to stay in. While he didn't look pleased, I pointed out that he had to take half the responsibility and that I couldn't do it all.

Um, why do you say that YOU hardly make an income after paying for childcare? Surely both your incomes go together in a pot and childcare costs come from that? Or is it a case that you pay directly for childcare from your bank account/paycheque so he never sees any difference to his?

If so, this imo is where you're wrong and are fostering the wrong attitude. Family income, family expenses. No wonder he thinks it's not his problem to pick up the kids in an emergency. You've got it all covered for him including paying for the childcare in the first place!

It's subtle, I know, but you can start helping yourself by not referring to your income as the one that goes towards childcare (meaning you're working merely to pay for your kids' care, inferring that somehow you have more responsibility for them).

Sounds like he's trying to work it so that, over time, the childcare becomes YOUR job, and by stealth he ends up as 1950s Man who doesn't need to worry about all that stuff.

Tell him that, financially, this is one of the stupidest things he could possibly be doing.

No job is safe right now - and who knows what the future holds for either of you. Shirking the child-related stuff like this is shooting your family earning potential and safety nets in the foot, because what will happen is that YOUR career will end up compromised far more than his is 'improved' because he never has to occasionally leave early to pick up a sick child. You're already thinking of quitting. Apart from the fact that as you pointed out, he's actually being a poor father by acting like this, what happens if you quit and he loses his job? And what about in 5-10 years time, when the children are out of this stage? If he takes on his fair share now and thus enables BOTH of you to carry on bringing in a wage without undue stress and compromise, in ten years you could both be earning a decent amount/both have progressed upscale. Holidays, uni fees...ooh, it all adds up! Scenario 2: he shirks, you end up giving up your job out of sheer frustration and stress - ten years time, you're either off your career ladder permanently or in a far lower paid job. Result = a far reduced standard of living/pension pot etc. for you BOTH as your children move towards adulthood, and he's the only wage earner. Potentially awful for him too when he realises that thanks to him scuppering your career, HE'S the one that's going to be working until 70 to keep things going...

And that's without the damage done to your relationship by him basically treating you as a second-class citizen in the relationship and letting you down over this most important of situations...your frustration at ending up permanently at home or in a crap job once your kids aren't so dependant.

He is really not thinking strategically about this. Show him this thread, even though you've 'talked', it sounds as if he still hasn't actually comprehended the full picture here.

Good point notmyproblem.

My DH is a partner at a london law firm and I am a teacher and it is hard for me to take time off during term time. He takes at least, if not more than 50% of the time we need to take off for children's sickness. He works very long hours with much pressure and is often in meetings so it is difficult to contact him but once time off is needed, he is there.

I know, I know... one of the reasons I am worried about giving up work is because DH was made redundant when I was pg with DD2, and I made up the shortfall by taking on (alot of) extra work. That would be much more difficult to do if I'm not in regular employment (though his job is much more secure in his current company than it was then).

Also, I do hear what you are saying about the childcare costs being shared, but the reality is that DD1 is only in wraparound care for her pre-school because I work. If I wasn't working, that literally isn't a cost anymore, and I'd also save a hell of a lot on travel (London).

As for long-term finances, we are very financially secure thanks to the squirrelling I did when I left uni and also some family help in the past. If I did quit my job, my plan would be to freelance so I could continue to pay into my pension and not be completely reliant on DH's income. But that's a different topic to this one.

Again, thanks to everyone who has posted on this thread for making me feel that I'm not being unreasonable, and for the good questions and points you have raised. Much appreciated.

Not to be a catastrophist OP, but "we are very financially secure thanks to the squirrelling I did when I left uni and also some family help in the past". Well 'WE' might be financially secure, but how financially secure would 'YOU' be on your own? Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Independent income is always the most dependable.