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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH to be contactable at work?

68 replies

BigBadBear · 24/05/2011 16:24

DH and I both commute over an hour to work, and leave our DDs in pre-school and nursery. If something happens to either DD that means they need collecting early (usually illness), I am first contact. This afternoon I was called to say that DD2 (aged 1) had a poorly tummy and that she needed picking up. I tried calling DH on his mobile, work mobile and work landline - all went to voicemail. I tried again a few minutes later to no avail, so I excused myself from work and came home to pick up DD2 (thankfully OK, but the nursery have a policy of two bad nappies and you're out for 24 hours).

I eventually raised DH once I had picked DD2 up - he hadn't seen the missed calls on his phone, nor read the text message I had sent to both the mobiles. Apparently, they had been switched off while he was charging them. This is the fourth time this has happened since I returned to work three months ago (that I have had to leave work to collect one of the DDs), and his inability to have a phone that is switched on, charged and near him means that there is never any discussion over who comes home if either DD is unwell.

AIBU to be annoyed about this? And to expect him to be contactable?

OP posts:

lunar1 · 24/05/2011 17:07

I was in the same position as you and did have to finish work. I was a ward sister so couldn't really just drop everything and leave, but DH is a doctor and there is now way it would be fair on his patients if he had to cancel surgeries or out patient appointments. me finishing was the only real option for us to be able to look after DS properly.

To be honest i'm loving every second of being at home with DS, I hope you find a solution you are happy with.

Chrysanthemum5 · 24/05/2011 17:10

I was talking to a friend recently and she said she has to deal with all childcare emergencies as her DH won't. I was shocked, to me that means he doesn't respect her career (and they both work at a similar level) YANBU nip this in the bud now

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 24/05/2011 17:13

He is paying you lip service . Even if you did get hold of him whats to say that he is busy and you will have to go anyway even if he isnt . As you said "and certainly not without checking who is better placed to leave work at that time."
He really is just saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Potplant · 24/05/2011 17:20

'I almost feel as though I'm facilitating his uselessness with this kind of thing'

Well you are, but he's got you over a barrel. He knows that you wont tell the nursery that you can't come and get them. He knows you wont leave them there. Nip it in the bud or you'll end where I am 6 years down the line - I'm still the one school calls, the one who has to organise childcare when they're, the one who takes them to all after school stuff.

lexxity · 24/05/2011 17:21

Tell him that one day there will be an emergency. My DH used to do this and oneday, after knocking several calls to voicemail, me leaving 10 messages along the lines of pick your fucking phone up NOW, inumerable texts, he finally picked up "I'm in a meeting" he hissed. I replied "son being rushed to hospital, suspected meningitis." He didn't do it again for a while. Until I was pregnant with DS2. I reminded him of the meningitis thing and he started picking his phone up again. Keep on him and don't let him get away with it.

canyou · 24/05/2011 17:21

On a practical level could you not insist that phs are charged in the evenings at home? Make it a habit [we have] keys, wallet and ph on charge all in the same place ready to be grabbed in the morning.
But he does need to step up and take responsibility.

rookiemater · 24/05/2011 17:33

Have you told him exactly what you have put here:

Orm if I said I wanted to quit my job, he wouldn't mind. It would ease the pressure on us as a family (and I make very little once I take childcare and travel out of the equation, so the financial impact would be small). I'm reluctant to because I enjoy my work, the DDs enjoy their childcare settings (and are only there two days a week each as my ILs also help out), I would be worried about trying to get back into work in a few years, but also because I almost feel as though I'm facilitating his uselessness with this kind of thing. I sound unhinged, don't I?

Maybe leave out the last sentence though!

TeeBee · 24/05/2011 17:53

My DH is like this - but they are not allowed to use personal mobiles whilst at work and spends most of his day having meetings. However, he has given me a central switchboard number that I can contact him on emergencies. However, this made me very edgy when I was working away from work as I wasnt sure the school would jump through hoops to try and get through to him. So I told him I was giving up my job - and did! That taught him!

discobeaver · 24/05/2011 18:42

Harrumph. This is so unfair. Next time he blatantly ignores his phone and you have to leave work I would be tempted to pitch up at his work with the kids ( as long as they weren't too ill of course) and refuse to leave until he took them home.
He is being v unreasonable. Also you say he didn't know it was you because you called on your work phone, but doesn't he know that number?

Original poster

BigBadBear · 24/05/2011 19:21

lexxity I have had emergencies (fell badly while pg, for example) and it doesn't make a difference. A couple of years ago, I had to tell him by text message that his grandad had died as I'd tried all day to get hold of him and failed, and he was going out that evening.

canyou I do remind him to charge phones in the evening. He says "I will" and doesn't. I refuse to do it myself as I do so much already. He's so hopeless at stuff like that. Even his mates contact me for organising nights out!

Thanks for all your support though. It makes me feel a bit better, because he has says in the past that I'm unreasonable for expecting to be able to contact him at work. So now I can say I'm not!

OP posts:

vmcd28 · 24/05/2011 19:25

Bigbadbear, this sounds like one of the situations where the dh says to someone that he's busy on Saturday cos he's "babysitting" the kids. Um, they're YOU'RE kids, so you're not effing babysitting!!

They're his kids, not just yours. Why the hell should ANYONE consider quitting their job EVER, if it's purely because their other half can't take 50% of the responsibility for the kids? I work from home, and when I start work again after maternity leave, I'll still expect dh to do half of the emergency pick-ups. With regard to our family life, your dh's job is no more or less "important " than yours. Yes, it may be an unwritten agreement that you "do" more for the kids since you work fewer hours, but if a child is ill, he should be as easily contacted. Actually if you work part-time, it actually looks WORSE the amount of times you've had to leave early.

Can you tell him that you feel that your boss is getting twitchy due to the time off, and it's his turn to do it next time, no negotiation

vmcd28 · 24/05/2011 19:27

Meant to add, doesn't he want to help if one of his kids is ill?

sarahfreck · 24/05/2011 19:31

I agree with the suggestion of making him do half the nursery/pre-school runs unless he has a very much longer commute than you. (preferably drop-offs as he can't really forget that, whereas he could forget to pick up dds). This makes it very clear in practical terms that looking after dds needs is still as much his responsibility as yours - it's a mind set thing I think! I think this would have the knock on affect of making him much more aware of dds during working week. If it is only 2 days its not so big a chore for him to do half!

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/05/2011 19:35

"Orm if I said I wanted to quit my job, he wouldn't mind. It would ease the pressure on us as a family (and I make very little once I take childcare and travel out of the equation, so the financial impact would be small)."

The financial impact would be small only in the short term. Long term it would affect your pension through reduced contribution and reduced final salary. Think long and hard about that aspect.

You say he's an IT manager. Would e-mail reach him faster? I used to work in IT, all of us sitting there behind our screens even the managers, e-mail in one window, beeping when you received something new. BUT I'd also force him to provide a list of telephone numbers for the people sitting around him, and tell him you will call every one of them to track him down and make them aware what a shirking pain he is and drag him to a phone if he doesn't get his arse in gear.

chocolatehobnobs · 24/05/2011 19:48

I'm a bit shit like your DH forget to charge phone. I work as a surgeon and so often can't answer phone if operating or doing clinic. DH knows that switchboard will page me in an emergency. Even my friends and family contact DH to arrange social life. It's a bit embarassing to be so rubbish but I hate to be attached to a phone all the time as I like to switch off out of work.
However I have promised that when our baby starts nursery I will be contactable and will go to childcare emergencies unless absoultely can't get a colleague to cover as DH works in London. I think once you are a parent even shits like your DH and me need to be in contact.

breatheslowly · 24/05/2011 19:57

Does he work in one place with a reception or a departmental secretary? I would phone reception and get them to find him when you think it is his turn if possible.

glassofwhiteanybody · 24/05/2011 20:03

Could you go via switchboard and tell them that you must speak to him and voicemail isn't an option. Tell them it's a family emergency and ask them to keep trying his line / department until he answers. If they keep putting you through to voicemail, just keep callling back and politely saying that you really need to speak to him not his voicemail. If you're clogging up the switchboard they might try harder to track him down via a colleague. If he realises that his colleagues are being inconvenienced then this might shame him into taking his calls.

I sympathise. Our nursery always call me. They seem to assume it's the mother's job to collect

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 24/05/2011 20:11

I seriously think you are being a mug . Surely to god if a surgeon can be contactable why cant he .

Original poster

BigBadBear · 25/05/2011 09:17

Well, we had a chat about this last night, and I reminded him that when I returned to work after mat leave I had asked him to do the following:

Do two drop-offs a week (of 14 childcare runs in total)
Cook dinner one evening a week on one of the three evenings I work
Be contactable during the day in case of emergencies
Be home once a week by 6:45pm to help me put the DDs to bed, and once by 7pm to read DD1 a story at bedtime.

He hasn't managed any of this, which I said was disrespectful to me as someone who works, and also to the DDs as he has not been pulling his weight as a father. When I pointed out how small these things are for him to do, but what a difference they make to me, he was quite ashamed, and has promised to up his game.

Time will tell...

OP posts:

Camerondiazepam · 25/05/2011 09:35

I don't have an answer for you but I feel your pain. I think he wants his life to be exactly the same as it was BK (Before Kids), or at least exclude the tricky bits, and the best way for him to achieve that is to load the entire burden on you. If he's indifferent about you working, then the fact that you want to is not in itself an argument that will work with him.

You need to think differently about this, because saying the same thing, in the same way, will yield the same results. What presses his buttons? WhereYouLeftIt is right, long term, the financial impact could be huge if you don't work now. If he's likely to take notice of this can you work out what impact that will have on your annual pension, assuming, say, you'll live 20 years after retirement? Can you work out how much quicker you can pay your mortgage off if you work than if you don't and therefore how much more it will cost you in interest? I'm just assuming that BIG financial numbers are a wake-up call, they are for me, but if there's something else, around childcare or whatever, use it.

The contacting-during-the-day thing is totally unacceptable and I agree with some other posters that have said you will basically need to embarrass him into it - colleagues, switchboard etc.

I know you shouldn't HAVE to do this, by the way, but I'm just trying to be pragmatic for you to get the result you want.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 25/05/2011 10:02

I just came on to say YANBU and to suggest what BarbarianMum has suggested.

Can you ring his office switchboard and get hold of him that way? Even if he says he's busy you'll know he knows you are trying to contact him.

It does sound to me though that he doesn't really care if you leave work though so would that be possible why he's making it virtually impossible to contact him?

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 25/05/2011 10:05

Whoops sorry completely missed a page

vmcd28 · 25/05/2011 12:18

BigBadBear, when does he usually get home if you have to stipulate that 2 evenings he has to be home before 7pm?

Original poster

BigBadBear · 25/05/2011 13:37

Thanks for the continued suggestions - I have already threatened to get his boss's number and use it to chase him up!

vmcd he finds it hard to get home before 7:15pm most evenings, just because the commute is a bit unpredictable. At least once a week it will be 8-8:30pm. If all goes perfectly, it is an hour (so he can drop DD2 at nursery at 8am and be at his desk for 9am), but all too often something happens and it takes longer. His job is also quite responsive, so it can be difficult for him to leave sometimes.

OP posts:

TheCowardlyLion · 25/05/2011 13:56

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