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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to find this annoying and rude

48 replies

QuackQuackSqueak · 24/05/2011 10:10

So I invite family round for lunch. One of them doesn't want to come for lunch and says they will come after. Fine. Turns up and keep making comments about how hungry they are. I offer them food but they don't want it as they've just had lunch. They still keep making comments about how they were expecting yummy food and then they remember it's at my house. I offer food again but they still don't want it as they are full up. So really they are just trying to be funny but I don't find it funny as they are obviously trying to have a little dig. This goes on for about an hour with them impying that I am stingey by not making nice food for them (which they don't want anyway) and little digs about "oh well it's Quacks house so what would you expect" in front of other guests who by the way did come for lunch and really enjoyed it as I went to a lot of trouble. Plenty of food, wine and desert etc.

Why do I find it so annoying that someone obviously thinks it's funny to try to make me look crap in front of my other guests! I think this guest is a twat and tries to make other people look silly so that they feel better about themselves but all it does is make everyone laugh nervously and be uncomfortable!

Ok rant over.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 24/05/2011 10:49

Could you pretend to be upset and say that they are making you feel like a bad host? when they say it's a joke, say, oh, sorry, where was the funny part?

manicbmc · 24/05/2011 10:53

My ex does the passive aggressive rubbish. If I am with him (due to kids) and anyone asks how he is he'll say he's ok considering I left him, he lost his job and his kids. I just roll my eyes at him.

One day he'll say it at the wrong time and the response will be 'I left because you're an alcoholic. You lost your business because you're an alcoholic and the kids can't be bothered half the time because you're an alcoholic'. I'm biding my time though because I can't be bothered to waste my breath.

If your visitor has stock phrases that he spouts, think of a stock answer.

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 10:55

oh lots of differnt things. one time he was belittling both myself and his wife, there was a question on WWTBAM and we both said the same answer. he responded something like "oh listen to the two einsteins". his wife said "oh maybe that's not the answer" (doubting herself because of his dig) i said something like "don't doubt yourself X. Y isn't saying that because he knows we are wrong. he is saying it because he is scared that we are right and that he didn't know the answer. it makes him feel better to make others feel bad" his wife smirked and he tried to change the subject by telling her to put the kettle on. i know i was being a bit passive agressive myself by talking to his wife instead of him but he is very confrontational and addressing him directly would have started a silly row as he would have been on the defensive. i have no doubt that he continues to do this to everyone but he doesn't with me and didn't after he got the idea that i would call him on it.

QuackQuackSqueak · 24/05/2011 10:56

That's a good idea Hully as it does actually upset me. I am seeing them on friday and Prat is bound to have a comment to make about the lunch at the weekend and about how hungry Prat was and how Prat didn't get fed at my house and how Prat wouldn't expect anything else at my house etc. I could say (with sad face and pathetic voice) "but I always try so hard to make nice food, why would you say something like that?"

OP posts:
QuackQuackSqueak · 24/05/2011 10:58

manicbmc Prat has one stock comment (the rest vary) which is to call me stingey so that is partly what Prat was saying about the food. I am so not stingey! I am very skint but am still too generous considering that. What can I say to that though?

OP posts:
manicbmc · 24/05/2011 11:00

Suggest he brings a packed lunch. Grin

QuackQuackSqueak · 24/05/2011 11:00

BooyHoo Er . . . are we talking about the same person!!!?!!!

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 11:01

quack is prat stingey at all? could it be that they are projecting? can you think of any times where tehy have been stingey and otehrs are aware of taht you could throw back at them to shut them up?

peeriebear · 24/05/2011 11:01

You could just say "Well, everybody who came for lunch had a lovely meal. You came after lunch and refused to have any food when I offered. I fail to see how it's my fault."
Or kick him/her in the crack.

QuackQuackSqueak · 24/05/2011 11:01

manicbmc Packed lunch! (kicking myself)

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 11:01

oh i really feel for you if we are quack!! i wouldn't wish him on anyone!! he is vile.

Hullygully · 24/05/2011 11:03

Quack - tell the truth and shame the devil.

Wobble your lip and wring your hands, say that you feel so bad and inadequate, that you have very little money but you try so hard to be a good host and it is just so upsetting that you are clearly failing.

Cry a bit if you can.

QuackQuackSqueak · 24/05/2011 11:03

BooyHoo Not stingey with money so much but stingey with their time or lending things and grabby for favours off others. No particular thing pops to mind that I could throw back though.

OP posts:
QuackQuackSqueak · 24/05/2011 11:04

Hullygully I gonna do it!

OP posts:
Hullygully · 24/05/2011 11:06

Go go go!

If you are utterly transparent and honest it is very very powerful.

TragicallyHip · 24/05/2011 11:06

What weird people Confused

I'd tell them to fucking do one and get out of my house!

Yes definitely ask them

Pandemoniaa · 24/05/2011 11:15

Oh I hate people like this. They need putting down in a way that doesn't allow them any further mileage. I'd suggest waiting until the next silly stream of consciousness gets going and then, very calmly (but with a neat edge of sarcasm) say "Hey, I hadn't realised we were Live at the Apollo. Only you really are such a comedian, aren't you?" or similar.

But be prepared for them to behave like arses, nonetheless. I've just had to ask a very similarly behaved person to leave a group of performers. He was disruptive, unfunny and deeply passive aggressive. Having finally been given his marching orders after many complaints, he chose to martyr himself all over Facebook. Prat!

manicbmc · 24/05/2011 11:17

Ask him if he's 'on his period' Grin

QuackQuackSqueak · 24/05/2011 11:32

Ok need to commit to memory-

Packed lunch
Acting all hurt
Are you on your period?
Live at the Apollo

Other suggestions welcome Smile

OP posts:
2littlegreenmonkeys · 24/05/2011 11:56

My step FIL is like this, but is deep down a nice person (I am sure of it) he just doesn't come across as that.

No advice because the only way I get him to not be PA or 'jokey', with me, when he clearly isn't is to say 'was that supposed to be a joke?, because it wasn't funny' with a Hmm face. Usually shuts him up. To combat the passive aggressiveness with him, I said 'Ooooooo Passive aggressive much!!' with a big Grin on my face. Only had to say it once and I can see the irony of my saying it seeing as I was being passive aggressive myself Wink
I actually don't think he knew what PA meant and I am sure he had to look it up once he got home

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 13:22

2littlemonkeys i think what you do with step FIL is spot on.. "was that supposed to be a joke it wasn't funny" asks him a direct question and tells him the response he recevied. if he says it was a joke then he now knows it isn't appreciated and if he says it isn't a joke then he is obviously having a proper dig in very childish way rather than speaking to you like an adult about whatever it is that is botehring him. the PA comment is also great because it labels precisely what he is doing so he has no room to make it sound 'jokey'.

QuackQuackSqueak · 24/05/2011 13:34

I'm thinking next time he calls me stingey I might say "don't you think that's a really mean thing to say to someone who is so skint they can hardly afford to feed their children sometimes?"

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 13:37

perfect!!! have that one prepared and he will be so shocked he wont be able to for a sentence in reply!! Grin

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