Contact for Children

[AitchGee]

I realise that my boys may be in an unusual position as the vast majority of estranged parents, living apart from their children seem to be men. The reverse is true in our situation.

The court at the time of the separation, about 4 years ago, ordered me to maintain custody 24/7 but to make every attempt to ensure that contact for them with their mother was continued at my discretion.

I've spent 4 years taking them back and forth, mostly and unfortunately without her turning up. I do my best to never criticise her and make daft excuses to my boys as to why they didn't see their mum.

I'm beginning to get concerned now that they are continually blaming me when she doesn't show. There will come a time when my lies to them will rear up and bite me on my rear!!

There are a number of reasons why my ex isn't able to look after them safely, which I don't feel is right to "share" with you all at present, but as my boys are getting to the age when they might consider running off to their mother, I am starting to worry for them.

I guess what I'm saying here is how much truth can I give to a seven and an eight year old child?

It would be best if you stop taking the responsibility of your ex's behaviour on yourself. Your boys need to know that they have at least one parent they can trust and rely on, and they if know you are lying or appear to be, how can I put it?.... not able to complete the vists for them then they will feel lost and alone. hope this makes sense.
When explaining things like this to young ones, I think it's best to not lie but keep it simple.
If she fails to turn up, don't lie or make a daft excuse, but maybe explain something like - "mum has some issues that make it difficult for her to do what she knows is right. I'm sure she really wants to be with you but she has some problems that stop her from doing this. It's sad that I can't solve these problems for her, but at least I am here for you and always will be"
Wait until they ask questions before giving them information, and reply to questions simply.
The main thing is that they know they can rely on you - which means that you show you are telling the truth and that you too feel their disappointment.

I take your point. However, fours years of making up stories for them is beginning to wear me out. Whenever I make up something, I feel a wedge slowly working itself between me and the kids. I wish they would understand, but alas they are still too young. I've done all the simple stuff years ago, mummys got a cold, mummy's not well enough to do the nice stuff with you, mummy's trying but she has some serious or less so serious issues that stop her coming etc etc.

I think honesty is absolutely key from now on.

If she doesn't turn up and they ask you why, tell them "I don't know I'm afraid". And then what sixlostmonkeys said sounds brilliant to me.

Yes it will be hard on them but honesty is imo far better. If they can't rely on their mum, it is all the more important that they can turn to you for the truth.

I can understand what you say about a wedge coming between you and the kids when you make up stuff about their mum because it does almost put you and their mum 'against' them whereas the reality is that YOU are the one they can rely on and she is the one who is letting them down. Don't put yourself in a position where they trust you less because of her - after all you are the one doing all the hard work!

I think you can be very honest with them without giving over much 'adult' information, personally.

I think the time has come to stop doing the running around, if she wants to see her children let her make the effort, let her come to you for them so that they know when she does not turn up it is not your fault.

Introduce them slowly to the truth they need to know.

I agree that you shouldn't be making up stories, they will feel that they aren't true even if they don't know why and so it may affect the trust between you.

I just tell my two SS's that some people aren't very good at being parents, and their mum is one of them. They are 3 and 4 and she walked out on them when they were 15 months and 4 months so they aren't too bothered.

Just be honest with them, they deserve the truth and you deserve their respect, not her.

This very situation happened to me recently.I had made tons and tons of excuses up for ds bio dad,never called him names,did nothing except make my ds10 think he had a half decent dad (I say half decent as my ds is 10 and has known himself for years he either comes home upset or his bio dad won't turn up most the time)so I'd make up alot of excuses for him as I didnt want ds upset at what a dick his bio dad was and thought he was too young to know any truths(wanted him to form his own opinions from what he knew).It has bitten me on the bum big time.Dont want to say too much but his bio dad had left me in a situation where he slagged me off to ds majorly,part of it was he said that I had kept my ds away from him and didnt want ds to spend time with him(if it wasnt for me arranging times and so forth he would NEVER of got to see him).I cried my eyes out for the night as I couldnt believe the bullshit he told ds and wished so much I hadnt given ds excuses on his bio dads behalf.If I could go back I dont think i would make things "as" rosey for ds about bio dad.I eventually got a very mild solicitor letter out to prove to ds that it is through me that he still got to see his bio dad,and had to explain alot of things to him but in a childs way.I would advise most people to do this now.you dont have to put the other person down but if she doesnt turn up just say be honest and say I dont know why she hasnt come lads,and then go treat them or do something to take their mind off it.I have kept all my solicitors letters from the years gone by because I know when ds is older bio dad will have another go at blaming me.

I would advise treating them in the same manner I treat my own DC in so far as I don't tell DC the ins and outs of the split but nor do I hide rows, discussions, about DC etc. All questions are answered honestly and frankly.

Perhaps it is time for a sit down "do you want to ask daddy any thing about mummy" session? It does pay dividends.

Good luck.

Tell the truth in an age-appropriate way and without going into too much detail but tell the truth. Also, stress to them that it's not their fault that their mum doesn't see them. Children often assume that if one parent is unreliable or otherwise absent then it's because there's something wrong with themselves and their parent doesn't want to see them. You need to make sure they know that's not true. And you have to keep telling them that. Your DCs are old enough to hear this.

It is vitally important that your DCs know that even if they can't depend on their mother that they can depend on you. And that makes honesty all the more important.

My DCs know that the reason they don't get to see their mum sometimes is because she has a drink problem. They don't know the full extent of that drink problem or what went on in my relationship with their mum but they do know that when mummy's drunk, they don't get to see her. They also (hopefully) know that their mum's drink problems are nothing to do with them.

If I were in your shoes I'd also think hard about reigning back your efforts to keep your ex in your DCs' lives. Unless she's absolutely incapable of travelling herself, she needs to put some effort in herself. You cannot force a reluctant non-res parent to see children if they don't want to.

I'd also go along with a "Is there anything you want to ask me about your mum" conversation. And don't just do it once, do it regularly.

i guess that I spent time hoping for reconciliation . For a few years I've been putting my own needs ahead of my children. Granted, my condition has cleared somewhat and I'm beginning to properly dust myself down emotionally and as a result I am now far more child-centred in what I do and say. I should certainly stop the often wasted trips. Every 2 or three weeks the boys give up their weekend escape from the constraints of school-life only to face disappointment. They probably won't even notice after a few months, indeed, might even start understanding that it's not down to me or them.

I hope I'm going to enjoy this "Mumsnet" place, good start methinks. Thanks for the advice people.

It can get a bit scary in AIBU sometimes, take a stroll around the other boards, post - and welcome.

My god I feel for you. I've been a lone mum since my DDs were a babe in arms of a few weeks old and a 2yo. I started from a position of complete honesty with my daughters for fear of the very problem that you now face. I know that my view is not a popular one on MN and often when speaking of it I've been criticised by other members for telling it as it is to my children.

But it's worked for us. My ex husband has behaved deplorably towards the girls, going absent for years, reappearing for an hour a month to talk to me about his life and not to his children and they know him for what he is and don't hold me responsible for his behaviour or indifference towards them.

I wouldn't change it if I had my time again and do I can only advise complete honesty.... but, as I said, mine will not be the popolar opinion.

I wish you and yours all the happiness in the world.

AitchGee - what are the daft excuses that you make up? Are they "Mum's at work" or something like that?

Personally, having been a single mum twice and also a step-mum of a kid who was left with me by both parents I would say that Number 1 is making sure they know that it is about the absent parent rather than about them.

It is OK to do this as long as you are not bitchy about it or put your own ego into it.

For example with DS1 I said "your Dad was too young for him to parent properly, I think he is doing his best, but he has his own problems. It is better to have contact on your terms rather than his. Let me know what they are and I will make arrangements".

With DSD (who was 12 when I got her) I said "you have been dealt a really bad hand when it comes to parents I am afraid. They love you but you are better off day to day with me. We will work on contact with them when you are ready, not when they are".

With DS2 I said "your Dad loves you but he is best as a weekend Dad as he finds it easier to concentrate on you at the weekends but you can call him everyday".

We are a licorice allsorts family!

Number 1 is protect yourself and your kids from unpredictability. Carry on with your own family life and if they turn up, fab. Be nice, give them a cup of tea and a piece of cake and leave the room. If they are really unpredictable I would stay home to watch TV and have pizza without telling the kids why you are staying home.

I most certainly would not move my arse one inch to take the kids anywhere to see any of their parents. I do enough. They know where we live.

@Whatever17 (what are the daft excuses that you make up? Are they "Mum's at work" or something like that?)

What I'd give for the simplicity :)

As I'm a morning person and it's now morning and the sun's shining brightly. I can happily explain the type of circumstance that makes me lie to the boys.

Ex has problem with drink/drugs, a tad mixed up at times. 6 months back she entered a period of self-harm. Unfortunately, chose the moment that the boys were playfully running around the room on a previous contact that she actually showed up to.

She slit her wrist and pumped blood over me and the eldest boy.

I luckily managed to tell the boys that she hurt herself just before when she was making dinner in the kitchen and the wound must have opened again. They "seemed" to believe me. Last month, the younger said to me "why did you hurt mummy" I was pretty much devastated that the story was developing in a direction critical of me.

How truthful is truthful? Whatever17

PS... the above isn't completely typical, just an example of probably the worst it got over the years. Everyone is allowed a nervous breakdown once in one's life :)

Mood's changing, school run elert!! I'll expand later