......to keep my discussions of death very low key with my 3 year old?

[guiltyparent]

I have just returned from the vet and to cut a long story short she has said that our cat probably will not survive until the end of the week. The cat is very old and although I am very sad my main concern is discussing the topic with our 3 year old DS.
We do have a copy of Goodbye Mog which I know others on a similar thread have recommended but I know I will cry if I read it to him and i think this will upset him too much.
My gut feeling is to not make a big deal of it and just say she got very poorly and tired and went to sleep forever and then just see what questions he asks.
Should I let him say goodbye or just tell him afterwards if it comes to that? Any advice is gratefully received.

Finding the balance between gentle, low key honesty and TMI is quite tough, so yes, give the basic honest details (agree about things like 'going to sleep') and don't be afraid of the word 'dead' (or death, dying, died) and its okay to cry. They need to feel unashamed of crying as well, and I think if you DO cry and then STOP its shows a small child its okay to express emotion AND okay to stop.

My 3 year old is a little TOO interested in death... our cat keeps bringing rabbits into our yard, they're already dead but the cat will eat the entire thing over a few hours, my 3 yr old likes to find the rabbit, watch the cat eating it and then running in the house to tell me that its now 'got no brain and has gone to the stars'.

Sorry for your cat, its okay for you to be sad and cry, but don't be too surprised if the grief is shrugged off like it was when I sat my two kids down to tell them about the untimely death of swishy the fish (not the cat's doing), they shrugged it off, asked what was for tea and then wanted to know if we could get a dog.

He also may not realise death is permanent. My youngest certainly used to play games in which somebody or something died, was taken to the Hospital and was then all better. If you have a partner or older children, do get them to explain why Mummy is upset (and explain why they maybe upset). Let him know it is okay to be upset, but also okay to not be very upset.

My DD is 3, almost 4, and we recently had to deal with the death topic for a member of the family. I couldn't hide it from her, because it was causing me to cry, and she obviously needed to know why mummy was so sad. She actually took it amazingly well, and even came to the funeral with us. She asked if she could see the body, but was fine when we said that dead bodies aren't very nice to look at. She accepted the fact that the body was going to be buried (it wasn't, but I thought the concept of cremation might be going one step too far) because the person didn't need their body anymore and now it was going to help nourish the ground so new trees could grow.

Truth be told, I was blown away by how well she handled the whole thing. Now obviously every child is different, but if your DS is capable of sitting down and having a sensible grown up conversation with you, I think you might surprise yourself by how well they can take these things.

So sorry to hear about your cat. We had our pet rat put down last year . We prepared DS1 (who was then 3 and a bit) for what would happen by telling him that the rat was very ill (too ill for the vet to make better) and talking about dead animals we'd seen. We didn't really say very much but answered questions he had.

When it came to the final vet trip we did it in secret (well I wasn't going to be the bitch who murdered his pet - there's no way he would have understood that bit!) and then "found" the rat dead in the cage, told him she had died and asked if he wanted to see her. He stroked her body, asked questions and then helped us customise a cardboard box for her.

We burried her in the garden and DS1 still talks about her now. He didn't seem at all traumatised by it but he was sad (probably in part because we were so sad). I couldn't talk about it without crying (I did love that rat but also I was dealing with pregnancy hormones!) however I don't think that my crying about it bothered DS1. DH did handle most of it though!

I'm not saying that this is how to handle it - you know your DS best - but it worked for us. I hope that you find a way to handle it that works for you.

DS is almost 4 and also very curious about death. My effing brother's dog killed our rabbit a few weeks ago and he was pretty nonchalant about it, though if our dog or someone close to him died it would be different.

We are religious, so we have told him that people's spirits go to God while their bodies turn back into earth to feed the plants. If you're not into the whole God bit you could leave that out.

I'm sorry about your cat, btw. :(

I am really sorry to hear about your cat. As a vet and a pet owning Mum this is a situation I encounter fairly commonly. As others have said using 'going sleep' can leave some small children with a fear of sleeping themselves.
I used Goodbye dear Mog with my DD (2.5years at the time) and I did cry, I used this as a chance to discuss that it was okay to be sad at losing our cat.
I am a great believer that one of the reasons we have pets and children is allow them to encounter death before it is a human. I have allowed my DD to see all of our pets afterwards to help understand the it's just a body and they are not there any more.
Don't be surprised or hurt if your DS moves on fast. The other week I put down an elderly bunny and after she had gone the children came into say good bye to her. As they left I heard one of the children - about 3.5years- saying so can we get a hamster now.

Thank you all, a bit belatedly. Just to follow up and maybe as a help to anyone else who may read this... Our cat died that afternoon and we did take our DS to say goodbye. He was very matter of fact about the whole thing. He did have a good cry when we told him she was going to die but i think this was mainly because we were crying. Since then he has asked where she is a few times but seems to accept that she has died and he won't see her again. Many thanks again to you all.

I don't know if you're still around OP, but thanks for coming back on. I think we're about to go through the same with our cat and 3yo DC. This thread has been a great help.

I think that the "gone to sleep" thing can be fine if it is explained in the right way. ie that the animal/person was very old, and very tired and eventually when we are very very old we go to sleep for the last time. I was 2 when my maternal grandparents died, within a year of each other, and I was simply told that they had gone to sleep peacefully because they were old and they were not in any pain now. I know it didnt worry me too much at that age..

I think younger children are more immune than older ones and death can have more upsetting effect on an 9/10yo who has more understanding of mortality.