To hate having this spitefully thrown up at me...

[Bathsheba]

My DH has Aspergers and (although undiagnosed) Paranoid Personality Disorder and possibly other things.

When he is stressed at work, all these things remain a lot less hidden than normally.

I am on medication for anxiety (40mg citalopram) because of how difficult I find it sometimes living with him, esp when he is stressed and paranoid.

Anyway, thats the background.

Argument yesterday over a very simple thing - our 2 older DDs have a dance show at the end of next month. The logistics of this are HORRIFIC and frankly because its so complicated and he is so strerssed at the moment I haven't bothered to tell him all the whats whys and wherefores (well actually I did, I EMAILED him all the whats whys and wherefores) but essentially I took it to the lowest common denominator of "Your Mum goes on Tuesday and we go on Thursday".

These tickets have now been booked and paid for,

When he was on the phone to his mother explaining this, he suddenly wanted to know, in the middle of a phone call, with his mum asking him questions on the other end of the phone, what and why and how all this was working and wasd I absolutely sure that I had bought tickets for the night they were both performing (DD2 id only in 3 of the performanaces because she is so little whereas DD1 is in all 6)...to which I said, as he was in the middle of a phone call - "Its alright, its all sorted, its complicated".

He got off the phone and started wanting to know why I was being so rude and snappy and why I wouldn;t answer a simple question (which he hadn't actually asked me despite hims saying he had - he insists he said "What about DD2, is that a night she is performing" - that might of been what he meant to say and it might have been what his Mum was saying to him on the phone, but all he said to me was DD2's name, and I was supposed to know from that what the whole question was.

Within seconds it became I was unreasonable, I was so rude and so hurtful - I DID say that I hadn't told him all the logistics as frankl;y he'd stop listening half way through and I'd need to tell him again, thats why I emailed him the details.

And his parting shit, shouted from the kitchen was "You need to get yourself back to the doctor"...

I can't cope with my mental health being questioned every time I show any emotion, or am hormonal, or he perceives I have done something "wrong". I was at the Drs a couple of weeks ago and, while she isn't going to take me off my medication at the moment, she is happy to leave meon my current dose until I feel I can cope without it.

It just upsets me so much to continually have my mental health questioned all the time....

Sorry if I am not understanding this, so to clarify ... you are on medication for anxiety caused by your husband. Very understandble. But he is questioning YOUR mental health if something goes wrong, yet he is the one with SN? Is that right? If so he is being a twat and abusive to you. I dont think I could stick around with him behaving like this. What effect does it have on your DCs?

Sorry I can't offer any real advice on your situation, other than it must be difficult for you, but an old saying of my Nanas springs to mind - that is -

"People hate most in others, what they hate about themselves"

I think its quite likely your DH is questioning your mental health, simply because he can right now, but really, deep down its his own inadequacy to understand that he really has a problem with - not you - out of order yes, but he's hiding behind a "fact" that makes him feel a little bit better about himself - I'd suggest maybe reminding him how hurtful it is when someone belittles HIM over his different way of thinking & leave it at that - good luck :)

'but all he said to me was DD2's name, and I was supposed to know from that what the whole question was.'

Not that it's probably particularly helpful at this moment in time, but that's soooo common with Asperger's, you're supposed to be psychic don't you know, lol

You're not being unreasonable at all to find him making comments about your mental health hurtful.

To him it is probably as simple as, you're being irrational (as far as he is concerned), you've had a mental health issue, so that's what's behind it - or he is just going for maximum damage in an argument.

Either way, it's not ok to do that and you need to tell him so, not when you're still upset about it, but calmly and bluntly at another point.

IMO anyway.

Yep - thats exactly the situation. He has SN, he is receive currently no treatment (he has in the past for depression, anxiety and paranoia), and yet at every turn its MY ability to cope, and MY mental health that he queries. I would prefer it if he blamed everything on my hormones etc, but he refuses to acknowledge thinbgs like weepiness and PMS as ahormonal, that just shouldn't be happening and if I'm grumpy or short tempered with my period due its just another sign that my mentla health is failing.

When he is stressed the girls suffer, esp DD2 as she is a touch more spirited that the eldest - she needs just a bit more special understanding, and he just shouts at her all the time when he is stressed, if she ever makes a noise etc. DD1 tends to just play with her DS (the computer gamey thing, not a son that she has...) and DD3 is just teeny little (16 months) so he knows nothing is her fault.

I interpret your husbands behaviour as abusive, so thought I would check I was on the right lines first! Below is the definition of DV from Women's Aid website. You are aware he is being nasty, the real problem is how are you going to tackle it? I suggest you call them. Good luck.

What are the signs of domestic violence?
?Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
?Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
?Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
?Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
?Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
?Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
?Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
?Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
?Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
?Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.