to be furious with my husband?

[jojomo]

I'm 39 weeks pregnant on Wednesday. My dh is sleeping in the spare room as I can't get comfortable and disturb him etc etc. He also smokes a couple of roll up cigarettes a day which I hate and have nagged him about during the pregnancy - it's a real flash point for us. I have been using the spare room to collect all the baby stuff which I have washed and folded etc on the changing unit which is in there and the window sill. I have expressly asked dh NOT TO SMOKE in that room and he promised me that he would have his last cigarette of the day in the garage or outside. I trusted him. When I got up to go to the loo last night I could smell cigarette smoke in the hallway outside the spare room and of course went in to find that he had been smoking 'out of the window'. I went ballistic. I now have to re-wash everything for the baby as I can't bear the thought of the smoke being on the clothes etc and I am LIVID with dh for being so thoughtless so close to me going into labour. I am planning a homebirth and so need to feel secure and safe in this environment and now I just want to throw him out of it.

He is very sorry but that just isn't going to cut it with me right now.

Have I go things out of perspective here?

YANBU

Ask him to wash the baby clothes as you can't face doing them again

Ask him to suggest a plan for his smoking.

Don't slip into to routine of you setting rules that he then breaks. If this is a true partnership then you should jointly agree how you want things to be and if he fucks up then he sorts out the mess.

Well if he was smoking out of the window I'm sure the clothes don't smell at all

and if they do get him to wash them

but tbh it is his home too

did he smoke when you met him and married him?

My sister hates my bil smokingbut when they got together he was a smoker so it was her choice to continue the relatiionship etc

No, I'd be furious too. I hate smoking, but it's the complete disregard of your wishes and your trust, as well as the implication that your time and effort are worthless, that would grate the most.

Get him to re wash all the baby stuff.

God I would be furious. My DP still smoked a couple a day when we had our first baby (he's given up now thank god) but only outside and at night when he wouldn't be around DS - because it is harmful to the baby to have smoke around/in the house. He needs to understand that properly - he is endangering the baby - yes maybe only slightly, but it's avoidable and it's important to you.

Practically speaking, could you swap so that you sleep in the spare room and he stays in your room? That of course does NOT mean he can have a fag out of the window, but it might help you to feel you are making a safe nest for your baby and keeping it as a special place. If you have a bed in there that you can use, it will make sense after the baby is born too, to use it sometimes, especially at first.

I would be angry too.Tell him to smoke outside if he must do it. Inside the house is just yukk when you have a baby coming.Very inconsiderate man.

Yes, it's inconsiderate of him, but have you been nagging constantly about him smoking at all? If so, you need to stop that, just agree the rules ie that he only smokes outside. Nagging will not make a smoker stop smoking. It's up to him whether he smokes or not, the only thing you can insist on is where the smoking takes place ie n in the house.

He's got to get used to smoking outside. I gave up when pregnant (found it easy as the thought made me sick) but DH still smoked... one of the first things we did was 'build' a smoking shelter in the garden - its actuall just half a shed, nothing fancy, but far enough from the house so I never smelled smoke during the whole pregnancy.

Stupidly I started smoking again, but neither of us smoke in the house. It would be too easy to say 'smoke in the doorway of the kitchen' as one bad night, you'll be sat in the kitchen, then that will become habit and before you know you'll find yourself smoking inside regularly again.

I'd be angry too in your situation. I never understood how my mum knew I smoked because I was always very careful to lean out of the window... DUH, it wafts back in. Buy a cheap Gazebo, put table and chairs under it, that is the only smoking area.... let him smoke there whenever he wants (unless the baby's in the garden) but once that's in place, warn him that there will be hell to pay if he ever smokes in the house again.

I have a husband who smokes. Nagging a smoker to quit is NOT going to work, I am sorry but it just doesn't (I have tried and failed ) but I say this as an ex smoker as well.

However, you do need to set ground rules and sit and discuss it along the lines of

'OK I want you to know how much I hate you smoking and how much I feel offended by it and wish, for our child's sake you would quit. However, I am going to stop nagging but you have to agree to some ground rules:

1. Smoke outside or in the garage at ALL times, it is a risk to our child
2. After smoking wash your hands, (if he wants to know why show him evidence of risks of picking up a child having just smoked).

If you have ground rules (that he sticks to) then you don't need to argue about it. Don't let it ruin your marriage, it will get worse when you are seriously sleep deprived.

Also, as someone else suggested, make him wash those clothes!!! Don't do it for him.

YANBU. I was the moker in our family, and I always smoked outside, because it was my choice to poison my own lungs, not anybody else's [/smug ex-smoker]

I'd be fuming (pardon the pun!) not only that he did it, but that he deliberately chose to disrespect something I'd specifically asked him.

if you think because you smoke out of the window it doesnt smell you are deluded

three times shopping in Sainsburys this weekend, I passed people and though phew, smelly smoker - and Im not an anti smoking evangelist, if they do it, its up to them, it just must have been quite strong to pervade my shopping focus

Make him do the washing, but be prepared for him to think you are going slightly OTT.

I smoke but don't do it inside. There is no harm in enforcing a 'not in the house rule'. That's surely what will happen when the baby arrives anyway?

I totally agree with compo..........

Speaking as an ex -smoker I can guarantee , nag all you like about DH giving up smoking - he will only be able to give up when HE wants to, really wants to, not coz someone else wants him to!

YANBU

You can't make him give up (I've been longing for my DP to give up smoking since I got pregnant with DD and she's nearly 4 now) that's up to him, and from what I can see as a non smoker he wont have much success with quitting unless he wants to quit.

However, imo he shouldn't be smoking anywhere in the house, at all ever. No exceptions, no excuses. My DP does not smoke inside at all and knows he will be on the business end of a hissyfit if it turns out he has, especially if he chooses to do it in the room where all the baby stuff is being stored. (I'm due in 3 weeks with DC2) You are well within your right to have a right old go at him for that and make him wash everything again so it doesn't smell of fags.