aibu to expect the worse?

[EmotionalMess2011]

This is my first thread so please dont be too brutal! Im not sure what to put this in, it seems like it could belong to, pregnancy, miscarriage,aibu so thought id add it here so to get as much perspective as possible.
I am currently 18weeks pregnant, but after suffering two mc. i am trying to prepare myself for what might happen this time. so for a few weeks i have been looking online for anything to do with late mc/still birth including pictures, vidios, testimonials iv even gone as far as finding out about funerals for realy prem babies and so on.
Dh is very unhappy with me doing this, and thinks it is just me and my negative attitude. I do realise that i scare myself but i cant help but want to be prepared for what i might have to go through. I felt so helpless the first time as i was so unprepared for what might go wrong so i felt i was able to deal with the second one because i new the drill type thing (i realise how awful that sounds but i cant word it better) now i feel like because i know any loss that we go through now (being later in pregnancy) will be totally different to anything wev experianced before, i just want to be aware of what to do, what i will see, choices ect... so aibu or should i just let whatever happen, happen?

YANBU to be scared and to want to be able to seize any type of control you can, even if that means you have to dwell on the negative.

But YABU (a bit) to expect your DH to play along. This is his baby too and to him he's probably thinking you don't even want the baby to be able to be thinking this way (I don't believe that for one minute BTW).

Did you get any counselling or help for your miscarriages and how far along were they?

Please stop torturing yourself.

I had similar fears when pregnant with DD2 after two mcs, didn't think I'd be 'allowed' the happiness of having two DC.

You're trying to minimise the pain if anything happens, I can understand that, but you really should try to rein it in and think along the lines of 'I'll cross that bridge if I ever come to it'.

DD2's 16 months now, and I still can't believe we've got her

Whatever you do now won't change the future, so be kinder to yourself!

helloooo.

i am worried that this is possibly not the best place for this post - perhaps better in pregnancy? aibu tends to get a little intense sometimes.

some friendly advice. please just stop using the computer. you will drive yourself insane this way.

for complicated reasons, i was given a 50/50 chance of loss for my last pregnancy starting at 14 weeks and ending at 30 weeks. i knew i was high risk, but that i had to rest and not stress. i'd had an mmc at 10 weeks but this was a different order of stress and worry. it was so difficult, i dealt with it literally one day at a time - didn't allow myself to imagine anything further than that day, i was just happy every day i woke up and my baby was still ok. i know it sounds really simplistic, but it allowed me to turn my brain off (and i am usually a real worrier) and live in the now. it meant i didn't buy anything for the baby until very late in my pregnancy, but it also gave me the space to deal with the stress of the high risk. this approach might help you with some of the anxiety you have.

i also stopped googling. completely. nothing i learned on a google search ever made me feel any better about what was happening.

ds is now nearly 6 months, my little miracle man . just please give yourself a break and turn off the computer (incl mumsnet if you have to). i learned that nothing you will find on the internet will make you feel any better, and will give you a falsely high impression of the likelihood of complications. at 18 weeks, you are now very unlikely to lose your little bean. please chill out and enjoy this time, one day at a time. it's difficult after losses I know, but you will feel much better for it.

I had an ectopic pregnancy before I had dd and I spent the whole of my pregnancy with dd convinced something would go wrong and I wouldn't be bringing my baby home. I think it contributed to me suffering PND as I was not remotely prepared for having a baby - well I had all the stuff but I mean mentally and the anxiety that something bad would happen continued after the birth.
I agree with what a pp said. You need to try and stop torturing yourself. IF something bad happened no amount of preparing will make much difference to your distress. Try and focus on the fact that at 18 weeks - even after 2 mc -the overwhelming likelihood is that you will have a full-term, healthy, baby so you need to be prepared for that above anything else.

Thanks for not telling me im awful and ghoulish!
whomoved -i was 11weeks with the first but only 7weeks with second, i never got councilling i didnt even go back for further checks afterwards which i am hugely regretting now, to be honest i think i got depressed and just didnt know how to deal with it, still not sure how to deal with it if i am honest

zigzag -thanks its really lovly that it worked out for you! sort of adds abit of hope for us! im just not the type of person who could deal with it if it happend, it would destroy me as im really not a strong person, im just lucky that my dh is! i feel abit sick in the head searching online for pics of dead tiny babies but i just dont want the shock of dealing with such an unknown thing! i genuinly feel awful doing it but still do

sorry i have x posted! Thankyou for shareing your experiances and advice! i honestly do want with all my heart for this to work out as i am completely in love with my litle baby already! i think i do need to stay away from google if i can! Dh has actually threatened to take laptp away to stop me doing this. i kind of wish he would tbh. thankyou, and sorry if i sound like a really sad, depressed victim, im really not trying to be, and im actually very lucky to have what i have already in life, my Dh is amazing and a total rock

I can honestly say that with both my DDs I expected them to 'leave me' just about all the time, for a long time.

After DD2 was born I was still having nightmares about something happening to her, thankfully some lovely posters in chat told me it was a totally normal manifestation of the fears a mum has to live with to be able to do such an amazing thing as produce another person.

That fear doesn't really go away (DD1's 10 now), but you have to rationalise it, and it makes you not take them for granted (and not be so pissed off when they're being a PITA ).

You're not alone in feeling like you do, talk to your DP about how you feel, and if you feel able, to your doctor, neither will judge you and will want to put your mind at ease.

Yes lunatic! Doom. That's exactly the word for it, a sense of impending doom.

I wonder if pregnancy hormones contribute to it.

lunatic- im so so sorry for what you have been through! i feel awful now, this was why i didnt put it in the mc section. i really hope its not offended you (or anyone else)

Generally if you are going to miscarry it happens before 12 weeks. Now that you have reached 18 weeks you have already passed the stage whereby it might be a factor.

I think you are doing yourself no favours by looking stuff up on the net, you may even find this causes you not to bond with your unborn child for fear of losing it.

You are in a better position now more than ever before to go full term.

I'm 18 weeks pregnant too, I've never miscarried (touch wood) but I do know from other health things that constant googling just leads to more worry. You need to level it out by thinking about the positives too.

I do think it's normal to worry during any pregnancy. I keep fretting even though I've not really had anything to worry about.

Why don't you join the October ante-natal thread? There are other people on there who have been through the same as you. It helps to read and share aches/pains/twinges, and then hear everyone else say "Don't worry, I've felt that way too." Then we also talk about the practical things, like where to buy maternity clothes and whether all OH's veto any name suggestions but fail to come up with any they like!

October thread

YANBU to be scared and to feel you are preparing yourself in some way shoult the worst happen.

I did read that many people do this as a superstitious way of trying to prevent it (whatever they are worried about) from happening and to feel in control of something they are frightened of.

I lost our first baby late in pregnacy and it was completely out of the blue. I was so scared when they told me our son had died and I didn't think I could cope with giving birth to a baby I knew had died. When we lost our second baby, our daughter, to prematurity at 22 weeks I felt that at least I knew what to expect. It didn't make it any better but I felt numbed rather than frightened, if that makes sense. We lost the babies for different reasons but we did go on to have our LO from my third pregnancy, with no problems whatsoever.

Does your hospital have a bereavement midwife you can speak to? She will have experience of this and she will be able to help you. Otherwise have you used the miscarraige association forum? I am sure they will be able to help and support you and have members who have been through similar losses and then gone on to another pregnancy and will probably have a "pregnancy after a loss" area where you will be supported by people going through the same thing and with the same fears.