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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit miffed because I cant afford to go to a friends wedding?

24 replies

loopylou6 · 22/05/2011 14:20

In the invitation she has put a note saying that they already have everything they need but are welcoming cash gifts to put towards a honeymoon.

Now we are extremely skint, DH on Esa as he's awaiting an op and every penny is accounted for at the mo. I would have liked to of gone but wouldn't go unless I had money for them. Makes me a bit sad really.

(If you're gonna flame do it lightly am feeling delicate )

OP posts:

HandMini · 22/05/2011 14:22

I think it's fine to go to the wedding and not contribute cash to a gift. Make her a cake or have her over for a celebratory lunch once she's back from honeymoon. If you were my friend, I would rather you came to the wedding, gift or no gift.

bupcakesandcunting · 22/05/2011 14:26

Unless your friend is a fuckwit, she'll not expect a cash gift from a skint mate.

Go to the wedding. I'd rather have a friend with no gift present on my big day than no friend. I think most brides would.

Why don't you ring her and tell her that you're a bit strapped and offer her and her DH to be your services for babysitting if they have kids, clean their house and make it welcoming for when they return from honeymoon (my friend did this for us, it was really appreciated) OR why don't you make a secret scrapbook of the wedding? Get guests to write notes in it, stick in a copy of the order of service/menu, pictures taken with a disposable camera etc etc.

Icelollycraving · 22/05/2011 14:26

If it's a close friend,I'm sure she realises your financial predicament. Why not offer to help in some way for the wedding as your gift? I know if a friend couldn't come because of not buying me a gift,I'd feel awful that they felt they had to.

Grumpla · 22/05/2011 14:27

Me too. She invited YOU, not your wallet!

AgentZigzag · 22/05/2011 14:27

Flame you for what? Being skint?

Hardly your fault, YANBU being miffed at not being able to afford to go to your friends wedding.

So the reason you're not going because you can't afford to give them a gift?

I'm sure they'd much rather you be there than get cash, and not just be saying it to be polite.

You should go to the wedding and not apologise for not being able to give them anything towards their honeymoon, it wouldn't be because you're being tight and you don't need to justify or explain how strapped you are at the min, it's nobodys business but yours.

ashamedandconfused · 22/05/2011 14:28

agree with HM - surely if you can go without creating vast expense, you should go, to share the celebration of their vows etc, it is not compulsory to give what they ask for (especially when cash which can be compared too easily with othr givers) and you can get a small token gift very cheaply without it looking cheap, or do the voucher for a meal at yours or something

if they are friends they want your presence not your present

Pixieonthemoor · 22/05/2011 14:29

If she is a good friend, I am sure she will understand and would rather you were there on her special day. Do you have a camera? How about taking it and photographing throughout the day and then doing an album? Not v expensive but touching all the same. Or if developing and and album are too expensive, email or give her the memory card??

thisisyesterday · 22/05/2011 14:31

I would feel AWFUL if a friend of mine felt she couldn't come to my wedding just because she had no gift/cash to give me

your friend wants YOU there, not your money, surely you can see that?

and if she doesn't then she isn't a very nice friend and you sholdn't worry about not going

Original poster

loopylou6 · 22/05/2011 14:32

Thanks ladies, I love those ideas :)

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 22/05/2011 14:34

You are being daft.

Get them a lovely card, go along and enjoy yourself. They want you to share their day, not shower them with a gift.

You would be right to be miffed if you hadnt received an invite because she thought you were too skint to get her a pressie, but she hasnt done that.

cowboyboots · 22/05/2011 14:36

not much of a friend then if you think she will mind about you being skint

dinkystinky · 22/05/2011 14:43

Honestly, she wants you there - not your contribution to her honeymoon fund. A nice card would be appreciated - and the fact you made it given everything going on with your DH (hope he gets his op soon by the way). As we had everything we wanted, we suggested trailfinders vouchers if any one asked if we had a gift list - and any voucher given to us, of any value, was gratefully appreciated. Plenty of people didnt give vouchers and gave something else, and each time that was gratefully received. I would have been mortified if our friends didnt come because they thought they couldnt give a big financial gift - we wanted them there on our special day and

fluffles · 22/05/2011 14:49

don't be silly, she won't expect you to contribute.

we had a 'if you want to buy us something then responsible travel vouchers for a honeymoon' list... but we did NOT at all expect everyone to contribute, and didn't even ever match the list against the invitation list, people were very generous but i didn't ever work out who didn't give anything, i don't care.

one friend who is a phd student gave us an artistic gift from her travels which was lovely too... we just didn't want lots of 'household' stuff.

zukiecat · 22/05/2011 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrillianAstra · 22/05/2011 19:25

You can afford to go.

You just can't afford to give an expensive present.

EggyAllenPoe · 22/05/2011 19:38

please go!

although i asked for contribs as gifts, that's jsut because i didn't want a pile of overpriced blandness from John Lewis, not because i viewed a contribution as mandatory. Guests make the wedding - every friend that attended mine improved the occasion!

Happylander · 22/05/2011 19:42

We asked for money at our wedding so we could go on a honeymoon but we certainly didn't expect people to give us any. I couldn't have cared less about the money I just wanted my friends there and some said they would love to come but couldn't afford to give us any money. I did not for one minute think badly of them for not giving us anything and was damn pleased they came.
PLEASE GO!

tiredfeet · 22/05/2011 19:42

I would hate to think someone missed my wedding because they couldn't afford to give a present, and I am sure your friend would feel the same. As others have said, I have no idea whether everyone gave me a present anyway, I didn't check names off against invites as I wrote thank you cards.

Some of the gift suggestions here are lovely ideas if you feel a need to give something though. Just emailing some digital snaps is a great idea as its so lovely to have lots of unofficial and informal photos. My friend emailed me some pictures of my son as my birthday present and it made my day!

PedigreeChump · 22/05/2011 20:04

Can you get her a couple of second hand books about her honeymoon destination? Maybe £1-3 spent if from a secondhand book shop, wrap them up nicely with a wee card. Or if they are readers, maybe some books you thought they might like to read while away?

I would explain to her that money is tight, she is bound to understand and want you there no matter what.

bubblecoral · 22/05/2011 20:11

Definately go, you don't have to give a gift. A lovely card will be gratefully recieved.

Two of our guests didn't give us a wedding gift, one was a single bloke that it would never have occured to, and the other was unemployed at the time. The first guy is lovely, and we know he is a true friend, so a gift was irrelevant, and the guy that was unemployed still made the effort to come to our wedding and share our day. That honestly means more to us, knowing that he would have spent money on petrol, than the £70 gift DH's parents friends gave us when we didn't care whether they were there or not.

risingstar · 22/05/2011 20:15

friendships are a marathon- i have a friend who i could not buy a wedding gift for.

fast forward 4 years, i was back at work- she had her first and was skint. it gave me great pleasure to give her her wedding gift- a new high chair and car seat!

she had no memory at all of us not buying a wedding gift but was pleased as punch!

go- buy a card-at some point you will probably have the chance to get her a gift/time/help when she most needs it.

peppamum · 22/05/2011 20:23

None of my DH's 2 brothers or 2 step sisters even bought us a card for our wedding, not for reasons of skintness, not really sure why and in fact his brothers wore jeans! I haven't held it against any of them. I'm just glad they were at the wedding - thats why we invited them.

startail · 22/05/2011 21:22

If she's a proper friend she'll want to see you and won't care if you can't give her a gift or afford a new dress.
I got married while I was still a student, all my guests were skint it was just lovely that so many of them managed to get there.

Converse · 22/05/2011 21:50

Go to the wedding and take a gift you can afford, e.g. something consumable or that it doesn't matter if you have more than one, like wine, chocolates or a garden plant.

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