to not meet up with old friend/ sons GM visiting from OZ

[onebigchocolatemess]

school friend and husband left for Oz 12ish months ago with a work opportunity. We have both always made the effort to stay in touch since school despite moving in slightly different worlds. Both ended up working on oppersite sides of London so would meet for dinner etc every other month.

The year she got married I had my first DC and was a bridesmaid at her wedding while babe was 10wks old and I was leaking all over the place (ie in a total nappy head sleep deprived mess) and am really proud to have done it as did not want to let her down and she really appreciated it.

They left for Oz 18months later - putting starting a family on hold - when I was about to drop DC2 (unplanned v quick 2nd pg) and hubby and I went up to London (having moved away) for the leaving do to send them off all very happy and again, glad I had made the send off.

Since she has been in Oz we have skyped twice, once about 4wks after DC was born to congratulate us etc and since then I have struggled to get her to commit to a sunday morning slot as this is the only time in the week it works for both of us - but she is hard to pin down.
So I emailed her explaining why this is the best way for me and - from what I can gather Sundays are good for her too but they go away a lot hence needing a date in the diary. She has said her other friends with babies just call her in the mornings with the kids around unplanned - as if to say why cant I.
My second child has been incredibly clingy and whingy for a lot of his first year and my eldest likes to make him cry as a hobby [hmmm] so to leave them for more than 5m call Oz for what would be a catch up chat is just not possible in my head so my only other option is Sunday when DH is home (the only morning he doesn't work) so can watch them and I can enjoy a gossip etc! What is wrong with that?

I am not saying she should bow down to my demands on how we stay in touch I just can't see why its so hard for her to book me in one Sunday morning a month or every two months even?

So anyway I decided to email her instead as I can do that anytime in the evenings etc and I have sent her a quite a few longer emails and have had 2 or 3 line replies (if that) all quite blunt really.

My dad had a heart attack in january and she didn't reply to the email. When I re sent one asking if she had got it she replied straight away with a time to call saying she hadn't got the email but by the time I read the email I had missed the time slot. All very ridiculous.

Anyway, if you're still reading - She is over in the UK and in London 1 wknd in June and we already have an NCT BBQ booked in one day and tickets for a local county show the other day - AIBU to stick to my arrangements and not head up to London to meet her as am feeling a bit sore that she hasn't made any allowances for my situation this last year??!

Not really being unreasonable, no. If she wants to see you, let her make the effort in her schedule to come and visit you.

I would forget all the who's right/who's wrong stuff - do you want to see her?

If you're not bothered and would rather go to the BBQ, then do that. But don't not see her just to punish her.

Totally agree with Rita. Tit for tat, although tempting sometimes, is not a good idea.

Agree with rita which would you rather do? Could she join you?

Yes Rita your words are very wise indeed. Be the bigger person and all that.

She has made it very clear she is over in the UK for a holiday and doesn't want to spend it driving up and down the motorway.

She has family who live 20ms from us and I have asked to see if she is visiting them at all but I get the impression she would rather not.

Its that weekend or nothing

She doesn't have kids, so she doesn't understand. It's the way some people are. One day she will have kids and she will understand. If you want the friendship to continue long term, you should meet up with her. You will definitely kill the friendship if you tell her that you have chosen an NCT BBQ over meeting up with her when she has flown all the way from Oz.

Just a suspicion, but are your emails full of baby chat? If they are, it might explain the short replies - you aren't giving her anything to work with. And some people just don't read their emails, some people don't like typing loads, etc. And she's trying to build a new life for herself in Oz, so she won't necessarily be giving huge priority to friends back in the UK.

Why not just Skype her on a Sunday morning anyway until you get hold of her? Why do you have to arrange an appointment? It does all sound a bit convoluted and over-complicated.

Rise above, be the bigger person, etc, etc but ...

can you slip into the conversation (in a subtle way, not nagging or admonishing so that she takes the huff and doesn't speak to you for 30 years!) that if the pair of you had been in contact more over the past few months and plans made in advance then this clash could have been avoided.
Lay on a guilt trip about her doing her duty by her godchild. [evil grin]

senua I like it

I would be seriously pissed off if anyone tried to get me to commit to skyping every sunday morning. It's too forced, needy, excessive and controlling.

I occasionally skype my friend in the States, more often than not I email but this is sometimes once a week or once a month depending on how much news there is and usually is quite spontaneous.

She lives in a different country and your lives are going to be less involved now by sheer distance and time constraints.

Agree about a commitment to skype - what if she gets an unexpected visit/invite to go out on a Sunday afternoon or her Dh springs a visit/trip on her. Could you not call her when the boys are napping in the afternoon?

I find if I know I am expecting a phonecall from a friend that I can't find anything to say or try to think up loads but if I get an unexpected call it's great to chat!

Also agree about the baby stuff - you say they put family stuff on hold but are you sure they're not trying and not getting pregnant - a friend of mine said she was putting it off and in fact was finding it hard to conceive - it didn't help with all our baby talk over the years. So maybe thats why she's shying away from contact etc

When we visit family/friends overseas our attitude is - right, we've forked out thousands of pounds and flown thousands of miles - so you can travel a few miles up the road to see us.

I have struggled to get her to commit to a sunday morning slot...She has said her other friends with babies just call her in the mornings with the kids around unplanned - as if to say why cant I.

My jaw is actually on the floor reading that. Friendship is supposed to be fun, not a chore with "time slots"

I can understand her not wanting to commit to every sunday but why not the odd one? Also if she really wanted to chat she would just call you on one sunday on the off chance. I think you could've been more flexible and you do sound a bit - 'I've made an effort, she hasn't', but that's friendships. I think it's shit that she hasn't replied properly to any of your e-mails and just gave you a 'window' to skype after your Dad's heart attack though. Also this 'one weekend' or nothing business is very 'me,me,me' of your friend.

Agree with Rita though - do you want to see her? If yes then you will have to accept it. Does sound more like you want her to want to see you, IYKWIM - want her to make an effort for you. Think whatever you do you will feel some resentment - either for cancelling your plans or for her not changing hers. I don;t think there will be any winners unless you can chat to her and explain your feelings- is that possible?

Just to clarify the 'planned' phone calls were only s'posed to be every other months kinda thing - no heavy pressure (and surely no more pressure than arranging a meal out or a play date?!) but just something we could both look forward to (no?)
And in the emails I did always make an effort not to bang on about the kids and my lack of a social life!!

I guess I haven't been in a greatly 'unplanned' place this last year with 2DCs under 3 so routine was the order of the day and the stress of that and the heart attack have made me a little less fun as a mate. Any free time is grabbed with both hands and used up entirely on my bad self Things are obv improving monthly as the kids get older and sleep more.

Ahhh I can see it wouldn't have been an appealing prospect to phone a demented mum of 2 now you say it, and I guess in my emotional state things have got to me a little more than they should have.

Of course I am going to meet her, she's one of my bestest oldest friends. I see that now. I think I was feeling guilty for not being in a place (mentally) where i could just pick up the phone (let alone master the technology of skype) and call her as at this present moment in time our worlds are quite a way apart.

I do think though friendship - like marriage - can be hard work at times. And that she wont ever understand until she has kids too and I move to Oz.....