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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a life?

25 replies

fostermumtomany · 21/05/2011 21:11

im 33..... oh no im not im 34, i have 3 kids aged 9, 11 and 13 and i foster babies. im married and this year will be my 10th anniversary although we have been together since i was 16.
i have not had a night out in 2 years.
hubby is a singer in the pubs and clubs and does very well at it, he goes all over the country and has the odd gig abroad so im alone a lot at weekends.

i also have a couple of illnesses one is fibromyalgia and the other is endometriosis so im often unwell.
i have one or two friends but most of them vanished when my illnesses appeared.
i have nobody to go out with and even if i did i have no babysitter.
is it so wrong of me to want a bit more out of life?

yesterday i asked his mum if she would babysit for us on thursday next week so we could go out for a meal. she was absolutely horrified that i asked her.
i then got a huge great lecture on how nobody babysat for her when her kids were growing up and that she didnt have a night out for 20 years. thing is this is untrue. i know her old babysitter, i have known her for years and when my hubby was 13 he was left every weekend babysitting his younger siblings.
i cannot ask my mum as she is severely disabled as is my father and i have no siblings.
is it so bad to ask her to babysit? and why is she lying to me saying she never had anyone to watch her kids?
im going stir crazy in this house. th eonly place i go is asda once a fortnight. thats it. no really. i dont go anywhere else.
i feel like my life is going past me and before i know i will dead with out ever having a life lived.
what can i do???????

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 21/05/2011 21:14

Can't you leave the dc at home for a couple of hours on their own? I was babysitting babies at 13.

Original poster

fostermumtomany · 21/05/2011 21:15

no my eldest has autism so its not possible to leave him babysitting, plus cos i have a foster baby any babysitter has to be over 18 and have a full crb check

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 21/05/2011 21:15

I'm not suggesting leaving a baby at home but cant see why 11, 13 and 9 cant be at home.

rainbowinthesky · 21/05/2011 21:16

Do you not get respite from the baby?

thisisyesterday · 21/05/2011 21:16

i will babysit for you so you can go out!!!

ok, that might be a bit weird, but would you consider one of the services like sitters.co.uk?

or, ask around at your children's schools and see if anyone has a reliable babysitter they could recommend?

i would also maybe consider doing a hobby or something that means you get out once a week or once a fortnight?
maybe the WI? (i quite fancy joining ours as I like making cakes and knitting ), or a local book group or a course at your local college?
just spomething that gives you some "you time"

JingleMum · 21/05/2011 21:16

i'm really sorry you feel like this. your MIL is out of order, your kids are old enough to probably be no trouble and can more less see to themselves.

make sure you go out next thursday, try and get yourself a babysitter and go out for that well deserved meal. you're only so young and still have alot of life ahead of you.

i'm sure there must be some sort of websites were you can make new (platonic) friends? what about the mums at your 9 year old's school?

rainbowinthesky · 21/05/2011 21:17

I think it's fantastic fostering but is it becoming too much?

Pictish · 21/05/2011 21:18

oh poor you xxxx

You do need a night out....oh yes you do!

Your mil is a hag.

JingleMum · 21/05/2011 21:18

i agree with thisisyesterday, how about getting yourself on a course where'll you'll more than likely meet people, or as she also said the W.I? OH's aunt is a member of the W.I and she has a ball, she's always on days/nights out with them and trips away. (altough i'm not sure if they'd all be pensioners?)

AgentZigzag · 21/05/2011 21:20

Everyone needs time to themselves or going out with their DH/P sometimes.

Your MIL is obviously has a selective memory over her DC being babysat, is there any reason she might not want to help you out?

Perhaps if she thinks having 3 DC over would be a bit much for her?

NulliusInVerba · 21/05/2011 21:21

Its great that you foster but really, it is optional. So if you feel like this maybe you should take a break from fostering. From what I know its usually the older children who have a hard time finding foster carers.

I know the feeling re MIL. Funny how everybody in the world never had a babysitter isnt it OP?! Even though we know they did. Maybe arrange a weekend away for your anniversary if you can.

5318008 · 21/05/2011 21:21

I understand that when you have the foster baby/ies present this might be different but why not take up a hobby, go to evening classes in oooh I dunno, mosiacing/aromatherapy or to the gym, book a babysitter. Why not book a babysitter and accompany DH on a gig say once a month

you absolutely should not be confined to the house you poor thing

Original poster

fostermumtomany · 21/05/2011 21:22

im starting to wonder the same thing rainbow.

it really is not possible to leave my kids due to the eldest having autism. he isnt capable of knowing what is a dangerous situation and what isnt.
i would come home to no house and a load of strangers in it.
he has low functioning autism so its a definate no no to leave them alone.

i did have a babysitter once, the girl who lives next door, but sadly she had an awful car crash last year and broke her spine. so she is not able to to it for at least another year.
she is still in a back brace and has recently had cement injected into her spine (!!!). she is very lucky to be alive actually.
i just wish she was better now (yes that is selfish). prior to her accident i was never well enough to go out. the year before last i had 19 operations for my endometriosis.
i am desperate to start living again. even if its just pottering round the shops child free for an hour!

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 21/05/2011 21:24

I would be talking to social services adn asking for respite even for a couple of hours twice a week. I know it is very difficult but you might be lucky. Do you always have a baby with you? What about when dc are at school? Are you on your own then at all?

emsyj · 21/05/2011 21:26

If you are able to pay a babysitter then you just need to ask around for someone to help.

Alternatively, if you live on the Wirral I will happily babysit for you for free!

Do you have a neighbour who would help? I often babysit for my neighbour (mostly elderly folk in our tiny cul de sac, but there's one family with a DC) and she returns the favour.

YANBU to want a life.

moondog · 21/05/2011 21:27

Swap babysitting duties with a friend.
What do you do all day when your kids are at school?
Is you dh about then?
Do you go out for luinch or to the cinema then?

smudgethepuppydog · 21/05/2011 21:31

Have you spoken to SS about respite for your DS1?

5318008 · 21/05/2011 21:41

ah now your DH should be scaling back his weekends to give you chance to be yourself, not Mum or Wife or carer; have you told him how you are feeling?

and yy you need to be sorting short breaks for DS1

Original poster

fostermumtomany · 21/05/2011 21:44

im at home all the time with the baby 24/7
hubby has to work weekends or we would have no money.

i didnt even know i could have respite for my son!

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 21/05/2011 21:46

How long do you have this baby for? I would have a break after this one so you have school time free.

Original poster

fostermumtomany · 21/05/2011 21:48

well we thought she would be going home next week but the judge has decided on adoption so it could be anywhere up to a year now.

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 21/05/2011 21:50

You must be entitled to some sort of respite for the baby and possibly ds. I would be on to social services.

sleepingsowell · 21/05/2011 21:50

I think from what you're saying it might be time to give up the fostering when your current charge moves to longer term care (I take it you foster babies short term?)

If you didn't have the fostered babies, you would get a sense of progress; we have babies, and all too soon they are toddlers and then they're at school etc and with each step we get back more me-time and child free time and life naturally holds more time for us and our own interests - but with baby after baby to foster, you are never getting that

Maybe it is time to say no to further placements?

smudgethepuppydog · 21/05/2011 22:26

There are several organisations that might offer respite for your lad, Social Services is probably your first port of call though.

smudgethepuppydog · 21/05/2011 22:32

This might help

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