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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to cut my head off rather than go on a weeks holiday with in laws?

27 replies

Cezzy · 21/05/2011 10:53

In a caravan! With MIL who can't stand me although she won't tell me to my face. Last time we went on hols with my parents and them she spent best part of 2 weeks telling my mum how I am rude and offish and unreasonable, then gets upset when my mum suggests that perhaps they shouldn't come over EVERY Sunday afternoon, staying until gone 9pm as DH works 6 days and its the only day we have together. They don't like doing anything, won't swim, moan about everything, too hot, too cold, too expensive, could cook better food than restuarant (she can't actually - her cooking triggers my IBS), tuts if I tell children off (really annoying!). And only one bathroom! Last time we stayed in a tourer and they had a big caravan on the same site, I ended up having to shop and cook meals for everyone apart from breakfast on a tiny stove and I can see I'll have to do it again as she is very slow and food is cold by the time she has dished up. We are saving for an expensive holiday this year with kids and really don't need this expense but FIL won't go on own with her cos she gives him a hard time, so we are having to go too. I am really dreading this, need to take my ipod and lots of books to take myself off. AIBU to not want to go, and should I go along with it, although it will take about £1000 we've saved for other holiday as we will have to pay 1/2 cost of caravan and food/ drink etc for 4 of us? Any ideas how I can get out of it without offending DH? (other than drastic self harm)

OP posts:
worraliberty · 21/05/2011 10:57

He's your Husband, you should be able to tell him how you feel.

Why is all the cooking and shopping down to you and not shared between you and him?

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2011 10:58

Say no.

Simples.

Plumm · 21/05/2011 10:59

Dh must know how you feel. Tell him he's welcome to take the kids but you're not going.

Katisha · 21/05/2011 10:59

Erm how badly does DH want to go or is he doing that usual man thing of just wanting a quiet life?

I would not go on this holiday under any circumstances quite frankly.

LindyHemming · 21/05/2011 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 21/05/2011 11:00

SAY NO!!! You don't have to go into all the details with DH, just say you'd rather not. Regardless of the MIL business, my DH would know better than to suggest a caravan holiday anyway. Or anything involving a tent, either. Find your inner snob and blame that. Better than to hurt his feelings by being rude about his mother. And why would you want to go on a "holiday" that involves you working harder than you do at home to cook more meals for more people?

Original poster
Cezzy · 21/05/2011 11:02

I've tried but she had depression after he left home and we married, he is a beloved only son. He just says "it's her illness" but she's always been like it and the hospital have discharged her and say she's fine. He takes ages shopping and cooking, left to him we'd never get anywhere. He does help washing up, but often I'll cook while he gets the kids organised. Have pointed out to him that it really wouldn't be a good idea and she may not like it too, being stuck with me, but he is worried about his dad not getting a holiday as she gives him a hard time and makes him ill. Families!

OP posts:
Lovecat · 21/05/2011 11:03

Don't go. Tell them you need that money and can't afford it. If they want you there that badly, THEY pay for it.

As to the having to do all the cooking... and if they won't swim etc., sod them. Why should your kids suffer because they don't want to go? Since when were you all joined at the hip? (I do feel sympathy for you because this was how my Dad used to be, not wanting to do anything but demanding we all did it togther, but then we grew up and started ignoring him....)

Katisha · 21/05/2011 11:04

If you have to go, then why on earth a caravan when you are in such close proximity?
WHere are you going? How can half a caravan and food cost a grand - there must be other options?

Original poster
Cezzy · 21/05/2011 11:05

Snob perhaps wouldn't work as me and the kids have been trying to talk him into coming camping with us in the summer as we got a cheap tent last year, so I might shoot myself if the foot! Think I will sit him down and convince him that we really can't afford it financially but we can go and visit them there for a day as it's only an hour down the road.

OP posts:
Yukana · 21/05/2011 11:06

I wouldn't go in my opinion. For these reasons:

  • It's a holiday. You are meant to enjoy holidays but this holiday you are obviously not going to enjoy for the reasons you have stated in your post and probably others. You would have been pressured into it and therefore would enjoy it less, but not only that the tension between you and MIL is not going to make things great either.
  • You are saving up for a holiday for your own family. I think we all know how expensive those can be, and in this case it is more important than a holiday you do not want with the in-laws.
  • Your MIL sounds like she needs to learn to respect others more, as you have stated even your FIL avoids being alone with her due to mass complaining and generally making everyone surrounding her feel uncomfortable.
  • Your DH should understand that you do not want the extra stress, tension, work, and expense, for the reasons above. That and in my opinion 'I don't wish to go.' should mainly be enough in it's own right.
hairfullofsnakes · 21/05/2011 11:07

Instead of moaning about it don't bloody go. You have another expensive holiday to save for so use that as an excuse and say you simply canny afford it. Also if she is such a bloody rude cow to you show her you won't put up with it!

squeakytoy · 21/05/2011 11:07

what a web of emotional blackmail... just say "no, we have made other plans for this year".

Your FIL's fear of being nagged is not your problem. Grin

ShoutyHamster · 21/05/2011 11:07

Say no, and keep saying it. No no no, I do not want to do that.

If you're accused of being unreasonable, say it's your illness talking - the thought of going on a miserable holiday with people who don't like you and are no fun to be around, just so you can cook and skivvy for everyone whilst being complained about, has made you very depressed. To have even a hope of recovery, the holiday needs to not happen. Ever.

Original poster
Cezzy · 21/05/2011 11:08

£1000 for a 3 bed caravan for a week in school hols K , can't take kids out of school as we are taking them out later in year, so our share plus food and drink and entertainment for 4 of us won't leave us much change.

OP posts:
piratecat · 21/05/2011 11:08

get what you are saying but your thread title made me wince.

piratecat · 21/05/2011 11:08

oh, and don't go, it's not a holiday is it. gonna have to put your foot down at some point.

worraliberty · 21/05/2011 11:09

So your MIL is too slow with the cooking and it ends up cold and your DH takes ages with shopping and cooking too?

Are you sure some of the problem doesn't lie with you? Confused

I mean, do you expect everyone to do things quick smart because you're waiting for them?

Katisha · 21/05/2011 11:12

Well I don't know whatyou do if DH will not stand up to his parents and MIL is allowed to rule the roost "because of her illness."
FIL is enabling her.

How fixed is this trip? They have booked it and expect you you chip in?Or is it still at the planning stage? Can they afford it without you?

I do think someone needs to draw the line and say , no we are planning a different holiday this year.

Original poster
Cezzy · 21/05/2011 11:15

Worraliberty - suppose when on holiday I want to make the most of the time, not spend all day stuck in on housekeeping or shopping. A cup of tea takes 20 mins, I have my faults but that is too long!

Thanks everyone, think I will have a chat to DH and say it really isn't a good idea at this time.

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 21/05/2011 11:23

You definately need to chat to DH. Just tell him that you really really don't want to go. That is allowed! There is no secret code of conduct that says you must go on holiday with the IL's.

If DH wants to go, let him take the children, you stay home. There is no good reason why he shouldn't agree to that. He wants to go, you don't. One does not trump the other so you have to compromise.

If they are only an hour away, could you suggest that you stay in a tent nearby for one or two night to make it cheaper and still keep the IL's happy.

I would definately not be spending the sort of money you are expecting it to cost to do something I really didn't want to do, especially if it means taking money away from something else that the whole family really wants.

Pancakeflipper · 21/05/2011 11:33

Tell DP be can go with them but you are not. In fact let him take the kids too and you can stay at home.

Just say not a bloody chance.

QualiaQuale · 21/05/2011 11:37

MAN UP! SAY NO! Don't be a doormat all your life!

HArsh, but bloody hell woman, take some control.

LittleRedBeads · 21/05/2011 11:47

but FIL won't go on own with her cos she gives him a hard time, so we are having to go too.

Well, that's his problem. Not yours. You didn't marry the old bag, it's unreasonable of him and your DH to expect to use you as a human shield against the horrible woman.

If her own husband can't stand being alone with her it's not your problem. Tell your DH NO. He can go himself if he feels so strongly about it.

FetchezLaVache · 21/05/2011 11:50

I love my MIL and I wouldn't entertain a night in a caravan with her, let alone a week! You would be incredibly unreasonable to say yes to this. Say no, no and thrice no, and tell your DH that she'll have to accept this as a direct consequence of how unpleasant she was to you last time you attempted to holiday with her.