I hate my mother

[arkboy]

I am I the only one who has a 'love' hate relationship with their mother? My mother NEVER phones me. We have one adopted son and have chosen to adopt again. Her reply was "Oh god no. You are too old". At 45 with one five yr old the second child will be 14 mths... I was very hurt and upset. The process is hard enough to go through without supportive "family". After that we didn't speak for six months until I suggested meeting at a hotel for the w/e. No contact over Christmas. Now she has fallen and hurt her back. It has been a painful process but her husband, dad, is a retired GP and has many contacts in the hospital consultant region. I may be wrong, but what can I do 200 miles away? Surely she is in the best hands anyway? And when she is so bitchy to me and not one taht you can have a good moan to - I don't honestly have a lot of sympathy.

Is anyone out there who can put me straight. I get so angry and DS and DH get the brunt of my unhappiness.

Is it possible to slowly withdraw from any sort of relationship, or would that make it all worse, with you being the 'bad daughter' in her eyes? I found that if I put in the same amount of effort as my mum (no effort in other words) things were easier.

go to the relationships board and look at stately homes thread.

What exactly is it your mum/dad want you to do, you don't say? If they're saying you must go up there and look after her, you can simply say you have young children and can't do it.

You're certainly not the only person who has a bad relationship with their parents - lots of people post about feeling their parents take advantage, or expect all the giving to be one-way while criticizing inappropriately, so don't feel guilty/bad about it. You're being normal; your mum has not got proper boundaries. She is still treating you like a child when she assumes she can tell you how to live your life, but she expects you to pitch in and help her now as if she were your only responsibility? That's not on!

Btw, what a bizarre and rude thing to say, that you are too old to adopt! Sounds as if she is projecting herself onto you - you aren't too old at all (does she not know how difficult it is to be approved as an adoptive parent?). Can you tell her straight that you are very hurt about her lack of support for your children and feel she is badly in the wrong?

Sorry that took ages to type and sunshine's advice is probably better!

Good luck.

So your mum thinks you're too old to adopt eh? You should have told her that Social/Adoption Services will be the judge of, and make the decision on that one........not her.

You're not wrong to think 'mum' is out-of-order... Just because she is called 'mum', doesn't mean she knows what is good for you!
We all learn to live our lives ourselves... Did anyone tell your mum not to have you?
Best Wishes...

Is there an underlying reason for her feelings about your adoptions that she is using age as a "stick to beat you with"? Does she take on the role as a grandmother?

Anyway, you have my deepest sympathies, I've had my amount of "mother stuff" too.....

arkboy my mother has caused me no end of misery and I've only recently (in the past 3 years) sought help about it. A person who you cannot reason with without things turning sour thats my mother...I am full of sympathy for you.
Firstly you are not too old at 45, your mother sounds bitter.
Don't go out of your way to help her, what an attention seeker. My DH also had to put up with seeing me in a lot of pain because of my mother and I very often vented fury towards her at him, luckily he was understanding and supportive. I got help in so far as I can accept things as they are but it doesn't make me any less sad.
I don't hate my mother, I feel sorry for her, I pity her, its hard to respect someone you pity. You sound like you've gone through it with her. YANBU to hate her for what she does to you. I hope any of this helps.

Thank you thank you for all your help. I have a sister and she too has fallen out with them but lives abroad. This board helps to off load so much pain - indeed I shall print off your comments and keep them safe in my purse. She is an occasional grandmother, but in late 70s she never offers help - not even to baby sit. She would never dream of coming down the 200 miles with my dad and share happy times with us. She 'loves' our son and thinks that he has settled in well - but is always quick to criticise if I mention EVER feeling low, frustrated or god forbid, tired. My DH is away all week (we are trying to change things at present, sell house and move nearer to his parents who are divine....) as the commute is so ghastly - so naturally I do get sick of the sound of my own voice. Silly me, don't phone your Mum if you expect sympathy. She is either too busy cooking, 'out in the garden' - no clothes on or having an afternoon sleep - or too drunk after 7.30 and then she gets like a rottweiler.

This idea, of projecting herself on to me is interesting. My sister in law had lunch with her 'in court', and she couldn't believe how my mother loved hogging the limelight. I think this string of pains/illnesses and operations are good way of trying to make sure she is the needy one... Argh.

Yes, withdrawing from the relationship is one I am trying at the moment, but sadly occasionally I do phone them.. and then wish I hadn't been So stupid. Interuppted their morning paper/breakfast routine.

Sharmouta - when she was pregnant with me, her m-in-law told her not to bring another half German offspring into the family... Dad mentioned that to her, after she beat me with the "you're too old line". DH sadly couldn't pass comment he was staying that in London - but the news had to be given then...

You are dead right about S Services. THe second time has been even more gruelling in spite of great reports from nursery/school.

I dear colleague keeps reminding me that she is a Berliner. Sorry if that offends but for me it really helps. Anyone else with German parentage?!!

Thanks everyone - will hold on to your thoughts. I'll sleep better tonight.

Do you know what OP this sort of thread is just so sad your Mam is a silly old woman whos time is fast running out so please try and make some more allowances for her and her crackpot behaviour. As for saying your to old to adopt another child she is a different generation to us and in her day 40s WAS ancient to have a bairn. It won't be long before your all standing over her grave and all this angst will seem very silly and pointless.

Whatever she has done wrong she gave you life so please a bit more grace towards the old bat. Go and help out, she needs and wants you near her or there would be all this drama kicking off.

whoops

or there WOULDN'T be

Arkboy, definitely go to the Stately Homes thread. You'll be amazed at how much rings true.
I feel your pain. My mother WINDS ME UP BEYOND BELIEF. if you dont have this type of mother then you can't understand how draining it is. Back off from her and don't feel badly about it. Concentrate on your little family. And good luck with the adoption. X

beesimo and kaosandkisses again, it lifts me out of this depressive state so much. Everything that you say and thanks about the adoption - that too has been unbelievably draining. Wow pregnancies are all different I guess. I had a peep at the Stately HOmes thread. Not too long though, but really this mother of mine is making me think such hateful things, just simply so uncharacteristically of me. Yes, time is running out, thanks for the reassurance....

Don't know about 'she gave you life' - er.... she packed me off to boarding school as soon as was allowed. And I hated the first three years, went down a class stream EACH year.. from the top to below average after the third year. Hey, check that out. And they still thought it was the right thnig.

Thankfully I am a tenacious old cow, and got a decent lovely job, with lovely people at the beeb...perhaps what I needed from birth.

Ladies thanks, you are terrific bunch.x