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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you agree or disagree with this statement?

107 replies

DontCallMePeanut · 20/05/2011 22:40

"Just because I'm married, doesn't mean I can't look"...

Just wondering what you all make of this statement.

OP posts:
notnowbernard · 20/05/2011 22:41

I think it's a twatty comment coming from anyone, tbh. Married or not

gapants · 20/05/2011 22:41

need context.

MumblingRagDoll · 20/05/2011 22:42

I think it's rude.

Ismeyes · 20/05/2011 22:42

I agree with it.

I think it is unrealistic to think you would never look at another person and think 'Oooh lovely'. It would be something different entirely if you touched!

manicinsomniac · 20/05/2011 22:42

I think it's true in many contexts, a bit creepy in others.

HRHShoesytwoesy · 20/05/2011 22:42

it's true

MmeLindor. · 20/05/2011 22:42

Define "looking".

Is it, "Gosh, that girl over there is pretty"

or

"Pfaaaaarrrr, look at the knockers on her"

worraliberty · 20/05/2011 22:43

Nothing wrong with it. Lots of people look at the opposite sex and appreciate what they see.

As long as they're not learing or oggling, it's just being honest Confused

TattyDevine · 20/05/2011 22:44

It sounds twatty, like something that might come out of the mouth of your husband as he leers at someone's arse while you are there or something.

But the general spirit of the comment is that it is natural to notice members of the opposite sex whether you are in a relationship or not, because we are programmed to be attracted to the opposite sex (or same sex if you are gay) and that doesn't switch off completely just because you are in a relationship.

Its basically saying as long as that is all it is, its okay, which I'm inclined to agree with.

notnowbernard · 20/05/2011 22:44

FFS everyone 'looks' irrespective of their marital status

To verbalise statement in OP is twatty, IMHO

Flisspaps · 20/05/2011 22:45

I agree with it.

Just because I am married, doesn't mean I can't have a quick look-up-and-down of a fit bloke. And the same goes for DH.

If he wants to look at a fit woman however... Wink

meltedchocolate · 20/05/2011 22:45

as in looking at other men and thinking 'yeah he's hot' or 'if i wasn't married...'

or looking FOR other men?

BelleDameSansMerci · 20/05/2011 22:46

I think the statement may well be true but that there is little to be gained by saying it out loud Grin

HumperdinkFangboner · 20/05/2011 22:47

I agree with it, but would never say it out loud, for fear of sounding like an utter twat.

Bumfuzzle · 20/05/2011 22:48

It's true that you look.
It's just not something you say!

Vallhala · 20/05/2011 22:49

No problem with it if it's means, "She's pretty, isn't she?!" or "Blimey... Frank Lampard, chance would be a fine thing!"

Big problem with it if it's deliberately used to make the OH feel belittled or uncomfortable.

seedlessgrape · 20/05/2011 22:49

Men are very visual and it's second nature to them to look at other women. It doesn't necessarily mean that they fancy the woman or they want to run off and have babies with them. As a heterosexual female I admit to looking at other women and appreciating beauty, but I don't fancy them....

So, in answer to the OP, I agree with the statement.

crashingwaves · 20/05/2011 22:49

I don't really agree to be honest but I am not very visual with men and I go for personality. DH is gorgeous because he is a lovely person :) If I was lusting after someone's personality that would be worse in a way than perving over a nice bum. :-/

Original poster
DontCallMePeanut · 20/05/2011 22:50

Came from SIL... Seriously, I think I might need a seperate forum, AIBU re my SIL Grin

Anyway, I've got an induction at the gym Monday. Anyway...

SIL: Any fitties there?
Me: I'm not there for the 'fitties'
SIL: Can't have a gym without the fitties. It gives me will power if there's a nice looking guy.
Me: Why though? You're married... *to my brother
SIL: Just because I'm married doesn't mean I can't look.

A few months ago, she even suggested we went out on a night out to see who could pull first... Put it to the back of my mind at the time, but now a bit... Hmm

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/05/2011 22:51

A mix of MmeLindor, Dave Grohl different to DD1s teacher.

And notnowbernard, it's OK to verbalise Daves attractiveness, but would be weird to say it about teacher.

So if it was someone accessible it's either gearing up to excuse some future/present behaviour or they're playing mind games.

bonkers20 · 20/05/2011 22:51

I think it's fine. My DH has said it, usually in jest but because we trust each other and feel secure I don't feel threatened. I talk to him about what I like in other men. In a way I quite like that he finds other woman attractive but still only has place for me in his heart.

peggotty · 20/05/2011 22:53

IMO it's not something that should be said out loud by either spouse, but something that a lot of people may privately think and do. Just look. Not talk about it or tell their partner they are doing it.

madonnawhore · 20/05/2011 22:53

My friend's boyfriend was trying to explain the principle of this statement once (while we were all vair drunk, I admit).

He said, "The thing is, women look at men and think is he attractive? What are his arms like? Would he be a good dad? How does he dress? Does he have nice shoes? I bet he's great in bed..."

"Us men, we just look at shapes. We just like looking at shapes. That's all."

So, while I buy that to a certain innocent extent, I still don't think it's very good form to say something like you've quoted in your OP out loud.

edam · 20/05/2011 22:53

Horrible cliche. (Sorry can't do accents on my keyboard other than in Word.) And usually said by some horrible old letch to justify their nasty behaviour and complete lack of respect for their wife.

Dh and I giggle about actors and actresses that we fancy, but people who say 'just because I'm married' usually treat their partners in a mean-spirited unkind way. Trying to make their partners feel bad for not living up to some idea of perfection.

AgentZigzag · 20/05/2011 22:54

X-posts with you OP.

That conversation sounds to me like a typical one if you're in your 20's and single talking to a really good friend, just bantering about stuff.

But given the relationships going on in what you've described, it's really inappropriate.

How did you deal with her suggesting seeing who could pull first?

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