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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mother in laws

45 replies

raebow21 · 20/05/2011 22:10

hi,

i'm new so i hope i'm doing this right,

I was wondering if anyones mother in law has become a totally different person since having there baby?

how are they with you?

OP posts:
fiveisanawfullybignumber · 21/05/2011 08:31

Raebow, tell us what's happening. Someone here might have some coping strategies to help you. My MIL is a dream though I'm afraid.

cricketballs · 21/05/2011 09:14

mine before DC was a nightmare! My DH is an only child and I don't think anyone would have been good enough for her precious son, especially not me! Once DC were born though, she quickly realised that I was here to stay and the relationship has changed. I now get on with my MIL, although we did have to go through a couple of years where things were tense in terms of how I wanted my DS brought up, she now respects our rules and this has helped the relationship

Adversecamber · 21/05/2011 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummakaz · 21/05/2011 09:48

No my MIL never changed she is still as lovely as ever but my mum did. She became very jealous whenever I said I was going round MIL's house (once a week) despite me going round my mums 5 days a week. In the end I stopped telling her but she is better now, well most of the time....

fedupofnamechanging · 21/05/2011 09:51

I met my DH when we were quite young and before we had a baby I was quite happy to fit in with ILs plans. However once I gave birth, I had my own ideas for how I wanted to raise my baby and found that my IL's wanted to take over and be very hands on. So, I don't know if we both changed or if having a baby brought out what was there all along, but hidden.

14 years (and 3 more children) later, things are a lot better. Having had some very 'frank' discussions our relationship will never be completely cmfortable, but we've come to a point where we get along okay and she is a loving GM to my children, which is the important thing.

TartyMcFarty · 21/05/2011 09:56

The birth of our DD is the best thing to happen to MiL in years, and it's made her even lovelier than she already was.

diddl · 21/05/2011 10:05

My MIl didn´t like me before was pregnant & then it was important that we became "best friends"Hmm

Important for whom?Confused

EggyAllenPoe · 21/05/2011 10:19

well, it got worse. the usual thing is when baby gets born, they feel obliged to offer their opinion, whether or not it agrees with yours. forcefully.

without becoming a different person herself, she expected to suddenly have a better relationship with DH, and presume upon that relationship.

Original poster
raebow21 · 21/05/2011 21:44

hi, thanks for your kind messages.

my mil, is either really really rude to me, horrible, nasty remarks, but has now not spoken to me or seen my ds or me for the last 8 weeks. I quite like the fact that I've not had the dreaded feeling that its the begining of the week, waiting until she turns up,(never rings, I just have to wait in for three days).
But I feel guilty that my ds isn't seeing his gp(even thou this isn't my fault).
I feel bad for my husband. Its not his fault, but he's never really done much about it, even thou he knows his mum his at fault.

OP posts:
halfyorkshiremanhalfessexgirl · 21/05/2011 21:58

My mil's nickname at work is 'the rottweiler'.

I have finally got on the wrong side of her after trying not to for 14 years.

It isn't pleasant.

BrawToken · 21/05/2011 22:05

Mine got better. She's lovely Smile

My first MIL, though, was a total bitch.

MadamDeathstare · 21/05/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckyMrsT · 21/05/2011 23:02

Mine is brilliant, before and after. She offers more advice now but stops short of interfering. People don't change so if you know her well before and she's a good un, she'll be just as sweet after.

MirandaGoshawk · 21/05/2011 23:07

raebow, sorry you feel dread when she visits. She does not sound like a nice person, and maybe it's not such a bad thing to not see so much of her!

fedupofnamechanging · 22/05/2011 09:26

raebow, it is not good for your DS to have grandparents in his life who are rude and nasty to his mother. If she was going to be a good grandmother, then she would be making the effort to at least be polite to you. Grandparents are not worth having at any cost, only if they are a positive influence in the child's life.

Also, if she is being rude to you, then your husband owes it to you to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and she is to stop it. He owes you his loyalty. Her behaviour might not be his fault, but it is his fault if he lets her get away with it.

I think you also need to stop waiting in on the off chance that she visits. You have a life of your own and are entitled to live it without bending to fit in with her plans. If you act like a doormat, she will walk all over you. It's okay to stick up for yourself. She is more likely to respect you if you do.

hope things get better

yomellamoHelly · 22/05/2011 09:41

Pre dc I hardly ever saw my PIL and when we did visit them / share the odd holiday I spent all my time with dh so they weren't an issue. Post dc they travel down a lot. All our holidays are with them and dh uses that time to further disappear into his bubble. So I spend A LOT of time with them. FWIW I think PIL are still the same as they always were. It's just that dh isn't!

Andrewofgg · 22/05/2011 09:43

Male speaking. For every one of you complaining about MIL or DIL there's some poor bugger stuck between you. His loyalty should be to DW - but he's known his mother all his life.

Don't make him a punchbag or a messenger, whichever you are (MIL or DIL). Deal with the other side of the equation directly.

Coralanne · 22/05/2011 09:53

Well spoken Andrewofgg.

I still cannot work out how all these dreadful MILs managed to raise a DS wonderful enough to be chosen by someone to spend the rest of their lives with.

Mishy1234 · 22/05/2011 10:33

Great before and after. I see more of PIL now we have children and they are very hands on which is great (my Mum is far away and my Dad isn't particularly interested).

That's not to say that there aren't things which annoy me though and I'm sure it's the same for her too. She has ALWAYS respected me and my opinions as a mother though and that's what is important. I trust her enough to know that although she may spoil the DC a bit more than I would (as is a GP's perogative), that she won't take it too far. If there's anything she knows are absolute no no's then she respects that.

diddl · 22/05/2011 10:34

Because some MILs just can´t bear another female in their son´s life (imo).

So the fact that they managed to raise them is immaterial.

There´s also often a FIL who helped raise his son.

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