thinking DH is being a spiteful and petty twat and deserves to be punished for this?

[cuttinguprough]

warning: this is very small beer in the scale of things and you may find very trivial -- I just want to know what others think about this as its touched a really raw nerve and I'm seething with rage.

The context:
a) DH and I had a minor row last night -- he's been coming home after work every night for the past 2 weeks and pretty much slumping in front of the TV and going straight to sleep. Admittedly he's been working really hard, 10 hours or more in a very physical job but I have a 4 mo baby so its not a total picnic for me. Last night I put DD to bed (which took some time) and was about to cook dinner, having agreed to do it as it was his turn and he asked for sex in the interim. I said, politely but irritably, that I didn't know where he expected me to find time for this in between raising his daughter and cooking his dinner. He got the hump, stormed off and went to bed etc.

b) I have recently helped him pay off a debt from an old mobile phone contract, to the tune of about 150 quid, helped him negotiate a good deal after he failed to face up to it for months etc. When he was unemployed quite recently I totally supported him for about a year. This is just to show that I'm not totally dependent on him financially, not a brainless airhead who doesn't understand money and not incapable of looking after myself and him.

So anyway, I spent this morning choosing food to cook him a nice dinner, in part to apologize for being crabby last night (which he doesn't know about yet). Then I spoke to him on the phone mid morning and after apologizing to one another for last night we got into a conversation about bank transaction charges. He said he'd been charged by his bank for sending money abroad recently -- something he needs to do regularly. I said I'd forgotten about that. He said (and this is a direct quote) "you always forget about the important stuff that needs to get done and its always up to me to deal with the heavy lifting." I told him that that was quite upsetting and patently untrue and he laughed at me and said "yeah, tough, deal with it," and pretty much put the phone down.

I've been invited out to have dinner with a mate tonight and said no because I wanted to cook for DH. Would I be unreasonable to go there anyway, taking DD and leaving the house empty and not telling him where I'm going?

No you would not. how rude! let him make his own dinner and have a think about how he speaks to his wife.

So basically, he's costing your money and criticising you. And being dismissively rude. Thats what it boils down to. Thats enough to put anyone off sex! I'd go out if I were you. It sounds much more the more enjoyable option.

I wouldnt not tell him where you are going..that's childish and how would you feel if he took your dd somewhere without telling you..? he might think there has been an accident etc

I would just tell him that you have changed your mind and you will be going out tonight so he needs to cook for himself - and i would remind him that he was crap at sorting out the phone issue..so not an expert at handling 'the heavy stuff' eh?

You're not being unreasonable to be very annoyed with him. No way should he have spoken to you like that.

However, you would be unreasonable to just walk off with DD and not tell him where you are! How would you feel if you came home to a totally unexplained empty house, no messages?

Sorry, but I think that's very childish and will just escalate things into all out war for no reason.

He is being a git. I think you should go out and take DD with you. Do let him know you've gone out as wouldn't be fair to make him worry about your safety. A note next to the fridge would do it though.

I think that calm communication would be better and more helpful than storming off in a strop, although I can understand why you're cross.

It's really hard being new parents.

But he needs to know that he can't behave like an idiot, and you need to understand (sorry) that storming off with your DD is not on either.

IMVHO

you're right... I really have no intention of taking DD out without telling him. I really want to get across to him what a twunt he has been without escalating it into a weekend-long argument (DH is a big sulker who can string things out for days and I need him onside tomorrow to help with something which he will probably not do if I have a go at him tonight). And I'm really really fucked off that he didn't apologize when I told him I was upset.

hummmmmmmmmm my instant reaction would be to react just like you. but honestly were does this petty tit for tat get you? except him being even more pissed off you feeling vindicated for a while hoping he will see the light which he wont because you have made him feel foolish so it will just end in another row. wouldnt it be better to make that meal for him to night sit down with him and talk about why he felt it was ok to talk to you like that tell him honestly how it made you feel etc, you still have the moral high ground so to speak but in a more productive way and by showing you have made an effort maybe he will be open to it as well.
just a suggestion.

Leave a note

"Gone out, back later, sort your own dinner out. Deal with it."

The fact that he'll sulk for days would be more than enough for me.

Love your work, bogeyface.

That's probably exactly what I would do

At least then he won't be worried about you and DD not being there, but will get the message pretty sharpish.

I would also stop bailing him out - let him deal with his own financial mess if he creates it.

I would go out and take DD with me it willdo him good coming home to a 'cold and empty home'

This is a bit mean but I would also put a tiny bit of lemon juice into the milk so when he went to make a cup of tea/coffee even the milk would be sour!

Go out.

Leave note a. suggesting he cook his own dinner,as you're so incapable and b. listing your above examples of times when not only has he failed to do the heavy lifting, but actually became the heavy thing to lift himself - ie. being out of work for a year. And say that next time there's a load to lift, you'll remember exactly what he said to you. So he'd better start saving now for his next phone bail-out fund.

Enjoy your cooking-free night out x