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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am worried about our daughter

15 replies

HomeFortheBewildered · 20/05/2011 10:54

Dear All

I have joined Mums net I am a Father of a fantastic 8 yr old girl; my marriage broke down after I came home to find my ex-wife in bed with somebody else, for the second time. She now lives round the corner from me and I see my daughter most days.

However we are getting things wrong, we still argue a lot mainly because I am unhappy with the fact that my daughter will be dropped off at friends, relatives, pre and after school care.

Our daughter spends very little time with her Mum. My ex wife is very selfish and will do what she wants when she wants, and uses our daughter as a bit of a pawn to manipulate situations.

I work from home and am perfectly able to pick her up have her overnight and take her to school. But I have to fight like mad to enable this to happen. My daughter wants to come and live with me, but when she says this to her Mum she just laughs at her.

She has now told me that she is planning to move away from the area and take our daughter out of her school and away from her friends our daughter is beside her self and has become very withdrawn, quite and apologises for everything, whether she is to blame or not.

The school has been that concerned; they have called in the child welfare officer, my ex wife just laughs this off as just a stage she is going through.

I am really concerned and don?t know what to do for the best. I don?t want to go to court or cause our daughter any more pain, being in the middle of this mess or having to choose she loves us both.

So over to you Mums, any ideas, and is my daughters behaviour normal in this situation.

Thanks

OP posts:

BurningBridges · 20/05/2011 10:57

Your DDs behaviour does sound normal under the circumstances, sounds like stress, I don' t know how these things work re court etc., but someone will be along in a minute who does. Very sad reading your post, hope things take a turn for the better soon.

aldiwhore · 20/05/2011 11:02

I have no experience with this situation and no real advice on process regarding courts etc,

But from experience of friends, I would say that going to court is NOT the worst case scenario, when things get tough and you are not getting what you need, going to court can solve problems.

Better to go through the pain of court than to go through the pain of negotiating with someone who refuses to in my opinion, and better for you and your daughter in the long run.

I would say your daughter's behaviour sounds normal, she certainly sounds like she's suffering with the current set up, it needs to be resolved.

Good luck.

harassedinherpants · 20/05/2011 11:09

I think that you're actually going to have to go to court, in my experience it was the only way to get my dc assessed by CAFCASS and to get proper residency and access arrangements drawn up.

How old is your dd? Depending on her age, cafcass will normally recommed that resides with who she wants to. But it does depend on her age. Judges generally follow cafcass's recommendations.

Selks · 20/05/2011 11:12

Get legal advice, and quickly. If it does go to court it shouldn't be necessarily traumatic for your daughter, and she will be seen by a CAFCASS officer who will take her desire to live with you into consideration.

mrsjaja · 20/05/2011 11:13

If she wants to live with you anyway, then GO TO COURT and get her some stability by having her with you.

It will be more hurtful to her in the long run if she thinks you wouldnt fight for her, esp if she goes through a succession of moves, uncles etc.

How will you reply if one day she is older and asks you "Why didnt you fight for me to be with you when i was 8?" and "Why didnt you stop her taking me away from you when you knew i wanted to be with and not her?"

I know its not easy, i watched my brother go through the same thing, and he is at the "Why didnt you..." stage. The reason he didnt was because her mum does really love her, and she loves her mummy, and when push came to shove her mum managed to talk her out of going with my bro, every time. The times that man cried with me because he was so excited she was going to live with him, and every time, without fail, when he arrived to collect her, she had changed her mind. She doesnt remember this, though, she is just blaming the father who adored her and would do anything for her (including a 200 mile round trip every other weekend to collect her for their weekend contact) for the fact that she has had numerous "uncles" in her life, who have all treated her like crap!!!!

You have as much right to residency custody as her mother. Fight fo her happiness and stability.

knittedbreast · 20/05/2011 11:15

just go to court. then itl be sorted for sure.

make sure you appear to have made lots of ideas on how her mother can still have access to her daughter. the fact she wants to live with you will really help and that you work from home etc...

titchy · 20/05/2011 11:17

I don't think that, at 8 yo, her feelings about where she wants to live will be taken into account - and they shouldn't be either. Way too much responsibility for a chil;d that age.

Agree though you need to go to court and quickly. Get the CAFCASS assessments done. The fact that school is concerned enough to bring in an EWO shoudl speak volumes about your dd's current level of care. Do you have a good relationship with her school? Are you involved? Pick her up? Attend parent's evenings etc? If not get involved now.

alwaysright · 20/05/2011 11:19

Go to court! a short period of stress for a lifetime of hapiness and stability for your daughter, got to be worth it surely??? no brainer!

Good luck.

Keep calm and carry on! try and keep on friendly (even if it's fake!) terms with ex and don't give her any ammo!

Snorbs · 20/05/2011 11:21

Give Families Need Fathers a call. They're a good bunch of people and can give you a lot of good advice.

Original poster

HomeFortheBewildered · 20/05/2011 11:22

Thank you so much for the replies so far.

I have tears running down my face as I read them, I thought I was going mad, I had been told that the courts don?t take the fathers opinion into account.

My ex wife had said that if I took her to court she would make it almost impossible to see our daughter again, she told our daughter the same who has begged me not to take Mummy to court.

I was thinking of walking away, just to preserve my daughters well being. I don?t want to get this wrong.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 20/05/2011 11:22

I agree that you need to go to court.

It will be worse for your daughter if you don't.

aldiwhore · 20/05/2011 11:26

Whatever you do, don't walk away.

My ex-housemate was in a similar situation 10 years ago, daughter same age, he didn't go to court, the ex played him like a fool for years. He never gave up on his dd though, when they moved away he travelled there every weekend, to be turned away again and again - or he'd turn up and his dd was 'on holiday'... the 'ending' is happy though, even though he went through 10 years of pain, his dd is now 18 and has chosen to move back to the area to be closer to her dad. This wouldn't have happened if he'd given up.

I would get your facts together about the process, then once you are sure you're going to court, maybe sit down and talk to your dd. 'Court' sounds scary to an adult, and more so to a child, and your dd doesn't want to lose either parent... she needs reassurance.

ChippingIn · 20/05/2011 11:26

Go and see a solicitor - ASAP.

Your Ex is manipulating both you and your DD. Of course a Fathers opinion is taken into account and so, hopefully, will your DD's (DD=Darling Daughter).

You need to go to court so she can't stop you seeing her.
You need to go to court so she can't move away.

You need to go to court & fight for your daughter... do you really want her to grow up thinking you didn't love her enough to fight for her, but just let her Mum take her away from you?

Your daughter does not understand what 'taking her to court' means - all she knows is that your ex has said if you do that she wont see you again - which is bullshit.

Bloodymary · 20/05/2011 11:29

Another one for you going to court here, what your wife says is WRONG.

mrsjaja · 20/05/2011 11:54

Good Luck HomeForThe Bewildered. Just continue to shower your daughter with your love and your time.

And queitly go to a solicitor (lots do a free half hour first consult) and make your plans for court action. Do not let her draw you into any rows or fights, especially not in front of your DD. Make nice to her face, whilst planning your custody battle behind her back.

Her mum sounds like a right b*tch, imo.

Flip