About DH and DS's birthday party - a genuine AIBU, long.. but please be gentle!

[Concordia]

Hi, i am feeling a bit cross and emotional about this and struggling to get perspective. Wondered what others' opinions were.
Basically, in a month or so it's DS 5th birthday. it's on a Tuesday and he wanted his party on the day.
DH works shifts as a warehouse shift manager. Not a very high flying job, or that well paid but ok.
He said he would be fine to come to the party and would take leave or swap shifts.
He has now been invited to be part of a company wide project which involves some weeks' training in holland and germany.
he was asked which dates in june and july he couldn't do and gave DS' birthday as the only date he couldn't make. earlier this week he responded to an email written by someone whose first language wasn't english who had made a mistake with may / june on the lists. DH said he was in a hurry and said he could make the dates. He realised 4 hours later on speaking to a colleague that he had read it incorrectly and that he had committed to being there on DS' birthday as the training is mon-thurs that week . he didn't email back to change his mind as he said he had 'committed' to it. he says he can't do anything now as the circulation list is huge and involves lots of people. he claims if he misses that day he might as well opt out of the whole project. he also says the culture at work has changed so that there is no longer any negotiation or democracy, everyone is told what to do, if you are seen as being anti change or ask anything you are out.
he is worried about his perceived lack of commitment if he says he can not make that day.
i am a sahm at moment and have been for 13 months now so i don't want to be too harsh on him, as i am not currently in a working environment.
i am really upset for DS though.
mil (who to be fair is 80, lives 5 miles away and would have to take a taxi) says she won't come to the party as she has been there / done that with her own and her daughter's children. my parents who live 200 miles away are hoping to make it but have warned me that their patio is being done and if it is not finished they won't make it.
i have already sent out teh invitations but i could look really stupid in front of the mums at school and change the date and send out revised invitations. it's in a particular play gym that DS wanted though so i don't know if i could change it (4 weeks to go).
i haven't told DS yet as it has only blown up over the last few days and DH has only confirmed today that he can't make it. maybe he will be ok with it.
on a purely selfish basis i'm also worried, even though it's at a playgym of the logistics of managing a tired and grumpy 2yo DD and paying some attention to DS on his special day and carrying his cake etc on my own (know that sounds pathetic but worried i will look stressed and disorganised).
i can't stop crying about this for some reason, i have got it a bit out of proportion haven't i?
should add that DH hasn't been abroad with work for probably 18 months maybe two years.
the project doesn't involve any more money. he has done a similar thing before to do with company wide training and delvering it to his area but it didn't necessarily lead to promotion or anything although i think it was good experience and he enjoyed it as he doesn't always enjoy his main role that much. he hasn't had a pay rise for 3 years and earns £29,000.
ps have looked into flying back but due to timings of party and flights, we arent' in london so there aren't many flights locally, he'd probably end up taking two whole days off or nearly two days. and it would cost us hundreds of pounds. he is also two hours drive from the airport the other end.
so i guess a genuine AIBU to be upset? to ask DH to come back for it / tell the people he can't make that date? AIBU to change the party date? wwyd?

and i just wanted to say thanks, as i needed people to help me get it in perspective...

to everyone who posted, i mean

Stop, take a deep breath and just carry on with the plans as they are. Your little man will be too wrapped up in his friends and soft play to miss his dad, and I think he's a bit little to be given the choice of what to do and he did want his party on the day. Repeat after me - "everything will be fine"

Oh, and as for wondering about stress at the party - that's exactly why you're doing it at softplay, so their staff can deal with it all!

its just a birthday party, there will be many more to come. relax.

will talk gently to DS and not put pressure on him to decide but see whether he would like to move the date of party.

.. your DS is 5!!

you are making too big a deal of this, a 5 year old doesn't decide when to have a party, they are told when it is.

I agree with Eve, you shouldn't ask a child to decide whether to move the party. You make the decision and tell him sorry we have to move the date of the party but we'll still have a great time on your birthday (all cheery happy voices) or you decide to keep the party on his actual birthday (which is what I would do) and just say daddy has to be away for work but guess what! we can have another tea party when daddy is home so you get two birthdays! (again all happy excited voices). Don't present andyconcern, stress or anxiety in your voice and your DS will follow suit and won't be affected. All the other mums will help you I'm sure and don't be scared to ask for a bit of help from them either, it's not a loss of face.

any concern, not andyconcern

YANBU to be upset. It is a shame that your plans for a lovely party are being messed up.

However, you know it isn't your husband's fault and that he really does have to put work first on this occasion. I think you should try and change the party date (hopefully to one DS and GPs can do) and do a little tea party on the actual date. If you can't change it then get a friend to help you on the day. Hope you DS enjoys his party!

"If your DS doesn't like parties why are you even having one? "

In my experience, 90% of children's parties are for the benefit of someone else other than the child (excuse to have a party, social interaction for parents, aiming to make them new friends, grandparents like it, whatever). That's not true in all cases, our oldest rather liked planning her parties on the three (ish) occasions we had them (because we gave her some control i.e. she got to decide what went in the party bags), so I realise it doesn't apply to all of them.

Hmm - it's not the kind of party I would expect DH, GPs' etc to be at - softplay hell is a kind of 'afterschool' party and would just be for school friends.

I'd then have something at the weekend for the family - just a tea/lunch at home with cake etc so the GP's get to spend some time with the birthday boy and not just watch him race around soft play with friends - it's a long way to travel to do that!

The softplay staff with help you loads and I'd ask a friend if they could come along and look after DD on the day.

I can see why you are upset and quite frankly I think that when your DH realised (4 hours later) that there was a mistake he was a bit wet not to have emailed straight away to put it right, but what's done is done.

Yabu in the nicest possible way.

Stick to your tuesday party for his friends. Make another family party on the weekend, for grandparents and family, with a birthday tea at home.

You cant expect people to get around work commitments, and travel for an afternoon party at a playgym!

don't be asking a 4 year old to decide on the arrangements, its inappropriate and unfair to him. Be the grown up and just get on with it.

Its got out of proportion, you sound a bit anxious about it all and need to take a step back to see it for what it is - a special day that welcomes his arrival into the world.
Personally I think I would make the decision for your ds, then ask him and sort of guide him to your way of thinking. Then if he has an extreme opinion in the other direction you can reach a compromise. I think 5 is a bit young to take all the factors into consideration. He might change his mind the next day and think thats ok as hes in charge of deciding whats what iyswim.
Let your DH off the hook, his work is more important than this party. And I dont mean that work is more important than your ds (of course not!) but he's not choosing between ds and work but a party and work.
Can you get someone to help you 'manage' your 2 year old on the day. A friend,auntie,older child?
Make his actual day special but more of a 'private function'! Teddy bears picnic, tea in a tent in the garden, trip to the cinema etc And treat yourself on that day too - a little cocktail while the children are in bed to help celebrate your efforts on bringing him into the world. Or maybe you and dh could agree on a time to phone home and have a glass of wine 'together'

Gosh, some people are being harsh. Concordia, I do know what you mean as I've always wanted DH around on DC's birthday (he enjoys it as he didn't have many parties growing up himself) especially when there's a lot of stuff to cart to a soft play area, eg goody bags, balloons, a heavy birthday cake. I too understand about your DH not wanting to appear difficult about taking time off during this economic climate when jobs are scarce and he has kids and a SAHM wife to support. But you're both stuck with this problem which your DH didn't do on purpose. So here are your options:

1. Change the date of the party to a weekend that your DH will be around for.
2. Do it on your own anyway, and enlist a friend/neighbour to help you with arrangements. If it's only once, many women are sympathetic and willing.
3. Do it on your own without help and be ruthlessly organised about lists, boxes and pack stuff beforehand. Some venues might let you store the cake with them by bringing it there the day before? Worth ringing to ask.

Just to say a few things about sometimes being "let down" by DH work commitments - been there before. You'll be amazed at how sometimes you can be more efficient when there isn't a man around....after all, as an SAHM, presumably you are already doing loads of stuff on your own.

In the same way, you may think you can't pull off a party by yourself with 2 kids but you can. You just need to try it at least once. (You can always resort to bribes to get DS to help you with stuff like clearing up or entertaining his sister ;-) He might even help without being ordered/bribed to do so). If you think your DD will be tired by then is it worth trying to take her for a drive beforehand (so she falls asleep in the car) or giving her a nap beforehand, or if she goes to nursery keep her at home that morning so she isn't tired?

Finally, you know, children are remarkably adaptable (IME, esp boys) and although they say they want a party on the day if you tell them that it needs to be changed because circumstances change (but don't blame DH - maybe say people at work needed him?) they will accept it and not even care afterwards! IME, I have never seen a man/boy sentimental about the day of their birthday celebration as long as they get a present/party/cake/all three. If you tell your DS he will get a treat on his birthday itself (maybe gets to open his present on the day, an outing in the afternoon and a piece of cake) and on top of that a party at the weekend, he will probably think, "hurray, 2 days of treats instead of one". So you really have quite a few options - just choose whichever you feel you like doing.

I won't take any notice of people querying why you've put so much info here - though you want to delete some of it for privacy reasons - it sounds like you and your DH are under a bit of stress with these new demands on his time and family finances, been there before. I think it's quite normal sometimes for one setback to look like all your plans are unravelling. You just need to remember that if you can look after 2 small children,
you can pull it off despite setbacks!

PS - sounds like the people who will decide which option you can do are the play area staff...if their weekend is already fully booked, then you'll have to have it on the original day anyway. Don't mention anything to your DS till you've spoken to the play area staff. Then sort out your game plan. I think you can definitely pull it off, and you can have another outing and treat at the weekend when your DH is back. You know, pulling off a kids' party on your own with the kids is a rite of passage that most mums will eventually have to go through.....and you'll be fine!

BTW, I don't usually see any dads at all at the weekday birthday parties at the local soft play area.

hmmm, although he doesn't like parties he is very keen to have one of his own for some reason! we offered him - trip to seaside with family or party with friends and he picked the party option. i would rather go without a party personally!
i guess one reason why it has got out of proportion is because the party is the main thing iykwim, it is costing a lot and we are not getting him many presents as a result -a few things off ebay... (our mortgage is a lot relative to our income and we have some other high outgoings that others may not have before you all tell me that we should have plenty of money left for presents)
yes i think if DH had said, i can't make it i have this training i would have been more relaxed than him saying, well , they have asked for dates i can do and i didn't respond correctly and when i realised i didn't bother to clarify.

i would prefer to keep party on same day without DH to save myself hassle (!) but if DS is very upset i will offer him the chance to see if it can be moved....

oops lots of cross posts!

insisting on DD's sleep beforehand good idea too! trying to get her to drop her daytime sleep to help at night but i think on that day i will make an exception - good advice. thank you.
will let you know how it pans out....

And next year the party will be planned less than 3 weeks before the actual date, regardless of any pestering, to avoid this scenario!

I am sorry, but you are making mountains out of molehills, and presenting too many options and choices for such a young child.

Your 5 year old does not NEED his dad present at a soft play party, he is not there to play with his dad, but to play with his friends.

It is also not sensible to go for a more expensive party than you can afford, and then kick up a fuss about your husband getting training to develop his career.

quint it is hard not to give a party for a child who wants one, and is aware that other children gets them, when they are five they can't really understand this stuff!
i hope the training does develop his career, but the previous stuff hasn't really so i'm not particularly optimistic.

I think you just need to get on with it (in the nicest possible way).

Your DS's school friends will come, they'll bring presents, there will be party food and gym. Your DS will be in heaven. You will manage your DD. Your DH can come to the next birthday party. It doesn't matter whether or not the GPs are there. You won't be in any way humiliated - you just say to anyone who asks - DH is abroad with work - was unavoidable but never mind. I wouldn't invite GPs to this sort of event anyway (my DS is 5 we recently had a similar party). If you get stressed about sorting stuff out at the party, ask another mum to help you out. It will be totally fine.