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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

by not DTD to keep him happy?

11 replies

Frumpyat40 · 18/05/2011 02:10

Honesty please!
Am I wrong to deny DH his conjugal rites when I'm constantly tired and my weight makes me feel as sexy as a bags of potatoes?
Do any of you guys relent in the name of keeping your OH satisfied?

OP posts:

GotArt · 18/05/2011 02:22

Treat sex like an exercise routine; eventually, you will have more energy, and he fancies you, that's pretty sexy.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 18/05/2011 04:14

There's no such thing as 'conjugal rights', he doesn't own (or lease) your body by dint of being married to you. I hate the idea of 'relenting' when you don't want to have sex, it implies he's putting pressure on you, which is not on.

That said, if there's a longterm mismatch of libido, it's definitely worth talking about. Is your tiredness fixable (i.e., if he helps out more, or you get a break?), is there something you can do to focus on yourself and feel better about the way you look for your own sake, not his; a hobby, a gym, a scheduled time which is just for you?

But for God's sake, don't 'relent' on the basis that he has some right to screw you. Ugh, for both of your sakes.

nooka · 18/05/2011 05:25

Totally agree with Tortoise, your dh does not have any right to sex, whether you are married or not.

The only time I think it is reasonable to agree to sex when you aren't really up for it is when you know that once you get going you will have a good time. If dh is feeling frisky and I'm not really in the mood I remind myself that he is a very good lover and I will be more than satisfied. I wouldn't have sex just to keep him happy.

But it can be easy to get into a place where as a couple you lose your sense of intimacy and connection and I think that does need to be resolved. But you can only get there through talking and mutual appreciation. If you 'lie back and think of England' it is likely to lead to bad sex and much resentment.

Morloth · 18/05/2011 05:39

There is no 'right', however sex is a big part of most relationships so you guys are going to need to work this out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2011 06:19

Sorry but a 'conjugal rite' sounds like he dances around you with a bouquet, waving incense and humming Mendelssohn... :) No, you shouldn't agree to sex in a submissive fashion if it's not what you want. But, agreeing with the above, if your sex-drives are badly mismatched, it's going to become a problem if you don't tackle the issue as a couple. Constant rejection can be very damaging to a relationship. If your sex-drive principally revolves around your body-image or energy levels, finding ways to improve both may be advisable.

Shtiv · 18/05/2011 06:55

You are being very unreasonable.

cannydoit · 18/05/2011 09:32

hummmmmm this is tricky you definitely shouldn't have sex if you dont want to, but your dp is going to get very frustrated/run down by constant rejection and lack of intimacy is not good for a relationship. you should spend some time (and money) on your self making your self feel good about you because you are wasting your time by thinking your self unattractive and its having a detrimental affect on your sex life. he obviously finds you sexy and thats a good start. concentrate on what you like about yourself and go from there.

OliPolly · 18/05/2011 09:36

Its all very well saying that OP shouldn't have sex when she doesn't want but c'mon, how long is the partner supposed to wait?

OP, if you value your relationship I suggest that you stop feeling so low about yourself ans start a plan on making yourself better. Not for him but more for you and this will make your self esteem shoot up. Don't go on a diet, starting taking walks, get your nails painted or buy a pair of earrings- basically try and do things that will cheer you up and you will feel great.

Your partner is with you because he wants you. Stop the negativity and enjoy being in a relationship.

Good luck.

JessicaDrew · 18/05/2011 09:54

i agree with Oily and disagree with Torty, when a couple first meet and are like rampant rabbits, it must be hard for the man when time has passed and he still loves his wife and wants to make love to her, but is bombarded with excuses from her. Its nothing to do with conjugal rites i think that is a phrase OP used to stop her typing sex, some MNers are too quick to jumpo down the femenist route. The OP should try and brighten her outlook up and enjoy the attention her DH wants to lavish on her.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 18/05/2011 10:57

You shouldn't have sex when you don't want to. However, if you never want to have sex (or a lot less than you DH) you do need to address that as a couple as it's not healthy. Try to make yourself feel sexier by doing something that makes you feel good (new haircut, exercise, pampering). Then try to do something with DH that will help to get you in a sexy mood (a date, lots of kissing, a massage, a bath together) and then see how you get on.

My libido is flagging at the moment and I'm working on these things to try and improve things. Also I think once you get back into the habit of having sex it is easy to continue with that and enjoy it. Sometimes you need to look for a way to break they cycle of too little sex.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/05/2011 10:59

The more you do it the more you want it!

I sometimes do when I cant really be arsed but once I'm revved up it's all good

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