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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I Know IHBU, but how to deal/cope with this?

14 replies

pennygarcia · 17/05/2011 18:05

I posted a while ago about my DH looking at porn whilst I am pregnant and we cannot make love, which deeply upset me. I do think pregnancy hormones and the current situation don't really help though and I am maybe being more irrational than usual.

My DH went away last weekend and out with some friends and hasn't been home since as he is away working this week. I do find it hard to trust him due to the porn thing, how I feel about myself right now and the fact he has lied to me about some things.

Anyway, I logged into his email (he does know I have the password, he has the same pasword for almost everything and he knows I go onto his email as his DM emails us both via there). There was an email there saying he had a message from a woman on Facebook. I know I shouldn't have, but I read it and it was in reply to a message from him. He had obviously looked her up on Facebook after meeting up with her on his night out and then messaged her first, The messages were pretty flirty and implied attraction, but didn't suggest anything had happened.

He hadn't mentioned meeting an old friend on his night out, although we did chat about his night out. I feel quite uneasy about the whole thing, not least as I text him to ask him about it and he got very defensive, saying he hadn't done anything wrong and he'd had enough of me not trusting him and couldn't put up with it/me any more. We haven't spoken but he's sent several nasty texts saying it's over and I have to admit I have retaliated.

I don't feel up to speaking to him at the moment and I have spent most of the day is tears. Am I just being paranoid or should I be concerned he's not being entirely honest with me? I don't think he's been unfaithful this time, but due to his previosu lies etc I do now wonder if he has been in the past, he has plenty of oppotunity as he is away a lot and he did go through a period of accusing me before I was pregnant, when nothing could be further from my mind.

OP posts:

Happymm · 17/05/2011 18:12

Oh Penny. What a situation! Think you both need to sit down and Have A Talk! This is not good for either of you, or babe. Can you meet somewhere a little neutral, and try not to get into the shouting, upset thing. Easier said than done I know, but you need to know where you truly stand in this relationship, and BOTH of you need to work at it-he needs to understand where your upset comes from and together you need to plan a way forward, whether this be to move on or split up:(

IMissSleep · 17/05/2011 18:15

:( Thats rubbish.

You really do need to sit down and have a chat. It's not healthy for either of you. Hope you manage to sort it out

rogersmellyonthetelly · 17/05/2011 18:19

For the sake of your marriage, you either have to trust him and stop looking through emails, or your marriage will not survive. You cant have a relationship with someone when you dont trust them, and that works both ways, both you trusting him not to play away from home, and him trusting you not to be checking his emails every time he is away from home. You could both do with some counselling on this one, and it will take time to rebuild that trust, but it can be done, my marriage to DH is the proof. Sometimes we mess up, but if you really love each other, it can be fixed.

Original poster

pennygarcia · 17/05/2011 18:20

Sorry for all the typos, I cant stop crying. I just don't know what to do. Meeting up isn't an option at the moment and I don't think I have the strength to even talk at the moment.

I just don't know if I am being utterly paranoid or have a reason to worry.

OP posts:

cannydoit · 17/05/2011 18:23

i have missed something here did you say you upset at him looking at porn? and that started this. can i ask why? if you are not making love due to your pregnancy surely him wanking off to porn is preferable to meeting woman on nights out, since wanking is mostly i'm horny wank, thats better.
its quite possible that due to you not having sex there is a lack of intimacy between you guys at the moment and that could be what is causing these suspicion,mistrust and unhappiness. sex is an easy way to build up intimacy but there are other ways.

SnuffleTurtle153 · 17/05/2011 18:25

What a horrible situation. I think that maybe your hormones probably aren't helping at the moment but that works both ways, and your DP ought to bear that in mind... I think you need to have a serious talk to each other about what's going wrong and decide how to move on from this and all the other things that have happened in the past that have led you not to trust each other. Counselling sounds like a positive idea

TheFeministsWife · 17/05/2011 18:25

YANBU. I'm not really sure what to make of his behaviour, he isn't really being a good husband with the lies, the porn and the flirty messages is he, especially because you're pregnant. I'm sorry I don't really know what to suggest. Maybe sitting down and having a heart to heart with him when you're both calmed down? How far along are you?

Also it might be an idea to repost this in Relationships, you'll probably get good advice over there.

Original poster

pennygarcia · 17/05/2011 18:26

He already knew I don't like the whole 'porn thing' (ethics etc) and at the time he'd been looking at it, we had had some very bad news which had meantme crying myself to sleep. He decided to look at the porn whilst in bed next to me while I was asleep as apparently he was 'bored'. It was very bad timing at best.

Plus, I usually have a much higher sex drive than him, so if I can cope without looking at porn, why can't he?!

OP posts:

cannydoit · 17/05/2011 18:36

i am just suggesting that the porn thing may not have been that big an issue but that is up to you to decide, though watching it in the bed next to you is pretty shitty. have you talked to him yet?

Original poster

pennygarcia · 17/05/2011 19:27

I have tried to ring and he didn't answer, then he text me saying he doesn't want to talk to me, there's no point it's over. I sent a text back asking if we're just going to do everyting via solicitors then and his reply was 'whatever!'.

I have no family or friends I can talk tro and I'm in pieces frankly. I feel like large glass of wine, but obviously I can't.

OP posts:

sobloodystupid · 17/05/2011 19:32

I've been through something similar. Please stop texting and leave a message for him. Confide in someone (Samaritans?) if you really don't want to talk to family etc.

cannydoit · 17/05/2011 19:33

that is obviously not very helpful behaviour and to be honest very selfish he is not really considering that you are in a vulnerable position. how are you feel, do you feel like this is something that you can get past? do you really feel you have been UR.

Original poster

pennygarcia · 17/05/2011 19:41

Thankyou. I have psoted in relationships too now as advised.

I just can't think clearly. I'm not sure I can speak to anyone, I can't stop crying. I don't know if IABU, but I don't think there can possibly be any way back from this. He has sent me some vile texts today and told me to fuck off more than once.

It makes me wonder all the more whether he has something to hide as he has been very defensive about me asking him about the messages etc and that is when he got nasty. He hasn't tried to reassure me at all.

OP posts:

cannydoit · 17/05/2011 20:08

sounds like some truly cuntish behaviour not really sure how to advise you then beyond saying you probably really should get a friend round, i would also say dont contact him for awhile give yourselves some space to work out what your want and hugs.

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